Reply to Can someone explain the mindset of someone who gets cheated on and stays?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
I think the abusive aspect of cheating is under-recognized.  I went to a therapist after the cheating.  The therapist did not see or validate the abuse.  [b]I think people really underestimate the societal pressure to stay together.[/b]  All the “self-help” at the time focused on finding out what was wrong in the marriage that caused the affair.  This is a blame-the-victim approach.  Infidelity also very much follows the cycle of domestic abuse - tension, release, making up period, etc.

It wasn’t until I read a copy of The Battered Woman by Lenore Walker (a classic on physical domestic abuse) that I recognized the similarities.  Now some in the counseling industry recognize repeated infidelity can cause complex PTSD in the victim spouse.

In my case, I did not leave immediately because I had very little kids, and I was in grad school. DH also told lies about the context of the cheating that were very believable and it took me a significant period of time to unravel what was really happening.  Once I knew, I needed time to plan for my stability. As I did that it became clear that then DH was not only cheating but mentally unwell and drinking and using prescription drugs inappropriately.  So, I took more time to exit in a way that I could have full physical custody. From the outside it looks like I “stayed” after the cheating, but most of that “staying” time was unravelling the real facts about what was going on and plotting my escape.

It’s always interesting to me how many people want to look at that time and pathologize me as “insecure” or “depressed”.  The truth is that the cultural, economic and legal aspects of society are currently constructed to keep women and their kids together with men regardless of the quality of that relationship - intact family units are prized above all else.  That makes it very difficult to get out. [/quote]

It's funny that you should say that because I feel the opposite. I stayed with my husband after his adultery come to light. I now regret sharing this information with my friends in my initially disoriented state because there is a strong cultural imperative to leave the cheater, and by extension there is judgment visited on women who do stay.  They are branded insecure, not totally loving themselves, lacking in self respect, coming from unstable families and who knows what else.  You can see it clearly coming across DCUM commentary on these threads.  The unspoken rule seems to be that infidelity needs to be unforgivable, and if you forgive it or learn to live with this experience, then you yourself must be broken or deficient in some way.  There is no allowance for the reality that staying may be a rational, unforced choice.   And this pressure is as unforgiving as any other.

Since I've gone through that, I now advise any friend who is dealing with this to be really cautious in how they share this information and with whom. Tell a couple of trusted friends, tell your sister but hold off on everything else. It is easy to overshare in the beginning.  I tell them that whatever they decide needs to be their choice, without regard to "what will my friends now think of me". [/quote]

100% agree.  When my XW and I first separated, I told 3 people - my parents and my brother.  I was silent for the next year even though my ex and I no longer lived together.  After a certain point I told my best friend.  It wasn't until I knew I was headed for divorce that I told a few other people.  I NEVER got into the gory details - only the high level.  But, I didn't have to - enough people were around my ex and AP that knew what the deal was and the rumors just spread.  Not much I could do about that.

All that said, I think there's a balance b/w what you can share and what you shouldn't.  I don't support to keep everything bottled up indefinitely.  Only you know when is the right time to share more info.  Sadly, for me, rumors spread so much that I'm sure my kids will eventually find out.[/quote]

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