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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous] DP. I was the first poster and you. I was able to change, but resentment built on his end. It was like I treated him with the same gloves, we beat each other down, then I said no more. I changed. I quieted. I smiled. He got pissed and wanted to use the credit he had been saving against me. Both people have to work, not just one. [b]Even if you do change, he has to appreciate and respect it.[/b] Everyone has a role. I hope you can save your marriage, and I hope your husband can save your marriage too. It will take mutual trust in the process. It is hard to do, even harder to be with someone that doesn’t want to change.[/quote]

NP and I think the bolded is crucial for the transformation to work. I feel safer being in control and have worked very hard on letting things go and giving more space to my SO. However, it seems like they're always dissatisfied and want even more than what I'm giving, no matter how much I'm giving. They don't seem to appreciate the efforts I'm making and how difficult letting go is for me. I'm at a point where I feel like I'm exerting myself trying and get no recognition. SO now systematically criticizes me on the now-rare occasions where something seems important enough that I choose to disagree with them. I use very cautious and respectful wording and avoid being directive at all costs, but they always find a reason to be offended.

We've been together a while but are not married yet, and I'm starting to question our relationship. I don't know if we'll ever be able to regain the mutual trust we had at the beginning of our relationship. It feels like they enjoy being the passive judge who has the moral high ground and gets to decide whether I'm good enough or not - and I think I'm coming to a point where compromising even more would mean giving up on my own identity in our relationship. I'm not sure where the balance is, or how to fix this![/quote]

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