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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I had this dynamic with a long time childhood friend.  She was upset I had a family before she did and made a few hurtful comments about my husband and kids.  When she finally got married and she and her husband made more money than us and lived in a fancier zip code- she was insufferable- she acted like we were less than her.  We both mutually ended the friendship when she became pregnant.  I couldn't stomach the thought of having to listen to endless stories/pics about how her awesome her kids were when she had disparaged mine.  [/quote]

+1 for only having this problem with a long time childhood friend. None of the friends I have made from college through adulthood are like this - they happy for my wins, empathetic for the losses, and I feel like they're on my side. We support and love each other.

Childhood friend got very mean when I had professional success right out of college, and took it personally when I wouldn't go out drinking or travel because of work obligations. Every conversation was about how I was such a loser for working long hours, and how I was going to die alone and never have fun again.  :roll:

Then I got married in late 20s (she is/was single), took a big step back to go back to school and try something new and she would always comment about how sad it is that I'll never have the excitement of dating again, how boring it must be to only have sex with one person, faux-empathy about how difficult it must be to start a new career just dripping with condescension, about how her job is more important than mine, better paid, and how she works harder than me.

I stopped drinking after the kids came for health and mental reasons. I wasn't a messy/problem drinker other than occasionally in college, but she was there for it and now takes every opportunity possible to bring up this one specific night (10+ years ago!) where I threw up after drinking too much on a post-heartbreak/breakup bender. WTF lady, this was a decade ago and my poor, stupid little 20 year old heart was broken. Is it really that funny? BUT she also has to talk about how much more fun I was when I drank.

We don't see her often now because COVID, but before that also because her social life revolves around drinking and it's awkward for me. When we do see her it's just constant belittling for the strangest things (I'm wearing clothes I had a decade ago, how she would 'rather die' than live in my UMC 'boring' suburb, I am pathetic because we have the same vacations every year, I go to bed too early because I don't respond to texts after 10pm, most recently mocking me for being a 'basement dwelling loser' for not wanting to come over to her indoor wine and cheese night during COVID, which she held 3 days after being in the UK, etc.).

I want to ditch her permanently but she is close with a group of girls I've known my whole life and it would be really impossible without cutting them all off, which I don't want to do. She is not nearly as catty and mean with them, but was not as close growing up and had less in common with them from ~12-21 years old so I suspect she's hurt and/or angry that my priorities changed as I got older compared to hers. I never initiate contact but I am just dying to respond to the next text with 'if you think I'm such an insufferable loser, why do you keep messaging me?'. [/quote]

PP, find your voice, and express yourself with confidence. You don’t have to be dramatic, or have ill will. Liken yourself to a dam, establishing a solid security measure when the demands of others seek to overtake you. Hold the door, and define your boundary, it can be in a very quiet whisper, a silently loving look - or a clear direct expression. Even something as simple as: “I disagree.”

And nothing more. Start with that. We should only be held captive to the authority we choose to submit to.eventually, you may be able to redirect the energy of this symbolic dam in a way that gives light to others. Don’t reduce the power just redirect and don’t be afraid to be yourself.

If you cannot to this — untangle yourself completely, and then reassess your capacity.

Also read up on codependency. It can happen in friendships. One friendship we were codependents!! But we grew out of it together, isn’t that something?

I wish the best for you. .[/quote]

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