Anonymous wrote:I struggle with this also because I don't have a great choice for guardians for my kids. Best really would be family friends, and they've even offered, but we have local family and that feels so strange. But my inlaws are NOT interested in parenting again and my BILs family have very different beliefs from us and are really struggling (pre-COVID) to keep their heads above water with the family they have. I don't think my kids would be as loved or well cared for with their aunt/uncle than with our friends. But still so strange to give your kids to someone who isn't family. I just don't know what to do and it stresses me out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making a will that specifies how the kids will be taken care of greatly reduced my anxiety about this.

Unfortunately, my anxiety is based on the fact that I would like to do this, but don't have family or friends who would take my kids. It's not a money issue, it's a "taking time away from their demanding, high-earning careers" issue. No one I know wants to do that for someone else's kids.

This sounds like you haven't even asked someone, yet you're passing judgement on people who maintain demanding, high earning careers.

I will offer the perspective of someone who declined to accept guardianship in a will, which lead to an epic extended family falling out.

My sister was approached by an extended family member, a same-aged niece with whom she's always been very close. She initially accepted, but later it came out that the niece and her husband (who live in a LCOL area) were carrying an extremely low level of life insurance for the HCOL area my sister lives in. Frankly, I thought it would have been too low for the LCOL area as well, but I stayed out of it. Anyway, my sister had to walk back her initial acceptance, explaining that there's no way she could accept guardianship if at such significant out of pocket cost to her family. Sister walked niece though the numbers -- e.g. what preschool costs per year in HCOL, health insurance premium costs because they're self-employed, what the increase in housing would cost (sister's house is small and kids are already doubled up in bedrooms). Sister explained that niece's numbers don't even count some sort of emergency popping up, or uncovered medical expenses - like therapy costs, and so on. That doesn't even count the financial damage it would do to my sister's retirement planning, as she or her husband would almost certainly have to stop working.

After watching what my sister has gone through with her niece, I'd never accept guardianship for anyone other than my sister or DH's brother. It's understandably a very touchy subject, but it opens your family up to all sorts of criticism by the jealous relative who's asking for the favor. In COVID times, we are dealing with major educational and childcare issues -- long and short term school closures, the need for tutoring, needing to come out of pocket for childcare. I think actually seeing how badly the sh*t can hit the fan, completely unexpectedly, is going to make a lot more people twice before agreeing to this. When people were asked in the past, I think 99% of people heard, "Would you agree, symbolically, to do this important job for me, in the event the worst happens, even though the worst will never happen." Now, I think people are more overwhelmed and realize what an undertaking this would be, if they were called to serve.

If you're looking to secure a non-family member guardian, I would put together a rock solid plan that is respectful of the family you're asking for help. This means probably far more life insurance than you think they need (judging by your attitude towards their lifestyles), and probably some financial consideration for what taking on this task would do to the family's finances long term.

This is the PP you responded to. I don't know why you're assuming I didn't ask. I did. Multiple relatives and friends refused. I think you're right that most people will think harder about saying yes after COVID-- but I asked relatives years before this happened, and they said no. I'm not judging their demanding careers (I also have one! We all have (earned, or inherited, or both) tons of money! Some of my relatives are also literally lottery winners who won tens of millions). Really, it isn't the money.

Life insurance is a great idea. Some of us are not insurable no matter how hard we try to buy a policy (think: cancer survivor, or long COVID with lung/ heart damage, or organ transplant, etc.). I have never been able to get life insurance other than the guaranteed issue coverage through work. It's just not possible, and please stop yourself before you accuse me of not trying hard enough. In any case, my kids would inherit multiple millions of dollars if I got hit by a bus, so anyone taking care of them would be able to buy a bigger house and hire 3 nannies or whatever. But that doesn't solve my problem that no one wants to take care of them.

This has nothing to do with your sister's situation, as no one would be incurring any costs that couldn't be paid for with my money. Your advice isn't as helpful as you think it is. It's just condescending and rude.

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if anxiety meds would help me, but I have to assume that the occasional thoughts that can keep me up at night or move me to tears are not necessarily indicative of an *actual* anxiety disorder, right? I'm open to being wrong, butt I guess I kind of assumed this is just part of parenting.

This is the PP you responded to. I don't know why you're assuming I didn't ask. I did. Multiple relatives and friends refused. I think you're right that most people will think harder about saying yes after COVID-- but I asked relatives years before this happened, and they said no. I'm not judging their demanding careers (I also have one! We all have (earned, or inherited, or both) tons of money! Some of my relatives are also literally lottery winners who won tens of millions). Really, it isn't the money.

Life insurance is a great idea. Some of us are not insurable no matter how hard we try to buy a policy (think: cancer survivor, or long COVID with lung/ heart damage, or organ transplant, etc.). I have never been able to get life insurance other than the guaranteed issue coverage through work. It's just not possible, and please stop yourself before you accuse me of not trying hard enough. In any case, my kids would inherit multiple millions of dollars if I got hit by a bus, so anyone taking care of them would be able to buy a bigger house and hire 3 nannies or whatever. But that doesn't solve my problem that no one wants to take care of them.

This has nothing to do with your sister's situation, as no one would be incurring any costs that couldn't be paid for with my money. Your advice isn't as helpful as you think it is. It's just condescending and rude.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making a will that specifies how the kids will be taken care of greatly reduced my anxiety about this.

