My parents, more specifically my mom, are the same. They don’t say offensive things, but have a way of just being too physically close, needing to be in every conversation, and generally making it really awkward and difficult for my husband and I to make friends with our kids’ friends’ parents. Of course they are retired and local and I am their only child - these are their only grandchildren. My mom was hurt when she wasn’t invited to my bachelorette party - it was lunch at a winery with my 3 best friends. When they still lived in the place where I grew up, I would invite friends over to visit when I was in town and she would sit down and join us the whole time, not just pop in and catch up briefly and then go about her business. Growing up my parents never missed a single sporting event, school event and chaperoned every trip. It is suffocating.

I invite them to about 1/2 of the kids’ events. I also let them do some events on their own - like chaperoning preschool parties and field trips during my work day. My kids are young enough that they love having them there and it gets them involved without interfering with me making adult friends. Our youngest still naps, so another tactic for now is that sometimes they stay home with him while we go to the older kid’s soccer games.

I can’t say anything to them because they aren’t doing anything wrong except bugging me in the same way they have bugged me since I was a teenager. They mean well and they love my kids, so I just try to balance things without hurting anyone.

Just tell them for now they should not come for games. You can meet them afterwards at a restaurant or your house. You are an adult, and your parents need boundaries OP. They are treating you like a kid by not listening to your concern, but this is partially your fault for letting them. Stand from and good. Luck.

Honestly, I think you have to give up socializing with other families. Put out some chairs, away from other people, sit with them for at least half the game, then say, oops, hold on a second,d I Have to ask so and so a question, and then run over to the other moms and socialize for a bit. Eyeroll about having to babysit your parents.

Just work on separating, but still spend time with your parents.

OP, your parents likely are borderline. I know because of the details you reveal. You try to educate them on their behavior but instead, they turn it on YOU. And they gaslight you by telling you that you're an ingrate yada yada yada.. It's obvious that they don't see you or your children as being people with feelings and needing social connections with others i.e. the parents you try to make small talk with and they only can think about themselves. No empathy, no consideration that you are telling the truth about how their remarks are offensive to other people and embarassing you. Someone mentioned upthread that they're just rude and not evil. Maybe not on Nazi-level evil but where do you think evil starts? You don't have to be a murderer to be an awful person and your parents are just plainly awful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, you have them babysitting? Are they doing other things for you too? Can’t really have boundaries with people you are beholden to.

Also, can’t have boundaries when you act like a doormat. Just tell them they aren’t invited anymore because they insult other kids and that’s not acceptable. Stop being so frightened of the fallout.

OP here. We give them first right of refusal and have babysitters that we use as well. They babysit maybe once every few months and have always said yes when we ask. They will often ask to take the kids for a night. It’s only when I start pushing back on their behavior that they start with the “we don’t always have to be available when you ask us to babysit...” to which I reply “You in no way have to be. If it inconveniences you in any way then feel free to say no and we have a babysitter ready to go.”

I don’t know why I’m so frightened of the fallout. I think it’s because I have to hear about how they are selfless and would do anything for their kids and grandkids and I’m just an ungrateful selfish brat (yes, we’ve gone down that road before). They are incapable of reflecting on their own behavior to see that it’s inappropriate. They see it as just me picking on them for no reason.

I guess I need to revisit this topic in therapy because clearly I’m not handling it the way I should be.

“Wow mom and Dad, that is exactly the type of rude comment I’m talking about. This conversation is over, we can try again another time.”

Then you hang up or leave. You don’t have to sit there and let your parents call you names. You’re a grown up, you can leave, you don’t live in their house. Also, in your conversations, remember the person to give an ultimatum loses. Don’t box yourself in. The best approach is to end the conversation and try again later. Yes, just like toddlers.

YES this exactly. OP, you do NOT "have to hear" them say mean nonsense to you. AND, there is no way to make them change their behavior or respect your boundaries--YOU have to change how you behave. So when they say "we're so selfless, you're terrible, maybe we won't babysit anymore" you tell them calmly that you are not going to listen to them say rude things to you and then, when they don't stop (because they won't!), end the conversation.

You will probably have to practice this with your therapist or a friend or something before you can actually bring yourself to do it, because clearly you've been programmed your whole life to think you have to listen to their abuse. You dont! You will be doing your own kids a huge favor if you learn this now and teach them by example to stand up for themselves.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If you don’t do the hard work of standing up for your family, OP, you will keep being bullied. Is this what you want for your kids? Why on earth do you believe kids need a relationship with crazy people???

Drastically limit contact. No more public events with them. No more babysitting, or any other help they provide. You can just be like the rest of us, who get by without local grandparents.

This is what I don’t understand.

Because they are her family. They are embarrassing, not evil.

Talking smack about their grandkids’ teammates is kinda evil.

Nah. Physcially and/or sexually abusing kids is evil. Making boorish comments about kids on a soccer field is rude.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If you don’t do the hard work of standing up for your family, OP, you will keep being bullied. Is this what you want for your kids? Why on earth do you believe kids need a relationship with crazy people???

Drastically limit contact. No more public events with them. No more babysitting, or any other help they provide. You can just be like the rest of us, who get by without local grandparents.

This is what I don’t understand.

Because they are her family. They are embarrassing, not evil.

