The therapist isn’t there to condemn or take sides, but surely they should empathize with what OP is (very understandably) feeling so that OP feels heard and understood? A skilled therapist can find that balance and it sounds like this one is missing the mark.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry if I wasn't clear. My partner had an affair. I only discovered because I saw their texts. We decided to try counseling. Partner has yet to apologize or admit they were wrong.

On first visit, the therapist said they were not in a position to make judgement on whether the affair was wrong.

I need there to be an admission and recognition of wrongdoing in order to proceed toward forgiveness.

I was raised that you apologize when you're wrong.

Are you saying that your partner must admit and recognize wrongdoing? Because that is part of the purpose of the therapy. You are putting the cart before the horse. And, most likely, your partner feels that there are things for which you must apologize, admit and recognize as wrongdoing also.

Or are you saying the therapist must recognize the wrongdoing for you to proceed? Because that is what your title says, but it seems to be focused on the wrong person.

Maybe you should try individual counseling first. It is not wrong, by the way, to decide that you will not forgive. Or, to forgive, but not stay in the relationship.

It’s also not wrong to feel that an affair is always wrong and unjustifiable and expect an acceptance of responsibility (which includes being able to explain why it happened without blaming the other partner), apology, amends, affair partner cut-off, and accountability (i.e. a plan moving forward to prevent similar occurrences and protect the victim partner).

OP, you should not be working with a couples therapist until you have found an individual therapist to work with. You need to process your feelings and future requests with an individual therapist who has solely your best interests at heart. A couples therapist often has the best interests of continuing the relationship regardless as to whether that is in the best interests of either individual.

OP, your individual therapist should be skilled in abusive relationships. Infidelity is a form of emotional abuse. It typically involves blame-casting, history re-writing, demonization, lying, gaslighting, and manipulation.

Finally, for online support go to chumplady.com

Anonymous wrote:Just get divorced already. You won't get anything out of therapy, because you just want to be right.

OP is right. Partner was wrong. What's your point?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapists don’t “condemn” behavior. That’s not their job.

This is true.

But, OP, I sympathize, and I went through something similar with DH and therapy. The therapist is making sure she doesn’t “choose sides” and she’s teaching you both to work this out on your own (with her guidance).

In my case I did, after many months, get the admission that what DH did was wrong, and it felt far far more genuine and healing than if the therapist had just asserted from the beginning that his behavior was wrong.

OP, this is really important to think about. Your spouse being forced to admit wrongdoing at this juncture with a therapist is not going to be meaningful, and you won't really feel any better if spouse admits being wrong right now. Your therapist rightly needs to help you and spouse get there and not be the driver of this. This therapist needs to get to know you both a little bit better to help conduct you on the right path for healing your relationship (if that is what you want).

Stay the course and good luck. I know you are likely feeling terribly hurt and betrayed. For someone who has been through this, I know it can get better. Things won't be easy, but you can come out on the other side and still have a loving marriage. My marriage is not perfect, but I know how we got to that place and my DH and I are both committed to not getting there again.

modernity demands moral relativism. There is no absolute right or wrong.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The therapist is there to support you both in communicating your feelings to each other and helping you to address problems in your relationship. That is next to impossible if one of you believes, correctly or incorrectly, that the therapist is taking sides.

If you will not participate in therapy without the therapist being "on your side" and vocally condemning your partner's affair, you are not ready for therapy. An individual therapist may be in order before you are ready for couples work.

I’m not sure I totally agree. There are cases where one party is indeed a victim, and the therapist needs to make space for that truth.

+1. My sister's husband in a black out drunk stage shoved her into a wall.This is the one time in their 22 years together that he ever laid a finger on her. I think everyone can agree that it was wrong.

I am the first PP. The therapist can make space for OP's truth while also allowing OP's partner to have space. Otherwise what is the point of couples therapy?

Totally agree that the therapist needs to be able to validate her feelings as well instead of shutting them down. She needs to feel safe and she definitely isn’t getting that support. The therapist can also start to get the husband to discuss why he’s there, I.e. if he wants to save marriage, he will need to show some kind of remorse/regret. If he doesn’t feel that, explain to the wife what this means and possible next steps.

If you’re not comfortable with this therapist and how he/she addresses your concerns, you should find someone else. I personally think the therapist isn’t doing a good job and would find someone else.

Anonymous wrote:The therapist is not a judge, and their office is not a court of law.

