Reply to Can someone explain the mindset of someone who gets cheated on and stays?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Can someone explain the mindset of someone who gets cheated on and stays?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]How can someone watch their significant other burn down their relationship for a fling or affair with a new person and...be ok with it and stay?

What goes through their mind?[/quote]

I think it's tricky.

I think a lot of cheaters are narcissists and use gaslighting over the years and it becomes almost like emotional abuse so that their spouse loses confidence or becomes depressed. They can be manipulative and charming and when caught act genuinely upset and tell all kinds of lies and have a 'honeymoon phase'.  They beg, they cry, they swear it will never happen again and it was not love.  It was a big mistake and they are so, so, so, so sorry.  They do therapy and show that they are serious.  Some times they are, sometimes they aren't and they do it again. 
Now- it's the second time that would be a deal breaker for good.

I think some women without their own financial income are worried about losing a lifestyle.  They don't want to lose $.

Then, some do not want to have to give up some holidays and weekends with their kids.  They feel like they have more control over their children than what a partner's future partner's/boyfriends/girlfriends could inflict.

[/quote]

I think the abusive aspect of cheating is under-recognized.  I went to a therapist after the cheating.  The therapist did not see or validate the abuse.  I think people really underestimate the societal pressure to stay together.  All the “self-help” at the time focused on finding out what was wrong in the marriage that caused the affair.  This is a blame-the-victim approach.  Infidelity also very much follows the cycle of domestic abuse - tension, release, making up period, etc.

It wasn’t until I read a copy of The Battered Woman by Lenore Walker (a classic on physical domestic abuse) that I recognized the similarities.  Now some in the counseling industry recognize repeated infidelity can cause complex PTSD in the victim spouse.

In my case, I did not leave immediately because I had very little kids, and I was in grad school. DH also told lies about the context of the cheating that were very believable and it took me a significant period of time to unravel what was really happening.  Once I knew, I needed time to plan for my stability. As I did that it became clear that then DH was not only cheating but mentally unwell and drinking and using prescription drugs inappropriately.  So, I took more time to exit in a way that I could have full physical custody. From the outside it looks like I “stayed” after the cheating, but most of that “staying” time was unravelling the real facts about what was going on and plotting my escape.

It’s always interesting to me how many people want to look at that time and pathologize me as “insecure” or “depressed”.  The truth is that the cultural, economic and legal aspects of society are currently constructed to keep women and their kids together with men regardless of the quality of that relationship - intact family units are prized above all else.  That makes it very difficult to get out. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics