Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, what is the range of money needed to carry out an affair? Would a couple of hundred dollars a month be enough? just trying to figure out what my husband has been spending money on. He can't/won't tell me. He didn't come home with anything. He puts meals, coffee, etc on the credit cards.

The first time he did this he was also moody and distant. He was less interested in sex. He asked when I was going to go out of town. Some mornings he rushed to leave for work. He used to work late in the evenings even when I would ask him to come home early at least once a week. I think he realized I was getting suspicious, so he stopped some of the behavior . I was starting to think I had imagined everything recently.

I would love to hear from other cheaters the details about how they managed their affairs. Afterall, maybe there is a logical explanation to his behavior. Asking for information from DH is impossible because he shuts down the conversation before Ican even ask a question.

HUGE red flag.

Anonymous wrote:To the Cheater who offered to answer questions..... how much does it cost to have an affair and how/when did you meet with AP? Suspect my spouse had one because of money he spent but couldn't/wouldn't tell me on what. I really want to get some idea of how much an affair would cost

Anonymous wrote:So, what is the range of money needed to carry out an affair? Would a couple of hundred dollars a month be enough? just trying to figure out what my husband has been spending money on. He can't/won't tell me. He didn't come home with anything. He puts meals, coffee, etc on the credit cards.

The first time he did this he was also moody and distant. He was less interested in sex. He asked when I was going to go out of town. Some mornings he rushed to leave for work. He used to work late in the evenings even when I would ask him to come home early at least once a week. I think he realized I was getting suspicious, so he stopped some of the behavior . I was starting to think I had imagined everything recently.

I would love to hear from other cheaters the details about how they managed their affairs. Afterall, maybe there is a logical explanation to his behavior. Asking for information from DH is impossible because he shuts down the conversation before Ican even ask a question.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was the only question I had about Mr. Perfect Cheater. Not how - WHY? Cheaters want something. I think sometimes what cheaters want is understandable (physical intimacy). Other times it is unreasonable (an endless need for validation). In both cases, it is in the partner's best interest to identify the need, whether he/she is able and willing to meet it or not.

He had a f@cked up childhood—very bad. Dad a bad alcoholic. Dad blatantly cheated, gave mom STDS. Then, abandoned the family. He recounts awful fights in the house. He then had to visit dad when random whores were there and he would be planted in front if tv with his brother while dad and white were in back room. Dad ended up homeless at 69 and died alone. Husband was called to hospital and saw him in final days.

Mom checked out. Younger brother was a disaster after all of this so any bandwidth she had left was with him. He slept in her bed—still to this day younger brother is a mess and mom invests everything in him- wife left him and 2 kids and he since has two illegitimate kids with different women. Mom is very cold. She is a nice person, but emotionally unavailable, never talked about past or got the kids counseling when they were young.

At one time in HS, mom moved boyfriend in for a few years. His kids were there at times. This was a small home.

Husband got by with being a perfectionist. Very smart. Valedictorian. Top University. Then very successful, eventually own business. Very good looking and charismatic. Good father.

Very good relationship. Great father, great husband, spent all time with my family and loved seeing a “normal family”. Great sex life. Lots of love.

Compartmentalization was learned as a kid. When affair came to light he continued the therapy he put himself in 6 months prior when he was trying to end it—woman started to talk about leaving her spouse. He spiraled down hard. New psychiatrist had him tested and he was diagnosed a Clinical Narcissist w/ Histrionic Personality disorder. From childhood trauma.

So- it was not me or our relationship. It was his trauma.

75% of men with fathers that cheat go on to do it. Trauma is multigenerational.

Midlife childhood demons came out. I only knew about a 1/3 of them. He rarely talked about childhood and repressed a lot.

My husband also has childhood trauma that came to light in mid life. Took me a long time to I’d understand as his personality changed like a light switch.

Yes. Everyone- friends, neighbors, family are absolutely shocked because no warning signs and so out of character. He’s the guy that helps everyone.

Did your husband get treatment? Did you stay with him? If so, how is it going?

