Anonymous wrote:

Np. No, most parents only share the real stuff with family. I never said anything negative because I dont need your advice and it is none of your business.

My kid. My problem. Your kid your problem.

Anonymous wrote:It's an American thing. They all think their kids are well behaved and belong in college, even when half of them aren't, and don't.

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is completely cultural. I'm American but my parents immigrated from Asia. Culturally Chinese parents believe they should tell their kids what they are doing wrong--believe, my parents are still do this all the time even though I am in my 40s with kids of my own, LOL! It would be the height of rudeness to praise one's own children in front of other people. I hated this as a kid because my mom would criticize me in front of my white American friends--who thought it was really strange. On the flip side, people from other countries can find Americans weirdly pollyannaish (having an ex whose mom was German I laughed at that observation, she was very blunt about people's shortcomings!) and find Americans falsely--they believe--positive about things, including kids.

Just realize it's a cultural difference, both approaches have their strengths and weaknesses. In a white American suburban setting you are better off saying complimentary things about other people's kids. It's different with true friends, but in polite conversation it is just not done to say anything else. Things can sometimes be different in African-American communities and Latino communities if you are part of that community and there is a relationship among families understanding you are all looking out for each other's kids and sometimes that means being strict with children, even not your own, in a different way, but I leave it to folks from those communities to speak to that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is cultural. To be honest, I am often truly aghast at some of the stories my Asian friends have shared with me about what their moms think is acceptable to say to them. From comments about gaining weight to needing plastic surgery to their (decent) grades not being good enough to their college or career not being prestigious enough, husbands not earning enough money, etc. It seems so cold and mean to me.

I can’t imagine saying stuff like that to anyone let alone a vulnerable child who believes in you wholly.

+1

My 8 yo daughter has a bit of a rounded tummy still. It would kill her self esteem and confidence if I ever even hinted that she needed to lose weight.

But I have East Asian and Indian friends who say this was completely normal among their mothers’ and grandmothers’ generations. Seems really detrimental.

Well to contrast that, in general, I find White people (especially white women) have less resiliency and suffer more mental trauma over rather usual life hardships.

Obviously too much of going either way can be detrimental, but one way is not superior to the other.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is cultural. To be honest, I am often truly aghast at some of the stories my Asian friends have shared with me about what their moms think is acceptable to say to them. From comments about gaining weight to needing plastic surgery to their (decent) grades not being good enough to their college or career not being prestigious enough, husbands not earning enough money, etc. It seems so cold and mean to me.

I can’t imagine saying stuff like that to anyone let alone a vulnerable child who believes in you wholly.

+1

My 8 yo daughter has a bit of a rounded tummy still. It would kill her self esteem and confidence if I ever even hinted that she needed to lose weight.

But I have East Asian and Indian friends who say this was completely normal among their mothers’ and grandmothers’ generations. Seems really detrimental.

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is completely cultural. I'm American but my parents immigrated from Asia. Culturally Chinese parents believe they should tell their kids what they are doing wrong--believe, my parents are still do this all the time even though I am in my 40s with kids of my own, LOL! It would be the height of rudeness to praise one's own children in front of other people. I hated this as a kid because my mom would criticize me in front of my white American friends--who thought it was really strange. On the flip side, people from other countries can find Americans weirdly pollyannaish (having an ex whose mom was German I laughed at that observation, she was very blunt about people's shortcomings!) and find Americans falsely--they believe--positive about things, including kids.

Just realize it's a cultural difference, both approaches have their strengths and weaknesses. In a white American suburban setting you are better off saying complimentary things about other people's kids. It's different with true friends, but in polite conversation it is just not done to say anything else. Things can sometimes be different in African-American communities and Latino communities if you are part of that community and there is a relationship among families understanding you are all looking out for each other's kids and sometimes that means being strict with children, even not your own, in a different way, but I leave it to folks from those communities to speak to that.

Anonymous wrote:It is cultural. To be honest, I am often truly aghast at some of the stories my Asian friends have shared with me about what their moms think is acceptable to say to them. From comments about gaining weight to needing plastic surgery to their (decent) grades not being good enough to their college or career not being prestigious enough, husbands not earning enough money, etc. It seems so cold and mean to me.

I can’t imagine saying stuff like that to anyone let alone a vulnerable child who believes in you wholly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't want people with big mouths in our small school community to use DC as one of their conversation starters because they are bored rich housewives and have nothing to do but pilates and gossip.

Oh my. A lot of resentment to unpack in this contribution here, PP. I hope you
find peace.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a combination of people being very insecure (and not wanting to admit they have worries or that they struggle with anything) and also “toxic positivity” which is this American habit of always insisting everything have an upbeat outlook.

Not everyone is this way, and I actually started vetting friends in part on their ability to both be real about their own life and willingness to hear me be real about mine. I think the insistence that you only say positive things about your family is so fake and ultimately damaging, because it means you are stuffing the hard things down deep to put up this front. I also hate the sense that I am being judged for struggling when of course everyone struggles sometimes.

Also, I’m a writer and I hate trite, bland speech and anecdotes. And that’s what happens when people insist you only say upbeat, positive things all the time. That’s why the word “thrive” is so overused with regards to kids, and why it’s obnoxious when people talk about being “blessed”.

Some people are so conditioned to talk about their kids this way that they get confused and upset when you say something nice about your kids in an unfamiliar way. Once I was telling a colleague that having our new baby in our house felt like having some magic urchin wander in off the street and start living with us, because the baby had such a strong and joyful personality from the very beginning and we were often struck by her presence in our lives, like “Where did you come from?!” But the colleague was flustered when I said this and scolded me and said “You should feel lucky.” Which is exactly what I was saying, just with different, more interesting words.

Most people are dull and kind of dumb.

Wonder if you know how exhausting you come off to people?
I suspect it doesn’t matter to you.
But I also doubt anyone has ever said it aloud to you or ever attempted to disabuse you of you smug self-satisfaction. You might consider that your open disdain for all the “boring” people isn’t as charming as you seem to think it is. Nor are you as interesting to others as you have fashioned yourself to be in your own mind.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a combination of people being very insecure (and not wanting to admit they have worries or that they struggle with anything) and also “toxic positivity” which is this American habit of always insisting everything have an upbeat outlook.

Not everyone is this way, and I actually started vetting friends in part on their ability to both be real about their own life and willingness to hear me be real about mine. I think the insistence that you only say positive things about your family is so fake and ultimately damaging, because it means you are stuffing the hard things down deep to put up this front. I also hate the sense that I am being judged for struggling when of course everyone struggles sometimes.

Also, I’m a writer and I hate trite, bland speech and anecdotes. And that’s what happens when people insist you only say upbeat, positive things all the time. That’s why the word “thrive” is so overused with regards to kids, and why it’s obnoxious when people talk about being “blessed”.

Some people are so conditioned to talk about their kids this way that they get confused and upset when you say something nice about your kids in an unfamiliar way. Once I was telling a colleague that having our new baby in our house felt like having some magic urchin wander in off the street and start living with us, because the baby had such a strong and joyful personality from the very beginning and we were often struck by her presence in our lives, like “Where did you come from?!” But the colleague was flustered when I said this and scolded me and said “You should feel lucky.” Which is exactly what I was saying, just with different, more interesting words.

Most people are dull and kind of dumb.

Wonder if you know how exhausting you come off to people?
I suspect it doesn’t matter to you.
But I also doubt anyone has ever said it aloud to you or ever attempted to disabuse you of you smug self-satisfaction. You might consider that your open disdain for all the “boring” people isn’t as charming as you seem to think it is. Nor are you as interesting to others as you have fashioned yourself to be in your own mind.