Anonymous
Post 10/22/2020 14:30     Subject: Re:Emotional affair recovery
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A few years ago I thought my husband was having an affair with a younger colleague. I will skip rehashing the signs but when I confronted him after many months of it eating away at me he said "she's gay but thanks for not trusting me." So be careful on what you assume.


Uhh. You believe that? That sounds like a classic gaslighting response to me.


My first response too.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2020 14:30     Subject: Emotional affair recovery
Anonymous wrote:OP, I would caution you that it's not necessarily the case that he stopped talking to her cold turkey. It seems more likely that he just started using a secret app.

He's not showing real remorse and not taking full accountability for his actions, which makes me doubt what he says.


Yes. He could be using Skype chat/messaging; google voice (burner email acct), etc.

Truthfully, technology makes it near impossible to get caught. You can have your spouse’s passwords, phone access and find zero trace of anything. Mine left his phone out and unlocked and kids and I used it frequently.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2020 14:27     Subject: Re:Emotional affair recovery
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A few years ago I thought my husband was having an affair with a younger colleague. I will skip rehashing the signs but when I confronted him after many months of it eating away at me he said "she's gay but thanks for not trusting me." So be careful on what you assume.


Uhh. You believe that? That sounds like a classic gaslighting response to me.


I thought the same when I read that. I could write a book on gaslighting responses. They really make you believe them too.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2020 14:16     Subject: Emotional affair recovery
OP, I would caution you that it's not necessarily the case that he stopped talking to her cold turkey. It seems more likely that he just started using a secret app.

He's not showing real remorse and not taking full accountability for his actions, which makes me doubt what he says.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2020 14:13     Subject: Re:Emotional affair recovery
Anonymous wrote:A few years ago I thought my husband was having an affair with a younger colleague. I will skip rehashing the signs but when I confronted him after many months of it eating away at me he said "she's gay but thanks for not trusting me." So be careful on what you assume.


Uhh. You believe that? That sounds like a classic gaslighting response to me.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2020 14:04     Subject: Emotional affair recovery
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He formed a close friendship with a work colleuge who lives across the country. You said he wouldn't show you texts but that you "stumbled on the affair." What was it you found that makes you believe he either intended to have sex with her or loved her?


OP here.
Her name showed up on his caller ID at 11:30pm, when no one from work should be calling. It was our wedding anniversary 😔 I was sitting next to him. He seemed flustered, so I knew something was not right. I asked him who she was and why she was calling. He admitted that he had been talking/texting with this person about work (initially) as she had lots of advice/insights on his business. But that they had become friends and his interest in her was a symptom of what was missing from our marriage. I looked though his work email and know that they had only met 2 months prior (it was an introductory email). Since then, he had not traveled to her state, so I’m pretty sure it was all emotional and not physical. But then, I guess she could have traveled to our state?

He denies there were any deep feelings/love and I believe him based on his subsequent actions (cutting off all communication almost immediately). And he denies any plans to have sex with her, but I’ll always wonder that if she had not called that night, would it have gone further and become a long PA/EA? He never showed me the texts, so I have to assume the worst, right?

He still has to travel to her city for work sometimes, which kills me.


I'm sorry, but this is not an "affair" in any meaningful sense. It is a very intense friendship, and maybe some attraction, but the word affair gets thrown around too much. It is obvious that there are problems with your marriage beyond this incident, and you (both) should try to work on that, but I don't think you're doing yourself any favors, or frankly being honest, by making this thing seem like some huge betrayal. [/quote

OP again. Thank you—a part of me feels reassured by this take on my situation— that it was not a huge betrayal. I do sometimes question if I’m over-reacting and need to just get over it, but then I think back and I know it was real. I acknowledge that there are more “severe” levels of betrayal that our relationship would not have survived.

The thing is, whatever attachment he had with this other woman was strong enough to make DH think about separating (and verbalize it to me), uprooting the lives of our four children, splitting up finances and tainting 20 years of an interconnected and previously strong marriage. Whatever feelings she evoked in him must have been pretty strong for him to risk everything. Also, it was a secret relationship. He had never mentioned her before. He changed his phone password and was on his phone late into the night while I was sleeping. I wanted to see their text exchange—he said no way in hell. I believe this has all the hallmarks of an emotional affair. It changed everything.