Oh yes it rocked everyone’s perception of him, having known him for 20 years or so. We are still together and both seeking therapy. I don’t know if it will work. He’s changed. Not the person I married. It’s actually hard to fathom sometimes. I have a lot of grief about the person I once knew.

Anonymous wrote:So- pp the “why” was an intense need for validation/admiration that one person couldn’t provide. The narcissistic side feels entitled to do anything and the AP provides an hour or two a month of compliments and fantasy. He can check out from his brain and she can feed the ego in this fantasy world. In his case, he picked somebody old (she is turning 50 soon), somebody he did not have respect for (no career) or could ever see himself with. This is common my therapist said. He said very soon she showed a bitchy side. She sounds BPD and it was her 2nd or 3rd affair. She trashed her spouse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was the only question I had about Mr. Perfect Cheater. Not how - WHY? Cheaters want something. I think sometimes what cheaters want is understandable (physical intimacy). Other times it is unreasonable (an endless need for validation). In both cases, it is in the partner's best interest to identify the need, whether he/she is able and willing to meet it or not.

He had a f@cked up childhood—very bad. Dad a bad alcoholic. Dad blatantly cheated, gave mom STDS. Then, abandoned the family. He recounts awful fights in the house. He then had to visit dad when random whores were there and he would be planted in front if tv with his brother while dad and white were in back room. Dad ended up homeless at 69 and died alone. Husband was called to hospital and saw him in final days.

Mom checked out. Younger brother was a disaster after all of this so any bandwidth she had left was with him. He slept in her bed—still to this day younger brother is a mess and mom invests everything in him- wife left him and 2 kids and he since has two illegitimate kids with different women. Mom is very cold. She is a nice person, but emotionally unavailable, never talked about past or got the kids counseling when they were young.

At one time in HS, mom moved boyfriend in for a few years. His kids were there at times. This was a small home.

Husband got by with being a perfectionist. Very smart. Valedictorian. Top University. Then very successful, eventually own business. Very good looking and charismatic. Good father.

Very good relationship. Great father, great husband, spent all time with my family and loved seeing a “normal family”. Great sex life. Lots of love.

Compartmentalization was learned as a kid. When affair came to light he continued the therapy he put himself in 6 months prior when he was trying to end it—woman started to talk about leaving her spouse. He spiraled down hard. New psychiatrist had him tested and he was diagnosed a Clinical Narcissist w/ Histrionic Personality disorder. From childhood trauma.

So- it was not me or our relationship. It was his trauma.

75% of men with fathers that cheat go on to do it. Trauma is multigenerational.

Midlife childhood demons came out. I only knew about a 1/3 of them. He rarely talked about childhood and repressed a lot.

My husband also has childhood trauma that came to light in mid life. Took me a long time to I’d understand as his personality changed like a light switch.

Yes. Everyone- friends, neighbors, family are absolutely shocked because no warning signs and so out of character. He’s the guy that helps everyone.

Did your husband get treatment? Did you stay with him? If so, how is it going?

Oh yes it rocked everyone’s perception of him, having known him for 20 years or so. We are still together and both seeking therapy. I don’t know if it will work. He’s changed. Not the person I married. It’s actually hard to fathom sometimes. I have a lot of grief about the person I once knew.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was the only question I had about Mr. Perfect Cheater. Not how - WHY? Cheaters want something. I think sometimes what cheaters want is understandable (physical intimacy). Other times it is unreasonable (an endless need for validation). In both cases, it is in the partner's best interest to identify the need, whether he/she is able and willing to meet it or not.

He had a f@cked up childhood—very bad. Dad a bad alcoholic. Dad blatantly cheated, gave mom STDS. Then, abandoned the family. He recounts awful fights in the house. He then had to visit dad when random whores were there and he would be planted in front if tv with his brother while dad and white were in back room. Dad ended up homeless at 69 and died alone. Husband was called to hospital and saw him in final days.

Mom checked out. Younger brother was a disaster after all of this so any bandwidth she had left was with him. He slept in her bed—still to this day younger brother is a mess and mom invests everything in him- wife left him and 2 kids and he since has two illegitimate kids with different women. Mom is very cold. She is a nice person, but emotionally unavailable, never talked about past or got the kids counseling when they were young.

