Reply to Estranged Sibling entered rehab for alcoholism and wants to talk

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. I appreciate all if this advice. Right now[b] I just can't stop thinking about all the hurtful things my brother has done.[/b] The most recent incident involved texting me and my wife old photos of me and my ex from over 20 yrs ago, Then insinuating they were recent photos. Earlier gatherings usually have involved him bringing up something from my past to my wife or trying to get other people in the room to admit that they hate my wife and talk about her behind her back. Other situations among may others have involved insults about my kids being rich assholes. I just don't understand where these came from and the behavior is always unprovoked. [b]I have never received an apology for any of them.[/b] When I state to other family why I have chosen to distance myself, the only response I get is that my bro is jealous because he's in a loveless marriage. That's not an excuse. [b]I'm mad there's no accountability in my family and that my parents keep enabling it.[/b] [/quote]

This is what you need to work on.  Your anger and hurt may be justified, but I think that you have to find a way to (1) separate your anger at your brother from your anger at your family -- your family being wrong shouldn't be allowed to interfere with an opportunity for reconciliation and healing, and (2) let go of some of this anger.  Whether or not you end up reconciling with your brother, you don't want to be carrying this around the rest of your life.   And if you're so mad that your brother never apologized for his conduct that you can't listen to him apologize, it's a bit self-defeating.  You want to get to a place where you can listen, and then decide how you want to move forward.  Forgiving him doesn't mean you have to pretend the past never happened, or that you're okay with what he did, or that you're willing to accept bad treatment in the future.  And listening to his apology doesn't mean you have to accept that apology or forgive him.  I highly recommend Al-Anon, so you can find out how people deal with navigating these situations.  [/quote]

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