Reply to Can someone explain the mindset of someone who gets cheated on and stays?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]How can someone watch their significant other burn down their relationship for a fling or affair with a new person and...be ok with it and stay?

What goes through their mind?[/quote]

I think it's tricky.

I think a lot of cheaters are narcissists and use gaslighting over the years and it becomes almost like emotional abuse so that their spouse loses confidence or becomes depressed. They can be manipulative and charming and when caught act genuinely upset and tell all kinds of lies and have a 'honeymoon phase'.  They beg, they cry, they swear it will never happen again and it was not love.  It was a big mistake and they are so, so, so, so sorry.  They do therapy and show that they are serious.  Some times they are, sometimes they aren't and they do it again. 
Now- it's the second time that would be a deal breaker for good.

I think some women without their own financial income are worried about losing a lifestyle.  They don't want to lose $.

Then, some do not want to have to give up some holidays and weekends with their kids.  They feel like they have more control over their children than what a partner's future partner's/boyfriends/girlfriends could inflict.

[/quote]

+1. I think my husband has cheated. I'm not sure, but I don't really care. We haven't had sex in several years and our relationship is just sharing the workload at this point. What I do care about is that he's been an emotionally abusive gas-lighter. I don't agree when people say that being cheated on is the worst thing that could possibly happen. Obviously their relationships are much better than mine. The cheating is the least of it from my perspective.

So right now I need to figure what I'm going to do. I have a serious, deteriorating health condition and I'm very afraid for my employment future. Husband isn't a high earner.  I've stayed thus far because I don't want to lose being with my kids every day. It would be very difficult to take care of the young ones on my own every day without a break and I'm afraid to split custody with him. I'm very concerned about my husband's ability to care for them when it's his turn. He doesn't have good judgment or patience. I have to step in even when I can barely walk because he yells and acts like a jerk. I'm also terrified of what type of person he might start dating or marry. His own mom was an evil stepmother to his dad's first child from a previous marriage, and he's so selfish that I think all he would care about is how new gf/wife treats him not his existing kids just like his dad did. Also, I couldn't afford to live in the good school district with a not too horrible commute on just what I earn. The kids are doing so well now since we moved here, and they weren't in their previous schools.

So I guess the reason that I'm still here is a combo of fear of not having kids full time, fear of handing them over to husband to parent solo for any period of time, and finances. Once the kids are grown and independent, I plan to divorce. Once it's just myself then I can live in a small, inexpensive place in a bad school district. Not all of us are staying for the expensive wardrobe or lavish vacations. I don't have that now.

I'm trying my best to make it a pleasant environment for the kids. Still, I know it's not a great environment and I'm trying to figure out the least of the evils here. Just one perspective here. Good luck to everyone else trying to find their way.[/quote]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, PP.[/quote]

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