I think the question is whether the "attachment he had with this other woman was strong enough to make DH think about separating," or whether that feeling existed before and he reached out to someone for connection. I think that putting this into the "affair" category and disclaim any of your own fault and need to work on things, too. Sure, maybe he shouldn't have done this, but if you get hung up on that and punishing him for that, you'll never get to the deeper issues that need to be addressed to save the marriage. That is the danger with labeling this an affair.

Now, it sounds like you recognize (from your original post) that the marriage had already started to go downhill some (which is totally normal), and it sounds like you want to work on it. But I caution against putting this into the affair category and demanding that he take more responsibility than is fair for what has happened to the relationship.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2020 13:26     Subject: Emotional affair recovery
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He formed a close friendship with a work colleuge who lives across the country. You said he wouldn't show you texts but that you "stumbled on the affair." What was it you found that makes you believe he either intended to have sex with her or loved her?


OP here.
Her name showed up on his caller ID at 11:30pm, when no one from work should be calling. It was our wedding anniversary 😔 I was sitting next to him. He seemed flustered, so I knew something was not right. I asked him who she was and why she was calling. He admitted that he had been talking/texting with this person about work (initially) as she had lots of advice/insights on his business. But that they had become friends and his interest in her was a symptom of what was missing from our marriage. I looked though his work email and know that they had only met 2 months prior (it was an introductory email). Since then, he had not traveled to her state, so I’m pretty sure it was all emotional and not physical. But then, I guess she could have traveled to our state?

He denies there were any deep feelings/love and I believe him based on his subsequent actions (cutting off all communication almost immediately). And he denies any plans to have sex with her, but I’ll always wonder that if she had not called that night, would it have gone further and become a long PA/EA? He never showed me the texts, so I have to assume the worst, right?

He still has to travel to her city for work sometimes, which kills me.


I'm sorry, but this is not an "affair" in any meaningful sense. It is a very intense friendship, and maybe some attraction, but the word affair gets thrown around too much. It is obvious that there are problems with your marriage beyond this incident, and you (both) should try to work on that, but I don't think you're doing yourself any favors, or frankly being honest, by making this thing seem like some huge betrayal. [/quote

OP again. Thank you—a part of me feels reassured by this take on my situation— that it was not a huge betrayal. I do sometimes question if I’m over-reacting and need to just get over it, but then I think back and I know it was real. I acknowledge that there are more “severe” levels of betrayal that our relationship would not have survived.

The thing is, whatever attachment he had with this other woman was strong enough to make DH think about separating (and verbalize it to me), uprooting the lives of our four children, splitting up finances and tainting 20 years of an interconnected and previously strong marriage. Whatever feelings she evoked in him must have been pretty strong for him to risk everything. Also, it was a secret relationship. He had never mentioned her before. He changed his phone password and was on his phone late into the night while I was sleeping. I wanted to see their text exchange—he said no way in hell. I believe this has all the hallmarks of an emotional affair. It changed everything.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2020 13:11     Subject: Re:Emotional affair recovery
OP- did he do therapy on his own? Your post alarms me/raises red flags that he refuses to discuss it. My spouse had an incident like this, did a few couples therapy sessions that were worthless. Counselor saw nothing wrong with our marriage and blew the whole thing off. I wrote it off as a stressful time in his life (a college friend had a tragic death) and a “one-off”. 2 years later he started a physical affair with a stranger off the Internet.

When there is rug sweeping which does nothing to address the underlying personal/individual’s issues and things go back to living right away...it is a set up for a larger betrayal down the line. They didn’t hit rock bottom and will look back on how easily they were forgiven the first time. They also get better at hiding.

He needs to talk. Period. You need to not be afraid to keep talking and demanding more.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2020 12:57     Subject: Re:Emotional affair recovery
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think being triggered is a part of it, therapy helps a lot and over time it can be expected to lessen as you process and come to know what happened. I read a lot, about other people's experiences and how they healed. I let myself feel every crazy, f ing emotion and i also let him see my pain and what he did. He was both surprised I cared as much as I did and deeply ashamed and remorseful. I said you must return to your own therapy and he did. I said you must understand you carry the load for us staying together, I might leave, I meant it and he responded. It took time...one day about 2 years later, after we moved to a new beautiful house, i just broke down again. I remember asking him why....that i never really understood and he said things to me about his loneliness at that time and for whatever reason, i knew it was true and it was a turning point in being able to let a lot go and trust enough to go forward. Thete are no guarantees in any relationship.

