Reply to If your spouse has mental health issues that are not fully controlled

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I was just discussing this with my therapist. She was our marriage therapist but then he stopped wanting to participate and I practically begged her to see me solo and she agreed, short-term.

Her advice was to detach emotionally. We talked through all of the difficulties of coparenting and being a single mother, huge for me right now with a newborn on the way and two other kids under 5. I agree with your assessment that it isn't worth all that divorce entails. She said there was no need for me to worry about the future right now, just focus on the present and enjoying my children. [b]If you can swing an au pair or a nanny, I'd say go for it.[/b] I'd love an extra set of hands and to be able to take a break here and there. [/quote]

New poster. Re: the bold: Both you, PP, and I think OP earlier, mention how great it would be to have a nanny or au pair. Totally see why that would be a gigantic help. But -- and I am not dissing the idea or the need for "extra hands"-- but isn't there some risk that bringing in another person might come with some risk of further throwing mentally unstable spouse(s) off kilter? Especially with an au pair, who lives in the household 24/7 with the family and is always around, isn't it possible that the new person could be viewed by the DH through a lens of anything from an open, "You don't trust ME with our kids" to  an unspoken "I must be a total loser since DW is bringing in another adult" to, I hate to say it, a DH getting overly attached to this helper? Seeing that person's presence as an "out" or a tacit permission to be even more checked out of the family since there's someone else there to help the family?

I need to be clear that I am NOT saying you both can do without help. It's so clear you need breaks in a huge way. And hiring help sounds wiser than dong the "family needs to help out" stuff that DCUM always pushes at people--involving family (if they're close by) can just create rifts and drama. But I'm wondering what therapists would say about whether and how to introduce an employee into the scenario. I guess it really depends greatly on whether the DH would see or interact with that person much or if that person would be around during his work hours--? I would go for a nanny who doesn't live in the home, rather than an au pair who is in a gray area between nanny and "one of the family." Au pairs can be experienced with kids but I would not be too sure they would be experienced with dealing with a mentally ill adult living under the same roof day in and day out. [/quote]

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