Unfortunately, my anxiety is based on the fact that I would like to do this, but don't have family or friends who would take my kids. It's not a money issue, it's a "taking time away from their demanding, high-earning careers" issue. No one I know wants to do that for someone else's kids.

This sounds like you haven't even asked someone, yet you're passing judgement on people who maintain demanding, high earning careers.

I will offer the perspective of someone who declined to accept guardianship in a will, which lead to an epic extended family falling out.

My sister was approached by an extended family member, a same-aged niece with whom she's always been very close. She initially accepted, but later it came out that the niece and her husband (who live in a LCOL area) were carrying an extremely low level of life insurance for the HCOL area my sister lives in. Frankly, I thought it would have been too low for the LCOL area as well, but I stayed out of it. Anyway, my sister had to walk back her initial acceptance, explaining that there's no way she could accept guardianship if at such significant out of pocket cost to her family. Sister walked niece though the numbers -- e.g. what preschool costs per year in HCOL, health insurance premium costs because they're self-employed, what the increase in housing would cost (sister's house is small and kids are already doubled up in bedrooms). Sister explained that niece's numbers don't even count some sort of emergency popping up, or uncovered medical expenses - like therapy costs, and so on. That doesn't even count the financial damage it would do to my sister's retirement planning, as she or her husband would almost certainly have to stop working.

After watching what my sister has gone through with her niece, I'd never accept guardianship for anyone other than my sister or DH's brother. It's understandably a very touchy subject, but it opens your family up to all sorts of criticism by the jealous relative who's asking for the favor. In COVID times, we are dealing with major educational and childcare issues -- long and short term school closures, the need for tutoring, needing to come out of pocket for childcare. I think actually seeing how badly the sh*t can hit the fan, completely unexpectedly, is going to make a lot more people twice before agreeing to this. When people were asked in the past, I think 99% of people heard, "Would you agree, symbolically, to do this important job for me, in the event the worst happens, even though the worst will never happen." Now, I think people are more overwhelmed and realize what an undertaking this would be, if they were called to serve.

If you're looking to secure a non-family member guardian, I would put together a rock solid plan that is respectful of the family you're asking for help. This means probably far more life insurance than you think they need (judging by your attitude towards their lifestyles), and probably some financial consideration for what taking on this task would do to the family's finances long term.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making a will that specifies how the kids will be taken care of greatly reduced my anxiety about this.

Unfortunately, my anxiety is based on the fact that I would like to do this, but don't have family or friends who would take my kids. It's not a money issue, it's a "taking time away from their demanding, high-earning careers" issue. No one I know wants to do that for someone else's kids.

This sounds like you haven't even asked someone, yet you're passing judgement on people who maintain demanding, high earning careers.

I will offer the perspective of someone who declined to accept guardianship in a will, which lead to an epic extended family falling out.

My sister was approached by an extended family member, a same-aged niece with whom she's always been very close. She initially accepted, but later it came out that the niece and her husband (who live in a LCOL area) were carrying an extremely low level of life insurance for the HCOL area my sister lives in. Frankly, I thought it would have been too low for the LCOL area as well, but I stayed out of it. Anyway, my sister had to walk back her initial acceptance, explaining that there's no way she could accept guardianship if at such significant out of pocket cost to her family. Sister walked niece though the numbers -- e.g. what preschool costs per year in HCOL, health insurance premium costs because they're self-employed, what the increase in housing would cost (sister's house is small and kids are already doubled up in bedrooms). Sister explained that niece's numbers don't even count some sort of emergency popping up, or uncovered medical expenses - like therapy costs, and so on. That doesn't even count the financial damage it would do to my sister's retirement planning, as she or her husband would almost certainly have to stop working.

After watching what my sister has gone through with her niece, I'd never accept guardianship for anyone other than my sister or DH's brother. It's understandably a very touchy subject, but it opens your family up to all sorts of criticism by the jealous relative who's asking for the favor. In COVID times, we are dealing with major educational and childcare issues -- long and short term school closures, the need for tutoring, needing to come out of pocket for childcare. I think actually seeing how badly the sh*t can hit the fan, completely unexpectedly, is going to make a lot more people twice before agreeing to this. When people were asked in the past, I think 99% of people heard, "Would you agree, symbolically, to do this important job for me, in the event the worst happens, even though the worst will never happen." Now, I think people are more overwhelmed and realize what an undertaking this would be, if they were called to serve.

If you're looking to secure a non-family member guardian, I would put together a rock solid plan that is respectful of the family you're asking for help. This means probably far more life insurance than you think they need (judging by your attitude towards their lifestyles), and probably some financial consideration for what taking on this task would do to the family's finances long term.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Making a will that specifies how the kids will be taken care of greatly reduced my anxiety about this.

Unfortunately, my anxiety is based on the fact that I would like to do this, but don't have family or friends who would take my kids. It's not a money issue, it's a "taking time away from their demanding, high-earning careers" issue. No one I know wants to do that for someone else's kids.

Anonymous wrote:This worry occasionally pops up for me, too. When it does, I make my husband tell me what he would do if I did die. It makes me feel better. I also use the worry as a motivator to take my health and safety seriously and to check in with my kids that they know how much I love them.

Basically, turn this mental worry into some kind of positive action that you can do right now.

Anonymous wrote:My husband’s cousin lost both parents as a teen. He actually did ok and is happily married and a father. People find a way.