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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Ok, Gray Rock folks, yeah...I've pretty much been doing that. But I liked reading about it because it does  make a lot of sense. Thanks. I guess there's just sometimes there are these people cannot be avoided,  in times of family crisis, etc., so I will just have to deal. I appreciate your help. Very low point today,  but I feel kind of better.[/quote]

I would ask you to consider the phrase “cannot be avoided“.  Is that really true? Are you putting yourself in a position where you are interacting with this person for their benefit or for the benefit of others? Do you have to be there? It’s OK to remove yourself from this person‘s vicinity for your own mental health, and for the health of your family. Those of the people that you put first, and nobody else. Do not let other people guilt or manipulate you into putting yourself in the path of someone who terrorizes you and your family. I think you’ll be surprised at how much you can avoid this person if you put up boundaries. [/quote]

Well, that's a good question.  On a general daily basis, no. I do not.  However my in laws are elderly and infirmed and we help care for  them. Of course,  she doesn't actually ever help, but she inserts herself physically and mentally into the scenario constantly...on the phone, comments to them,  comments to us- she'scan expert on everything,  but in actuality she knows nothing.  So, yes, I am there. Also,  we host all the family events for these inlaws, and they are part of the family.  If I stood my ground and demanded that she not come for Thanksgiving, etc., then really I am creating the drama.  I do the gray rock thing the whole day with her...and her whole demeanor is such a buzz kill for everyone, even her own kids make fun if her. It's sad for everyone. I mean, it is actually depressing. Right now there is a bit of a crisis with the elders,  and she has reared her full self  with calls, advice, warnings, threats,  and we just are now not answering the phone,  but then she will call the hospital...and they call us. So, no...can only do so much. Her husband is just a shell of a person, so no help there.[/quote]

Don’t host events. Hold them in a neutral place, like a restaurant. Celebrate holidays where your in-laws live, not your own. The key is to make sure you can separate yourself from this person quickly and easily. You do not want to have this person in your home. If you want to create that boundary quickly.
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They are in their 90s. A lot of what we do is about their comfort- so restaurants won't do.  I will just have to pull up my big girl pants.[/quote]

That is a choice. They can have holidays at someone else’s house too. Or at their facility. It does not have to be at your house. [/quote]

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