Reply to Is the concept of a matriarch passe?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think that a matriarch mindset exists whether or not it is articulated as such.

I believe that most conflicts between MILs and DILs are actually battles for matriarchal control of the family culture and values.  [/quote]

Culture and values? Such as what? [/quote]

Family culture:  Parenting practices, breastfeeding, childcare, egalitarian parenting or traditional gender roles, parenting girls vs. boys and how that is done, views re: screen time, how to spend holidays (formal, informal, when to open gifts, what kind of gifts are given), food, music, religion.  The list goes on.

Values:  Private school, public school, religious education and practice, various areas of ethics, political views.[/quote]

Why would a MIL feel she had any say in any of this? Literally none of this is anyone's business but mom and dad. Breastfeeding; are you kidding? [/quote]

My MIL didn't have any say about me breastfeeding, but she had an opinion for sure.  No one in DH's family had done so and my ILs thought it was strange.  More than once, FIL asked me when I was going to "stop doing that."

I've been married for 24 years and MIL still tells me to use paper plates when we have them over for a meal.  I've never in my life used paper plates and don't intend to - I like entertaining with nice china.  MIL is much more bare-boned about these things and their way of doing holidays when DH was going up was much less formal than my family's was.

The ILs also don't understand our choices to forgo TV before our kids were about eight; sending our kids to private liberal arts colleges; me raising our kids as Christian (ILs are Jewish); me working FT (I make much more money than DH does); me not putting egg in potato salad, LOL; spending $$$ on music lessons.  The list goes on.

The family that DH and I have created skews much more to my family of origin's way of doing things than it does to DH's family.  Why?  Because as the mother, I set the tone for our family.  Are there other families who are more influenced by the dad's family of origin?  Probably, but I imagine they are in a minority.

The battle for the matriarchy.[/quote]

It's not a "battle" if you just say no, or shrug, or smile blandly and say "hmm" and keep doing what you want. :)[/quote]

Oh, I agree - I don't go to battle over any of this sort of thing.

My point is that when MIL says e.g., "use paper plates," and i don't (because that's not how I do things), or when I invite the ILs to a child's baptism and they decline because as Jews, they don't want to attend their grandchild's baptism, the effect is that I've established the culture/practices/religion etc. for DH's and my family, as distinct from DH's family of origin.

My theory is that this jockeying for ownership of family culture is the root of MIL/DIL conflicts.[/quote]

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