Reply to impact of Alcoholics Anonymous on marriage?

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[quote=Anonymous]OP --

I agree with what other PPs have said about alcoholics needing to spend time at AA a lot, especially at the early years and how this feels like he is just continuing to put himself in front of others.

I am saying this gently -- this is part of the problem of your marriage that is caused by alcoholism.  In the beginning of alcoholism, you are covering for him a lot by making excuses, protecting him (and yourself) from consequences and watching over him and trying to prevent the drinking and get him to quit/treatment.  A healthy partner doesn't actually do that.  A healthy partner focuses on him/herself, supports when the spouse asks for support and otherwise lets the spouse enjoy the consequences of their actions good or bad.

Your DH is in AA, focusing on his health.  You also need to focus on yours.  It's not acceptable that your DH leaves you with the kids all the time.  You both need to sit down and figure out a way that you can get some support.  DH maybe can do some of it, or DH or you can ask friends if his or yours.  For example, your DH can ask a friend -- "hey, I'm going to AA now and it's a big load on Larla.  We really need someone who can come over and watch the kids 1x a week so that Larla can have a break too.  Or whatever."  Part of recovering from addiction is your husband acknowledging that he needs help in many ways and learning to ask for it or find it.  That applies to you too.

Find other solutions -- maybe you are tired Sat. AM but you get up and go anyway and then also get to take a nap Sat. afternoon.  Or maybe you can get a friend or babysitter during the weekday for you.  Or find a lunch time meeting (or your husband finds a lunch time meeting).  Or your husband does some kind of nighttime kid prep that makes your AM with the kids easier (why can't he cook pancakes on the weekend while you're at Al-Anon and freeze them for the week?)

This is the effect Alcoholism has had on YOU -- you are putting everyone else first.  You have to prioritize your needs and let some other ones go.

Finally, you have to tell your kids the truth.  They know you both are evading.  You can tell and be age appropriate.  Simply saying "daddy has a meeting" is enough for toddlers.  But, if your kids are age 5 or older during the drinking, they probably know to some extent that something was wrong.  You can say that alcohol isn't healthy and daddy was drinking too much of it and he is spending time in meetings to learn ways to be healthier and not drink alcohol.  I talked to me kids often in ES about alcoholism when appropriate, both about it in our family and in the world around us.  (Why do you have to show an ID to buy alcohol?  Why does Mommy tell Grandpa she doesn't want any wine because she is driving?)

If you're not comfortable with how to talk to the kids, see a counselor and get some strategies.  [/quote]

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