Anonymous wrote:Just tell her that they should live together for a while before getting married.
If he is really "the love of her life" now, he still will be in five years.
Tell her that no one should get married before 25 at least because so much happens in those early 20s years.
She may decide to go back to school, move to another state or country, or any number of life changing scenarios. She needs to work on herself while she can.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Please say something!

I married my husband with severe ADHD (and perhaps Asperger's). At the time we didn't know he was afflicted with these things, and he was relatively functional with terminal degrees. He has a high IQ and this masked many of his issues for a long time.

The problem is that with the addition of more responsibilities (children, mortgage, house maintenance, health issues), he has been consistently under-employed or frequently unemployed, even though there are jobs in his field. He cannot multitask, finish by the deadline, he continually forgets items and gets angry if any of these things are pointed out. Despite a diagnosis, he refuses meds. He has become very stubborn and is occasionally abusive, irrational and hyper-controlling. One of our children has severe ADHD as well and it significantly impacts his education and daily life.

Please do your research on ADHD, and present them to your sister. She cannot "save" or "change" him, especially if he refuses to medicate himself or change his behaviors. And more importantly, he will just get WORSE as they try to build a life together, because he will not be able to manage the burden of a household.

Have her read my post. I am deadly serious. No wedding for now, and for goodness' sake, no children!

This is spot on. OP, you need to decide whether it's better to risk harming your relationship with your sister by saying something vs. not saying something. There's a risk either way and only you know your relationship with her.

My husband and I both have ADHD, but my husband frequently refuses to get on board with the systems I try to put in place so our lives with our three children (2 with SN including ADHD) can function. We both have decent jobs though so that enables us to spend money on a weekly cleaning service and other supports. But without very consistent processes (key to helping ADHD kids function), the whole family falls apart. Parenting kids with ADHD, a hereditary disease, is a serious part-time job to learn about it at each phase, determine supports by trial and error, and advocate for your kids. I can only imagine the seething resentment your sister will one day feel if they have kids and now she's stretched between being the bread winner, doing the bulk of parenting for kids (who might have ADHD), and also caring for her husband who refuses to grow up.

This guy sounds like a bad bet. If he can't hold down a regular job, then he won't be a good stay at home parent. It takes discipline and multi-tasking to do it right if you don't also have lots of extra cash for nannies, house cleaners, etc. How would she feel if she comes home from work where she's already stressed because she's the only earner, and the house is a mess, the kids weren't fed nutritious meals, dinner isn't made, and homework isn't done? So now she has another part-time job when she gets home while her husband's only accomplishment was taking the kids to the park and oh he bought some expensive gadget for himself so now they can't afford gymnastics and snow boots for the kids.

The biggest issue I see with her fiance is his refusal to get help. BTW ADHD can sometimes be only part of the diagnosis, and it sounds like maybe something else is going on here with the impulse purchases and others supporting his living expenses. It's likely no accident that he dates a younger co-ed rather than a mature woman who would see right through him.

If it was me, I would want someone to say something once FWIW. Good luck and I'm so sorry for this situation.

You put into words all of my thought better than I could. And yes I do think there may be something else going on with him other than ADHD. I am going to do my best to be supportive but nudge her to delay having children several yrs- and either he will mature into a good husband by that time or she will realize herself she made a mistake and have a less complicated easier out.

Anonymous wrote:

I don't consider trying to nudge her toward waiting until her fiancé is graduated and producing and income selfish and ruining her life. It is smart planning.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Please say something!

I married my husband with severe ADHD (and perhaps Asperger's). At the time we didn't know he was afflicted with these things, and he was relatively functional with terminal degrees. He has a high IQ and this masked many of his issues for a long time.

The problem is that with the addition of more responsibilities (children, mortgage, house maintenance, health issues), he has been consistently under-employed or frequently unemployed, even though there are jobs in his field. He cannot multitask, finish by the deadline, he continually forgets items and gets angry if any of these things are pointed out. Despite a diagnosis, he refuses meds. He has become very stubborn and is occasionally abusive, irrational and hyper-controlling. One of our children has severe ADHD as well and it significantly impacts his education and daily life.

