Reply to Therapist Won't Condemn my Partner's Affair.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Sorry if I wasn't clear. My partner had an affair. I only discovered because I saw their texts. We decided to try counseling. Partner has yet to apologize or admit they were wrong.

On first visit, the therapist said they were not in a position to make judgement on whether the affair was wrong.

I need there to be an admission and recognition of wrongdoing in order to proceed toward forgiveness.

I was raised that you apologize when you're wrong.[/quote]
Are you saying that your partner must admit and recognize wrongdoing? Because that is part of the purpose of the therapy. You are putting the cart before the horse. And, most likely, your partner feels that there are things for which you must apologize, admit and recognize as wrongdoing also.

Or are you saying the therapist must recognize the wrongdoing for you to proceed? Because that is what your title says, but it seems to be focused on the wrong person.

Maybe you should try individual counseling first. It is not wrong, by the way, to decide that you will not forgive. Or, to forgive, but not stay in the relationship. [/quote]

It’s also not wrong to feel that an affair is always wrong and unjustifiable and expect an acceptance of responsibility (which includes being able to explain why it happened without blaming the other partner), apology, amends, affair partner cut-off, and accountability (i.e. a plan moving forward to prevent similar occurrences and protect the victim partner).

OP, you should not be working with a couples therapist until you have found an individual therapist to work with. You need to process your feelings and future requests with an individual therapist who has solely your best interests at heart.  A couples therapist often has the best interests of continuing the relationship regardless as to whether that is in the best interests of either individual.

OP, your individual therapist should be skilled in abusive relationships. Infidelity is a form of emotional abuse. It typically involves blame-casting, history re-writing, demonization, lying, gaslighting, and manipulation.

Finally, for online support go to chumplady.com[/quote]

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