Talking smack about their grandkids’ teammates is kinda evil.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If you don’t do the hard work of standing up for your family, OP, you will keep being bullied. Is this what you want for your kids? Why on earth do you believe kids need a relationship with crazy people???

Drastically limit contact. No more public events with them. No more babysitting, or any other help they provide. You can just be like the rest of us, who get by without local grandparents.

This is what I don’t understand.

Because they are her family. They are embarrassing, not evil.

Ugh you’ve described my parents. My dad will say terrible stuff and know it’s terrible and not care. My mom is severely tone deaf and doesn’t care. Great combo for taking places. Take this: at my nephews bday, dad says to me in loudish/normal speaking voice “not a tall parent in this crowd full of Jews. Poor kids.” (Were short and Jewish and still obviously a dumb thing to say). My mom will go on and on to people about how everyone should have concierge medical coverage and she can’t imagine living without it. Or how she absolutely depends on her on-call handyman to fix even the smallest things at her house. Yea, I know that I’m lucky in many ways. Could be much much worse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's no fun to have to treat your parents like they're toddlers. I grew up feeling intensely embarrassed by my mom, and yes, still OFTEN feel that way.

Now that my mom is in her 80s, I'm training myself to see her as an elderly, Sometimes addled old woman. Sounds terrible, but in general, I'm pretty tolerant of old folks; may as well extend that to my own mom. (Mind you, she hasn't slowed down much, and is as mentally alert as ever. I'm just pretending that her actions are due to aging so I don't feel so embarrassed all the time).

Why were you embarrassed by your mom pp? What did she do?

When I was a kid, she would call attention to me when I least wanted it. At age 11, we were at a wedding reception. She tried to get me to go out on the dance floor. I didn't want to. She is generally very loud, so many people were looking at us as she cajoled. "Go onnn! Don't be embarrassed!" Then moved on to suggesting I show everyone my tap dancing from dance class, , and turned to someone else at the table and declared "she wants to take dance, but she barely moves!" Describing how shy I was. Meanwhile, I'm telling her no, stop, I don't want to dance...

These things happened ALL THE TIME. Also, she would do things like interrupt me to correct me, for example, at the mall. Clothes shopping, an employee would ask ME "can I help you find something?" I'd say "no, I'm just...," truly wanting to look around. She'd interrupt me "You said you wanted one of those shirts! Why are we here if we're just looking? She wants one of those ugly shirts you girls wear. Tell her, Larla! Larla, what are those shirts called?" And just on and on, so even if I were equipped at age 12 to handle that, I couldn't get a word in edgewise anyway.

She was rude to customer service employees. She did a lot of scoffing and tsking and guffawing.

At school Christmas performances, she'd cheer loudly... But a bit sarcastically. I remember finding them in the crowd after an elementary school play, and the first thing she said was "good thing you only had one line! I couldn't hear you! What was your line? Come on, let us hear it! " All with this jokey attitude; this faux encouraging attitude. Like she was giving me an opportunity to shine, there in the chaos of parents and kids in the school lobby.

It seemed constant to me.

Anonymous wrote:It's no fun to have to treat your parents like they're toddlers. I grew up feeling intensely embarrassed by my mom, and yes, still OFTEN feel that way.

Now that my mom is in her 80s, I'm training myself to see her as an elderly, Sometimes addled old woman. Sounds terrible, but in general, I'm pretty tolerant of old folks; may as well extend that to my own mom. (Mind you, she hasn't slowed down much, and is as mentally alert as ever. I'm just pretending that her actions are due to aging so I don't feel so embarrassed all the time).

Why were you embarrassed by your mom pp? What did she do?

Story of my life. My mom has always been super embarrassing and everyone in our community knows how awkward she is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe talk to the other parents at practice and then stand apart from the crowd at games if you can’t dissuade your parents from coming.

my in-laws are like this too. and we've taken this approach. they are sports fanatics and love, love watching my kids play sports; and my kids enjoy any visit with them. they're in their 80s and not going to change. we rather have them there, just away from others.

I somewhat agree. OP when they come to games can you sit in the outfield or somewhere down the line? I sometimes sit in RF when I’m not in the mood to socialize (and sometimes am doing work, returning emails etc). Then sit in the stands and socialize etc when your parents don’t attend.

You’re missing the point: Op uses these games to socialize with other families. She wants to connect with them. And the parents are coming to every game, whether she likes it or not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe talk to the other parents at practice and then stand apart from the crowd at games if you can’t dissuade your parents from coming.

my in-laws are like this too. and we've taken this approach. they are sports fanatics and love, love watching my kids play sports; and my kids enjoy any visit with them. they're in their 80s and not going to change. we rather have them there, just away from others.

I somewhat agree. OP when they come to games can you sit in the outfield or somewhere down the line? I sometimes sit in RF when I’m not in the mood to socialize (and sometimes am doing work, returning emails etc). Then sit in the stands and socialize etc when your parents don’t attend.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe talk to the other parents at practice and then stand apart from the crowd at games if you can’t dissuade your parents from coming.

my in-laws are like this too. and we've taken this approach. they are sports fanatics and love, love watching my kids play sports; and my kids enjoy any visit with them. they're in their 80s and not going to change. we rather have them there, just away from others.