Please do your research on ADHD, and present them to your sister. She cannot "save" or "change" him, especially if he refuses to medicate himself or change his behaviors. And more importantly, he will just get WORSE as they try to build a life together, because he will not be able to manage the burden of a household.

Have her read my post. I am deadly serious. No wedding for now, and for goodness' sake, no children!

This is spot on. OP, you need to decide whether it's better to risk harming your relationship with your sister by saying something vs. not saying something. There's a risk either way and only you know your relationship with her.

My husband and I both have ADHD, but my husband frequently refuses to get on board with the systems I try to put in place so our lives with our three children (2 with SN including ADHD) can function. We both have decent jobs though so that enables us to spend money on a weekly cleaning service and other supports. But without very consistent processes (key to helping ADHD kids function), the whole family falls apart. Parenting kids with ADHD, a hereditary disease, is a serious part-time job to learn about it at each phase, determine supports by trial and error, and advocate for your kids. I can only imagine the seething resentment your sister will one day feel if they have kids and now she's stretched between being the bread winner, doing the bulk of parenting for kids (who might have ADHD), and also caring for her husband who refuses to grow up.

This guy sounds like a bad bet. If he can't hold down a regular job, then he won't be a good stay at home parent. It takes discipline and multi-tasking to do it right if you don't also have lots of extra cash for nannies, house cleaners, etc. How would she feel if she comes home from work where she's already stressed because she's the only earner, and the house is a mess, the kids weren't fed nutritious meals, dinner isn't made, and homework isn't done? So now she has another part-time job when she gets home while her husband's only accomplishment was taking the kids to the park and oh he bought some expensive gadget for himself so now they can't afford gymnastics and snow boots for the kids.

The biggest issue I see with her fiance is his refusal to get help. BTW ADHD can sometimes be only part of the diagnosis, and it sounds like maybe something else is going on here with the impulse purchases and others supporting his living expenses. It's likely no accident that he dates a younger co-ed rather than a mature woman who would see right through him.

If it was me, I would want someone to say something once FWIW. Good luck and I'm so sorry for this situation.

Anonymous wrote:MYOB. My mother's advice to me was always, "never tell me negative things about your spouse because I will hate him forever after you've made up and gotten over it"

Your situation is a little different, but the message is the same. Family members shouldn't talk badly about a family member's spouse / fiance. Because it will be forever awkward at holiday parties and family celebrations for her to know that you think he's a flake.

The advice (if it comes at all) should come from a close friend, not meddling family.

Anonymous wrote:Don't say anything, it never goes well.

Anonymous wrote:
Please say something!

I married my husband with severe ADHD (and perhaps Asperger's). At the time we didn't know he was afflicted with these things, and he was relatively functional with terminal degrees. He has a high IQ and this masked many of his issues for a long time.

The problem is that with the addition of more responsibilities (children, mortgage, house maintenance, health issues), he has been consistently under-employed or frequently unemployed, even though there are jobs in his field. He cannot multitask, finish by the deadline, he continually forgets items and gets angry if any of these things are pointed out. Despite a diagnosis, he refuses meds. He has become very stubborn and is occasionally abusive, irrational and hyper-controlling. One of our children has severe ADHD as well and it significantly impacts his education and daily life.

Please do your research on ADHD, and present them to your sister. She cannot "save" or "change" him, especially if he refuses to medicate himself or change his behaviors. And more importantly, he will just get WORSE as they try to build a life together, because he will not be able to manage the burden of a household.

Have her read my post. I am deadly serious. No wedding for now, and for goodness' sake, no children!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can say something, as a big sister, but then you have to give her your full support once she declines to take your advice. Say your piece, once, then let it go. If it's a mistake, it's her mistake and it's a mistake from which many people recover.

Agree with this. If she goes ahead and gets a divorce by 25 she will be amongst many peers. Plenty of mulligan marriages at this age. She just need to lock down the birth control and not have kids. THAT is what will tie her to this guy forever. 90 percent of the people I know who married around that age were divorced by 25. No kids and few assets? Not that much different than any other longer term relationship that dissolves, other people just didn't make it official.

Anonymous wrote:You can say something, as a big sister, but then you have to give her your full support once she declines to take your advice. Say your piece, once, then let it go. If it's a mistake, it's her mistake and it's a mistake from which many people recover.