Also, I was relieved I found out the truth. Some women are married for decades to men who were completely faithful. They retain that innocence. But for many of us, it just does not go that way. I wish it did for us, but it did not. The only choice going forward was...did i want to rebuild something new with this person going forward? Ask yourself that. I did and i am glad I stayed. I love this guy deeply and I know he loves me deeply too, probably more than before. We had a whole, interconnected life together. If you both do the work it can bond you and make you stronger....it is like having been in combat together. And I know I can handle whatever happens, alone or together, because it brought me to my knees, but I survived. You will too.


OP here. This is such amazing/practical insight/emotions and can only come from people who have gone through this. Thank you so much.
As a PP said, trust and safety can be an illusion. This has taught me how strong I am, and brought my DH and I closer in many ways. But what I wouldn’t give to erase what he did/the pain. DH is always planning for the future—we are going to travel here/there when kids get older, let’s buy this/that, but I can’t even think about the future.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2020 12:54     Subject: Emotional affair recovery
OP I could have written a very similar post.

And, one year later, I still don't trust completely and have moments of anger. I feel like it did not ruin, but changed, our marriage of 28 years. I went to some individual therapy and that was helpful, but mostly I "hardened my heart" and accepted that the marriage has flaws so that if a second incident occurs I will not be devastated, but more emotionally prepared to decide if I want to leave.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2020 12:43     Subject: Emotional affair recovery
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He formed a close friendship with a work colleuge who lives across the country. You said he wouldn't show you texts but that you "stumbled on the affair." What was it you found that makes you believe he either intended to have sex with her or loved her?


OP here.
Her name showed up on his caller ID at 11:30pm, when no one from work should be calling. It was our wedding anniversary 😔 I was sitting next to him. He seemed flustered, so I knew something was not right. I asked him who she was and why she was calling. He admitted that he had been talking/texting with this person about work (initially) as she had lots of advice/insights on his business. But that they had become friends and his interest in her was a symptom of what was missing from our marriage. I looked though his work email and know that they had only met 2 months prior (it was an introductory email). Since then, he had not traveled to her state, so I’m pretty sure it was all emotional and not physical. But then, I guess she could have traveled to our state?

He denies there were any deep feelings/love and I believe him based on his subsequent actions (cutting off all communication almost immediately). And he denies any plans to have sex with her, but I’ll always wonder that if she had not called that night, would it have gone further and become a long PA/EA? He never showed me the texts, so I have to assume the worst, right?

He still has to travel to her city for work sometimes, which kills me.


I'm sorry, but this is not an "affair" in any meaningful sense. It is a very intense friendship, and maybe some attraction, but the word affair gets thrown around too much. It is obvious that there are problems with your marriage beyond this incident, and you (both) should try to work on that, but I don't think you're doing yourself any favors, or frankly being honest, by making this thing seem like some huge betrayal.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2020 12:34     Subject: Emotional affair recovery
Anonymous wrote:Betrayal can be a trauma. When I found out my husband had an affair, it was a trauma for me. I needed extensive individual therapy and couples therapy to help me heal. We are still together and worked to have a happy, healthy marriage again.

Key for us is my husband’s willingness to be transparent in his life - I don’t have to wonder because he tells me where his is and I have access to all phones, computers, and bank accounts.

Also, DH is very supportive of helping me heal and listening to my pain and triggers. He has been patient. It can take 3-5 years to heal from betrayal trauma. We’re at 18 months, and I still have triggers. He listens to my fears and pain and has remorse, guilt, and shame for his actions. This makes me feel safe in that I believe he thinks his actions were wrong and knows how much he hurt me.

Do I fully trust him? No, but I’ve made peace with that. I trust him on many things. Blind trust will never be a part of our life and he has made peace with that as well.

Am I fully healed? No. It’s a process. I’m much better than where I was when I first found out. We both view this as a lifelong journey we want to take together. Sometimes DH is sad that certain places/activities are triggers for me. He’ll ask if I’ll ever be “healed.” I don’t know the answer. Only that I’m still hurting now and working on healing.

I really work to stay in today. Reliving past events when you have no power to change them doesn’t give you the gift of peace today. Staying spiritually, physically, and emotionally strong helps me forgive and be happy today. It takes self discipline to recognize your emotions and let go of past events. Therapy can help you with the process. EMDR can lower the volume on the pain and anxiety.


