Anonymous wrote: DP. I was the first poster and you. I was able to change, but resentment built on his end. It was like I treated him with the same gloves, we beat each other down, then I said no more. I changed. I quieted. I smiled. He got pissed and wanted to use the credit he had been saving against me. Both people have to work, not just one. Even if you do change, he has to appreciate and respect it. Everyone has a role. I hope you can save your marriage, and I hope your husband can save your marriage too. It will take mutual trust in the process. It is hard to do, even harder to be with someone that doesn’t want to change.

NP and I think the bolded is crucial for the transformation to work. I feel safer being in control and have worked very hard on letting things go and giving more space to my SO. However, it seems like they're always dissatisfied and want even more than what I'm giving, no matter how much I'm giving. They don't seem to appreciate the efforts I'm making and how difficult letting go is for me. I'm at a point where I feel like I'm exerting myself trying and get no recognition. SO now systematically criticizes me on the now-rare occasions where something seems important enough that I choose to disagree with them. I use very cautious and respectful wording and avoid being directive at all costs, but they always find a reason to be offended.

We've been together a while but are not married yet, and I'm starting to question our relationship. I don't know if we'll ever be able to regain the mutual trust we had at the beginning of our relationship. It feels like they enjoy being the passive judge who has the moral high ground and gets to decide whether I'm good enough or not - and I think I'm coming to a point where compromising even more would mean giving up on my own identity in our relationship. I'm not sure where the balance is, or how to fix this!

Depends. Did I figure out how to humor some of his weird shit? Sure. Did it help? Not really, because now all of his shit has to be humored and he has control issues and I suspect some sort of mental condition (SIL is bipolar). So in some cases you give in an inch and they bite off the whole arm. But it really depends what kind of person you're dealing with.

We are both pretty ambitious and strong willed but not in our marriage where we are almost the opposite. We are generally in agreement on just about everything and when not it really comes down to who feels strongest about something. In bed, I like being submissive but we often role reverse which is a great deal of fun.

Anonymous wrote:I am very successful. I let my husband take the lead on a lot of things because it is easier and takes it off my plate. He is amazing in bed, so I have not problem being submissive in that sense as well. The freedom it provides is worth it.

+1 and I figured it out after kid number 2!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I have learned to submit or pick my battles more carefully. We were in a lot of stupid power struggles earlier in our marriage (after the honeymoon period and when kids were in grade school). It made him very unhappy (me too although I was less conflict averse) and I really loved him and wanted to stay married and I have a great career where I get to lead and be in control. We just had a lot of ugly fights and I had to win. So I in the process of therapy was learning to let go in several ways and as I mellowed he did too. I am no doormat, but yes I am more respectful and careful with my words. And he has mellowed and is kinder and submits to me too so it was a good choice for me.

You're not kidding. You sound like a major control freak.

You know, what if I was? I had my reasons, I worked on myself and we are better. She was asking if it was possible or worth it, (I think) and I was sharing my story. You sound like you lack empathy and are pretty judgmental.

I have a lot of empathy for your life partner.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s called negotiating, OP. Mutual respect in a partnership.

This. It doesn't have to be about submission. It is a learned social skill. For adults to be able to reach compromise in a respectful way.

And it takes two

Anonymous wrote:It’s called negotiating, OP. Mutual respect in a partnership.

This. It doesn't have to be about submission. It is a learned social skill. For adults to be able to reach compromise in a respectful way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I have learned to submit or pick my battles more carefully. We were in a lot of stupid power struggles earlier in our marriage (after the honeymoon period and when kids were in grade school). It made him very unhappy (me too although I was less conflict averse) and I really loved him and wanted to stay married and I have a great career where I get to lead and be in control. We just had a lot of ugly fights and I had to win. So I in the process of therapy was learning to let go in several ways and as I mellowed he did too. I am no doormat, but yes I am more respectful and careful with my words. And he has mellowed and is kinder and submits to me too so it was a good choice for me.

You're not kidding. You sound like a major control freak.