Even if so, a judge or court of law wouldn’t tell her DH that her affair is wrong, either. Frankly, no one cares. I totally get it - it is SO disrespectful to be cheated on and it rocks your whole world. But there is a common theme of expecting all others to condemn or punish the cheater and prove the cheated upon spouse “right,” and that just doesn’t usually happen in most contexts. Even in court, there is very little it can do unless you’re in a very specific situation, and even then it’s just a business transaction for the judge and court.

The problem isn’t the therapist - it’s your husband!

How do you even decide to go to therapy if he didn’t admit the affair was wrong? He didn’t apologize? Isn’t that the prerequisite of going to therapy?

If your husband thinks it’s okay to cheat your marriage is over. I can’t believe you’re entertaining this line of thinking at all!!! WTF?!?

The therapist is not a judge, and their office is not a court of law.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The therapist is there to support you both in communicating your feelings to each other and helping you to address problems in your relationship. That is next to impossible if one of you believes, correctly or incorrectly, that the therapist is taking sides.

If you will not participate in therapy without the therapist being "on your side" and vocally condemning your partner's affair, you are not ready for therapy. An individual therapist may be in order before you are ready for couples work.

I’m not sure I totally agree. There are cases where one party is indeed a victim, and the therapist needs to make space for that truth.

+1. My sister's husband in a black out drunk stage shoved her into a wall.This is the one time in their 22 years together that he ever laid a finger on her. I think everyone can agree that it was wrong.

I am the first PP. The therapist can make space for OP's truth while also allowing OP's partner to have space. Otherwise what is the point of couples therapy?

That's pretty much exactly what OP says the therapist said. The therapist isn't a judge; the therapist is there to give both sides space to speak their truths. OP, heard, "I'm not here to judge right and wrong" and interpretted it as, "I'm judging that what he did isn't wrong." That is not what the therapist said.

Anonymous wrote:BTW, depending on how you saw the texts, they are probably not admissible in court and you could be at risk for criminal wiretapping charges.

There is no need to prove an affair in court.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The therapist is there to support you both in communicating your feelings to each other and helping you to address problems in your relationship. That is next to impossible if one of you believes, correctly or incorrectly, that the therapist is taking sides.

If you will not participate in therapy without the therapist being "on your side" and vocally condemning your partner's affair, you are not ready for therapy. An individual therapist may be in order before you are ready for couples work.

I’m not sure I totally agree. There are cases where one party is indeed a victim, and the therapist needs to make space for that truth.

+1. My sister's husband in a black out drunk stage shoved her into a wall.This is the one time in their 22 years together that he ever laid a finger on her. I think everyone can agree that it was wrong.

I am the first PP. The therapist can make space for OP's truth while also allowing OP's partner to have space. Otherwise what is the point of couples therapy?

Anonymous wrote:BTW, depending on how you saw the texts, they are probably not admissible in court and you could be at risk for criminal wiretapping charges.

NP here - gimme a break and STFU

Anonymous wrote:Sorry if I wasn't clear. My partner had an affair. I only discovered because I saw their texts. We decided to try counseling. Partner has yet to apologize or admit they were wrong.

On first visit, the therapist said they were not in a position to make judgement on whether the affair was wrong.

I need there to be an admission and recognition of wrongdoing in order to proceed toward forgiveness.

I was raised that you apologize when you're wrong.

No, you were clear. But you don't need the therapist to say your husband was wrong. You shouldn't expect it, and I think the therapist was right not to provide it. Why are you going to therapy? To get an apology from your husband? Admission from your husband that his behavior was wrong? To move forward in your marriage? In any way is the therapist's statement that your husband was wrong going to get you to those points? No. Your husband needs to apologize and feel bad for what he did.

You need an admission and recognition of wrongdoing to proceed toward forgiveness ... since you have nothing to forgive the therapist for, then I don't think he/she needs to tell you there was wrongdoing.

I do think you might benefit from some individual counseling, though. And lean on your friends to tell you that your husband is a dirty rat bastard. Not your therapist. No way having a biased therapist is going to help your husband come to the conclusion that he made a mistake. Your husband has to do that on his own. You guys ganging up on him to tell him he's wrong isn't productive.

OP please get your own therapist. You need to talk through your anger over your spouse not acknowledging that the affair was wrong. Your couples' therapist can't take sides and you need someone working with you to deal with your own feelings. You need the space to rage and feel heard. You can't do this in couples' therapy without alienating your partner (who, by the way, doesn't seem to feel remorse anyway).

Also, see a lawyer. Your spouse may be playing along with therapy to appease you while quietly planning an exit strategy. Don't be played for a fool twice.