Reply to how to have a close family and stop this generational problem

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Here are things you can do - I have a pretty close family and some dysfunctional aspects - here is what I think works.

Call or text a lot - share photos, do zooms (a silver lining of void)

send gifts and/or birthday cards

visit when you can - even short time

try not to let small slights get in the way - if your brother doesn't call when you are sick, let it go - that is, if you want to have a relationship

Don't force your kids to be close - that will certainly back fire - but you can do it subtly - I tell my kids - ohh - your brother would love that photo - send it to him, or whatever - just to encourage

remind your kids and your siblings of birthdays so they can remember and bring everyone closer

If you want family to be the priority, model that ---- call family first to celebrate holidays, or when something good happens[/quote]

NP here.  I will add - be able to share other people's joy, especially immediate family members (that you want to be close to).  If you favor one sibling/family member over another (especially true with offspring) - it will show and it will create a tremendous divide.

MIL goes over the top gah gah over distant relatives, but it kills her to say more than one word responses to DH.  DH feels it, and feels no obligation to MIL - but I know how MIL (fails to) react hurts DH.  DH never did anything to his family, and has only given - which backfired, sadly.  He tries to be there and do for them, even though he has much less time (they have empty nests, DH does not. Plus, DH has to be in many different places for more than full time work, and his family does not - just two big examples).  I try to encourage DH to see MIL more, but DH has a lot on his plate, and (he says) no one ever stepped forward to ask how he is doing.

As a consequence, DC also see the situation from DH's perspective, as they get older.  They are kind to DH's family, but they are well aware that some are treated differently than others, for absolutely no reason. I have always been supportive and quiet about the situation, maybe they want some big throw down confrontation drama about what a sh&tty family they were to DH, I don't know.  At this point, it doesn't really matter that much, except when they (repeatedly) leave DH out, and I see his hurt. It's BS behavior from grown adults, for some perceived slight that doesn't exist, but they like the drama. My friends think his siblings might be jealous.  But I wasn't there all those years, through all the drama, so it is really not my job to play peacekeeper, or whatever. I know they try to project on me, which just becomes hilarious, at that point, since I know I did nothing - and like I said, I wasn't even there (thankfully) when the foundation for the dysfunction was laid.

OP, if you can be happy for immediate family - that says a lot about one's character.  If you stir up drama, or there is an immediate family member who can "do no right" they are going to want to stay away, because they will feel no matter how much they do, it won't be enough.[/quote]

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