OP again. You are lucky that your husband is so open and supportive.
My DH downplayed everything at the time. Over a year later, we never talk about the affair and I don’t feel like I can bring it up, as I know he will ask why it’s still bothering me. And I think—things are going so well that I should leave it alone. He is definitely avoidant and I think that it will cause major tension between us. So I’m avoiding as well. He does know that if he ever slips again, I’m out.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2020 12:28     Subject: Emotional affair recovery
Anonymous wrote:He formed a close friendship with a work colleuge who lives across the country. You said he wouldn't show you texts but that you "stumbled on the affair." What was it you found that makes you believe he either intended to have sex with her or loved her?


OP here.
Her name showed up on his caller ID at 11:30pm, when no one from work should be calling. It was our wedding anniversary 😔 I was sitting next to him. He seemed flustered, so I knew something was not right. I asked him who she was and why she was calling. He admitted that he had been talking/texting with this person about work (initially) as she had lots of advice/insights on his business. But that they had become friends and his interest in her was a symptom of what was missing from our marriage. I looked though his work email and know that they had only met 2 months prior (it was an introductory email). Since then, he had not traveled to her state, so I’m pretty sure it was all emotional and not physical. But then, I guess she could have traveled to our state?

He denies there were any deep feelings/love and I believe him based on his subsequent actions (cutting off all communication almost immediately). And he denies any plans to have sex with her, but I’ll always wonder that if she had not called that night, would it have gone further and become a long PA/EA? He never showed me the texts, so I have to assume the worst, right?

He still has to travel to her city for work sometimes, which kills me.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2020 10:37     Subject: Emotional affair recovery
Anonymous wrote:Betrayal can be a trauma. When I found out my husband had an affair, it was a trauma for me. I needed extensive individual therapy and couples therapy to help me heal. We are still together and worked to have a happy, healthy marriage again.

Key for us is my husband’s willingness to be transparent in his life - I don’t have to wonder because he tells me where his is and I have access to all phones, computers, and bank accounts.

Also, DH is very supportive of helping me heal and listening to my pain and triggers. He has been patient. It can take 3-5 years to heal from betrayal trauma. We’re at 18 months, and I still have triggers. He listens to my fears and pain and has remorse, guilt, and shame for his actions. This makes me feel safe in that I believe he thinks his actions were wrong and knows how much he hurt me.

Do I fully trust him? No, but I’ve made peace with that. I trust him on many things. Blind trust will never be a part of our life and he has made peace with that as well.

Am I fully healed? No. It’s a process. I’m much better than where I was when I first found out. We both view this as a lifelong journey we want to take together. Sometimes DH is sad that certain places/activities are triggers for me. He’ll ask if I’ll ever be “healed.” I don’t know the answer. Only that I’m still hurting now and working on healing.

I really work to stay in today. Reliving past events when you have no power to change them doesn’t give you the gift of peace today. Staying spiritually, physically, and emotionally strong helps me forgive and be happy today. It takes self discipline to recognize your emotions and let go of past events. Therapy can help you with the process. EMDR can lower the volume on the pain and anxiety.


Thank you for this. I’m 6 months out from discovery and it echoes what I’ve read. I’m looking into EMDR.
Anonymous
Post 10/22/2020 10:35     Subject: Emotional affair recovery
Betrayal can be a trauma. When I found out my husband had an affair, it was a trauma for me. I needed extensive individual therapy and couples therapy to help me heal. We are still together and worked to have a happy, healthy marriage again.

Key for us is my husband’s willingness to be transparent in his life - I don’t have to wonder because he tells me where his is and I have access to all phones, computers, and bank accounts.

Also, DH is very supportive of helping me heal and listening to my pain and triggers. He has been patient. It can take 3-5 years to heal from betrayal trauma. We’re at 18 months, and I still have triggers. He listens to my fears and pain and has remorse, guilt, and shame for his actions. This makes me feel safe in that I believe he thinks his actions were wrong and knows how much he hurt me.

Do I fully trust him? No, but I’ve made peace with that. I trust him on many things. Blind trust will never be a part of our life and he has made peace with that as well.

Am I fully healed? No. It’s a process. I’m much better than where I was when I first found out. We both view this as a lifelong journey we want to take together. Sometimes DH is sad that certain places/activities are triggers for me. He’ll ask if I’ll ever be “healed.” I don’t know the answer. Only that I’m still hurting now and working on healing.

I really work to stay in today. Reliving past events when you have no power to change them doesn’t give you the gift of peace today. Staying spiritually, physically, and emotionally strong helps me forgive and be happy today. It takes self discipline to recognize your emotions and let go of past events. Therapy can help you with the process. EMDR can lower the volume on the pain and anxiety.