At one time in HS, mom moved boyfriend in for a few years. His kids were there at times. This was a small home.

Husband got by with being a perfectionist. Very smart. Valedictorian. Top University. Then very successful, eventually own business. Very good looking and charismatic. Good father.

Very good relationship. Great father, great husband, spent all time with my family and loved seeing a “normal family”. Great sex life. Lots of love.

Compartmentalization was learned as a kid. When affair came to light he continued the therapy he put himself in 6 months prior when he was trying to end it—woman started to talk about leaving her spouse. He spiraled down hard. New psychiatrist had him tested and he was diagnosed a Clinical Narcissist w/ Histrionic Personality disorder. From childhood trauma.

So- it was not me or our relationship. It was his trauma.

75% of men with fathers that cheat go on to do it. Trauma is multigenerational.

Midlife childhood demons came out. I only knew about a 1/3 of them. He rarely talked about childhood and repressed a lot.

My husband also has childhood trauma that came to light in mid life. Took me a long time to I’d understand as his personality changed like a light switch.

Yes. Everyone- friends, neighbors, family are absolutely shocked because no warning signs and so out of character. He’s the guy that helps everyone.

Did your husband get treatment? Did you stay with him? If so, how is it going?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nowadays it’s all about the phone. They won’t let their phone out of sight or you somehow figure out they have a second phone.

Just not true. If you rely on this as a clue you will be shocked. It’s not 1997. The Internet whores use Skype to set up meetings with zero phone trace. Communication may be a burner fake email account- but they tend to use things like Skype which leave zero trace.

Anonymous wrote:Nowadays it’s all about the phone. They won’t let their phone out of sight or you somehow figure out they have a second phone.

Anonymous wrote:To the Cheater who offered to answer questions..... how much does it cost to have an affair and how/when did you meet with AP? Suspect my spouse had one because of money he spent but couldn't/wouldn't tell me on what. I really want to get some idea of how much an affair would cost

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was the only question I had about Mr. Perfect Cheater. Not how - WHY? Cheaters want something. I think sometimes what cheaters want is understandable (physical intimacy). Other times it is unreasonable (an endless need for validation). In both cases, it is in the partner's best interest to identify the need, whether he/she is able and willing to meet it or not.

He had a f@cked up childhood—very bad. Dad a bad alcoholic. Dad blatantly cheated, gave mom STDS. Then, abandoned the family. He recounts awful fights in the house. He then had to visit dad when random whores were there and he would be planted in front if tv with his brother while dad and white were in back room. Dad ended up homeless at 69 and died alone. Husband was called to hospital and saw him in final days.

Mom checked out. Younger brother was a disaster after all of this so any bandwidth she had left was with him. He slept in her bed—still to this day younger brother is a mess and mom invests everything in him- wife left him and 2 kids and he since has two illegitimate kids with different women. Mom is very cold. She is a nice person, but emotionally unavailable, never talked about past or got the kids counseling when they were young.

At one time in HS, mom moved boyfriend in for a few years. His kids were there at times. This was a small home.

Husband got by with being a perfectionist. Very smart. Valedictorian. Top University. Then very successful, eventually own business. Very good looking and charismatic. Good father.

Very good relationship. Great father, great husband, spent all time with my family and loved seeing a “normal family”. Great sex life. Lots of love.

Compartmentalization was learned as a kid. When affair came to light he continued the therapy he put himself in 6 months prior when he was trying to end it—woman started to talk about leaving her spouse. He spiraled down hard. New psychiatrist had him tested and he was diagnosed a Clinical Narcissist w/ Histrionic Personality disorder. From childhood trauma.

So- it was not me or our relationship. It was his trauma.

75% of men with fathers that cheat go on to do it. Trauma is multigenerational.

Midlife childhood demons came out. I only knew about a 1/3 of them. He rarely talked about childhood and repressed a lot.

My husband also has childhood trauma that came to light in mid life. Took me a long time to I’d understand as his personality changed like a light switch.