You know, what if I was? I had my reasons, I worked on myself and we are better. She was asking if it was possible or worth it, (I think) and I was sharing my story. You sound like you lack empathy and are pretty judgmental.

Anonymous wrote:
I had the opposite problem, and I've had to learn to speak up in a timely manner, firmly and courteously, instead of stewing silently and then blowing up. I was a complete doormat before!

+1
Ended up in my friends divorce office and she told me I was not talking nearly enough to my DH. She said she is in frequent contact with her DH and they have demanding law careers. She told me to speak my mind whatever that may be. I am a royal you know what now if I need to be and guess what my husband is closer to me than ever! I feel so much better because my conscience is clear, it’s all off my chest. I say what I need to then I listen and move on, I don’t need to fight or win, I just need to say exactly how I feel.
Submission is for losers!

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I have learned to submit or pick my battles more carefully. We were in a lot of stupid power struggles earlier in our marriage (after the honeymoon period and when kids were in grade school). It made him very unhappy (me too although I was less conflict averse) and I really loved him and wanted to stay married and I have a great career where I get to lead and be in control. We just had a lot of ugly fights and I had to win. So I in the process of therapy was learning to let go in several ways and as I mellowed he did too. I am no doormat, but yes I am more respectful and careful with my words. And he has mellowed and is kinder and submits to me too so it was a good choice for me.

You're not kidding. You sound like a major control freak.

Yes, I have learned to submit or pick my battles more carefully. We were in a lot of stupid power struggles earlier in our marriage (after the honeymoon period and when kids were in grade school). It made him very unhappy (me too although I was less conflict averse) and I really loved him and wanted to stay married and I have a great career where I get to lead and be in control. We just had a lot of ugly fights and I had to win. So I in the process of therapy was learning to let go in several ways and as I mellowed he did too. I am no doormat, but yes I am more respectful and careful with my words. And he has mellowed and is kinder and submits to me too so it was a good choice for me.

I’m a very type A Alpha female but I love when my husband says “No problem, I’ll take care of it.” I’m not submissive, but I do have a DNA gene that kicks in once in awhile that is great for our relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m very strong willed and argumentative by nature. I love to debate issues and show you why I’m so smart! I’m a litigation attorney and female. Basically - what every man hates when he thinks about dating lawyer.

In my first marriage, I had to win every fight. My exH got worn down on the process. He also developed a very mean side when we fought and would fight dirty.

After living through all those insults, I’m now conflict avoidant in personal relationships. In my current marriage, I’m much more subdued and can stop and ask myself whether winning an argument is going to hurt my spouse. I frequently look the other way on things - like his notes on how I load the dishwasher wrong, comments on my driving, and home decor choices. I just smile and keep my mouth shut.

OP here. Thanks for sharing. This is me. I really relate to how you were in first marriage, and I’m hoping I can learn and implement your lessons without getting a divorce.

DP. I was the first poster and you. I was able to change, but resentment built on his end. It was like I treated him with the same gloves, we beat each other down, then I said no more. I changed. I quieted. I smiled. He got pissed and wanted to use the credit he had been saving against me. Both people have to work, not just one. Even if you do change, he has to appreciate and respect it. Everyone has a role. I hope you can save your marriage, and I hope your husband can save your marriage too. It will take mutual trust in the process. It is hard to do, even harder to be with someone that doesn’t want to change.

Anonymous wrote:I would never say submissive but I have compromised and I do let things go that years ago I'd have made a stink about.

Funnily enough my pre-teen daughter will often vocalise what I may have said years ago but can't be bothered to now.

For example, my DH works really long hours and pre-Covid was often traveling about 50% of the time every month. He decided to take up meditation which meant weekend meetings and then 20 mins every morning and evening to himself.

I said if it helped him, go right ahead. My DD said "Oh great, so you spend even LESS time with the family!"

Out of the mouths of babes.

NP. Thank you for sharing this. You confirmed my decision about quality time being a priority. I don’t want my child to suffer through things I’m suffering through.

I have learned to pick my battles.