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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]That was the only question I had about Mr. Perfect Cheater. Not how - WHY? Cheaters want something.  I think sometimes what cheaters want is understandable (physical intimacy).  Other times it is unreasonable (an endless need for validation).  In both cases, it is in the partner's best interest to identify the need, whether he/she is able and willing to meet it or not.  [/quote]

He had a f@cked up childhood—very bad.  Dad a bad alcoholic.  Dad blatantly cheated, gave mom STDS.  Then, abandoned the family.  He recounts awful fights in the house.  He then had to visit dad when random whores were there and he would be planted in front if tv with his brother while dad and white were in back room.  Dad ended up homeless at 69 and died alone.  Husband was called to hospital and saw him in final days.

Mom checked out.  Younger brother was a disaster after all of this so any bandwidth she had left was with him.  He slept in her bed—still to this day younger brother is a mess and mom invests everything in him- wife left him and 2 kids and he since has two illegitimate kids with different women.  Mom is very cold.  She is a nice person, but emotionally unavailable, never talked about past or got the kids counseling when they were young.

At one time in HS, mom moved boyfriend in for a few years.  His kids were there at times.  This was a small home.

Husband got by with being a perfectionist.  Very smart.  Valedictorian. Top University.  Then very successful, eventually own business.  Very good looking and charismatic.  Good father.

Very good relationship.  Great father, great husband, spent all time with my family and loved seeing a “normal family”.  Great sex life.  Lots of love.

Compartmentalization was learned as a kid.  When affair came to light he continued the therapy he put himself in 6 months prior when he was trying to end it—woman started to talk about leaving her spouse.  He spiraled down hard.  New psychiatrist had him tested and he was diagnosed a Clinical Narcissist w/ Histrionic Personality disorder.  From childhood trauma.

So- it was not me or our relationship.  It was his trauma.

75% of men with fathers that cheat go on to do it.  Trauma is multigenerational.

Midlife childhood demons came out.  I only knew about a 1/3 of them.  He rarely talked about childhood and repressed a lot.[/quote]

My husband also has childhood trauma that came to light in mid life. Took me a long time to I’d understand as his personality changed like a light switch. [/quote]

Yes.  Everyone- friends, neighbors, family are absolutely shocked because no warning signs and so out of character.  He’s the guy that helps everyone.

Did your husband get treatment? Did you stay with him?  If so, how is it going?[/quote]

Oh yes it rocked everyone’s perception of him, having known him for 20 years or so. We are still together and both seeking therapy. I don’t know if it will work. He’s changed. Not the person I married. It’s actually hard to fathom sometimes. I have a lot of grief about the person I once knew. [/quote]

I'm guessing you're biggest motivator are the kids and finances.

I know a few women that have to stay because it would be too big of a hit. I would let him get the therapy and try and enjoy your life. You can stay with him but emotionally separate. 
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