Reply to My parents' behavior in public embarrasses me (yes, I'm an adult)

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So, you have them babysitting?  Are they doing other things for you too?  Can’t really have boundaries with people you are beholden to.

Also, can’t have boundaries when you act like a doormat.  Just tell them they aren’t invited anymore because they insult other kids and that’s not acceptable.  Stop being so frightened of the fallout.[/quote]

OP here. We give them first right of refusal and have babysitters that we use as well. They babysit maybe once every few months and have always said yes when we ask. They will often ask to take the kids for a night. It’s only when I start pushing back on their behavior that they start with the “we don’t always have to be available when you ask us to babysit...” to which I reply “You in no way have to be. If it inconveniences you in any way then feel free to say no and we have a babysitter ready to go.”

I don’t know why I’m so frightened of the fallout. I think it’s because [b]I have to hear about how they are selfless and would do anything for their kids and grandkids and I’m just an ungrateful selfish brat[/b] (yes, we’ve gone down that road before). They are incapable of reflecting on their own behavior to see that it’s inappropriate. They see it as just me picking on them for no reason.

I guess I need to revisit this topic in therapy because clearly I’m not handling it the way I should be. [/quote]

“Wow mom and Dad, that is exactly the type of rude comment I’m talking about. This conversation is over, we can try again another time.”

Then you hang up or leave. You don’t have to sit there and let your parents call you names. You’re a grown up, you can leave, you don’t live in their house. Also, in your conversations, remember the person to give an ultimatum loses. Don’t box yourself in. The best approach is to end the conversation and try again later. Yes, just like toddlers.

[/quote]

YES this exactly. OP, you do NOT "have to hear" them say mean nonsense to you. AND, there is no way to make them change their behavior or respect your boundaries--YOU have to change how you behave. So when they say "we're so selfless, you're terrible, maybe we won't babysit anymore" you tell them calmly that you are not going to listen to them say rude things to you and then, when they don't stop (because they won't!), end the conversation.

You will probably have to practice this with your therapist or a friend or something before you can actually bring yourself to do it, because clearly you've been programmed your whole life to think you have to listen to their abuse. You dont! You will be doing your own kids a huge favor if you learn this now and teach them by example to stand up for themselves. [/quote]

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