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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]He formed a close friendship with a work colleuge who lives across the country.  You said he wouldn't show you texts but that you "stumbled on the affair." What was it you found that makes you believe he either intended to have sex with her or loved her?
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OP here.
Her name showed up on his caller ID at 11:30pm, when no one from work should be calling. It was our wedding anniversary 😔 I was sitting next to him. He seemed flustered, so I knew something was not right. I asked him who she was and why she was calling. He admitted that he had been talking/texting with this person about work (initially) as she had lots of advice/insights on his business. But that they had become friends and his interest in her was a symptom of what was missing from our marriage. I looked though his work email and know that they had only met 2 months prior (it was an introductory email). Since then, he had not traveled to her state, so I’m pretty sure it was all emotional and not physical.  But then, I guess she could have traveled to our state?

He denies there were any deep feelings/love and I believe him based on his subsequent actions (cutting off all communication almost immediately). And he denies any plans to have sex with her, but I’ll always wonder that if she had not called that night, would it have gone further and become a long PA/EA? He never showed me the texts, so I have to assume the worst, right?

He still has to travel to her city for work sometimes, which kills me. 
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I'm sorry, but this is not an "affair" in any meaningful sense. It is a very intense friendship, and maybe some attraction, but the word affair gets thrown around too much. It is obvious that there are problems with your marriage beyond this incident, and you (both) should try to work on that, but I don't think you're doing yourself any favors, or frankly being honest, by making this thing seem like some huge betrayal.  [/quote

OP again. Thank you—a part of me feels reassured by this take on my situation— that it was not a huge betrayal. I do sometimes question if I’m over-reacting and need to just get over it, but then I think back and I know it was real. I acknowledge that there are more “severe” levels of betrayal that our relationship would not have survived.

The thing is, whatever attachment he had with this other woman was strong enough to make DH think about separating (and verbalize it to me), uprooting the lives of our four children, splitting up finances and tainting 20 years of an interconnected and previously strong marriage. Whatever feelings she evoked in him must have been pretty strong for him to risk everything. Also, it was a secret relationship. He had never mentioned her before. He changed his phone password and was on his phone late into the night while I was sleeping. I wanted to see their text exchange—he said no way in hell. I believe this has all the hallmarks of an emotional affair. It changed everything. [/quote]

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