Anonymous wrote:This is a very common theme when a family member gets sober. Addicts are generally all about themselves when they're using drugs or alcohol and the family suffers for years with their selfishness. Then, everyone hopes when the addict gets sober, they'll start putting others first again, the "it'll finally be our turn to get some priority" hope. Unfortunately, in the early days (and sometimes months/years) of sobriety, the addict often need to be just as selfish as they were when they were using to keep themselves sober. So you go from supporting them when they're shitfaced in the gutter to supporting them when they're gone all the time to meetings. A lot of families don't make it through because the family members just can't keep putting the addict first and pulling all the weight so the addict can focus on themselves.

The recovering addict is often aware and may feel overwhelmingly guilty for what he's put his family through and for the self-centered recovery process. There's often an imbalance of power. It can take lot of effort of both partners to make the relationship work.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be fair to him, meetings are only one hour.

Well, that may be true, but my AH goes an hour before the meeting and stays up to an hour after the meeting. He goes to meetings twice a day. So, I hardly ever see him. He's been sober for 11 months. He has become self-righteous and condescending. There are a few women that attend AA that have become very friendly with him, but of course he says they are only friends. Our marriage is suffering. He has been told by senior AA members that marriages rarely survive sobriety if the spouse does not attend Al-anon religiously. I attended Al-anon, however it is difficult to attend regularly as I work out of town. He left me without even the decency to tell me he was moving out and moving in with his sponsor. I just came home from work and his things were gone. We did not argue and I have always been very supportive of his attending AA and of his sobriety. I think he is being pushed to divorce me and look for a relationship with someone in "the program."

Wha??

I’ve read of other very similar stories and warned my husband about what could happen at meetings. The 13th step is an inside joke about how some old timers or sponsors prey on newcomers for sex and favors. The meetings are full of people from all walks of life and some are shady if not downright dangerous to be around (sex offenders can be anonymous). Remember being sober doesn’t mean somebody doesn’t have serious mental issues. There are narcissists and predators peppered at AA, and thirsty women. Since the non alcoholic spouse is viewed as a “normie” who can’t possibly understand the alcoholic then the spouse slowly gets convinced his marriage isn’t what he needs for his recovery. He needs to be selfish, and put AA above family (very cultish IMO). This is where the women in search of sex and relationship come in at AA wanting to steal husbands. Be very careful.

Anonymous wrote:My man took me to a couple of open AA meetings. I heard a lot of hope. I didn't have to go through his early days of recovery. He had been sober for a long time before I met him. He told me that a primary reason he divorced his previous was that she couldn't accept him or treat him as a sober person.

At one meeting a person said that his wife missed the power she thought she had over his life when he was drinking.

Does that make sense? I've been ordering him around for 20 years. He doesn't pay attention and he's still sober.

Sounds good. I have the same experience.

OP --

I agree with what other PPs have said about alcoholics needing to spend time at AA a lot, especially at the early years and how this feels like he is just continuing to put himself in front of others.

I am saying this gently -- this is part of the problem of your marriage that is caused by alcoholism. In the beginning of alcoholism, you are covering for him a lot by making excuses, protecting him (and yourself) from consequences and watching over him and trying to prevent the drinking and get him to quit/treatment. A healthy partner doesn't actually do that. A healthy partner focuses on him/herself, supports when the spouse asks for support and otherwise lets the spouse enjoy the consequences of their actions good or bad.

Your DH is in AA, focusing on his health. You also need to focus on yours. It's not acceptable that your DH leaves you with the kids all the time. You both need to sit down and figure out a way that you can get some support. DH maybe can do some of it, or DH or you can ask friends if his or yours. For example, your DH can ask a friend -- "hey, I'm going to AA now and it's a big load on Larla. We really need someone who can come over and watch the kids 1x a week so that Larla can have a break too. Or whatever." Part of recovering from addiction is your husband acknowledging that he needs help in many ways and learning to ask for it or find it. That applies to you too.

Find other solutions -- maybe you are tired Sat. AM but you get up and go anyway and then also get to take a nap Sat. afternoon. Or maybe you can get a friend or babysitter during the weekday for you. Or find a lunch time meeting (or your husband finds a lunch time meeting). Or your husband does some kind of nighttime kid prep that makes your AM with the kids easier (why can't he cook pancakes on the weekend while you're at Al-Anon and freeze them for the week?)

This is the effect Alcoholism has had on YOU -- you are putting everyone else first. You have to prioritize your needs and let some other ones go.

Finally, you have to tell your kids the truth. They know you both are evading. You can tell and be age appropriate. Simply saying "daddy has a meeting" is enough for toddlers. But, if your kids are age 5 or older during the drinking, they probably know to some extent that something was wrong. You can say that alcohol isn't healthy and daddy was drinking too much of it and he is spending time in meetings to learn ways to be healthier and not drink alcohol. I talked to me kids often in ES about alcoholism when appropriate, both about it in our family and in the world around us. (Why do you have to show an ID to buy alcohol? Why does Mommy tell Grandpa she doesn't want any wine because she is driving?)

If you're not comfortable with how to talk to the kids, see a counselor and get some strategies.

My spouse was in recovery/AA when we met (6 or 7 years sober), so I never knew them drunk. But, I do remember being jealous of their time at meetings, and meeting friend group. So I went to Al-Anon (not for me, I don't drink and not an enabler, and they couldn't help me not be jealous.

I went to a few meetings with spouse. Didnt get it. Everyone telling stories of how miserable they were, how much better it is now, or how they slipped but are going to try again, and very self promoting/self congratulating.

And, spouse has told me they do not want to go back to that painful place where they were when drinking. We've been married over 20 years, have 3 children. Spouse still goes to meetings twice a week. If that's what spouse needs to be a sane person not drinking, it is fine with me. There were times spouse needed to go more than twice a week (stress of young kids, job stress, whatever). And sometimes less. When we go away on vacation for a week, spouse always finds a meeting where we will be. I am no longer jealous of those people and the time at meetings (secure in relationship, not worried about spouse slipping at this point - has close to 30 years sobriety), and I just realized it wasn't for me, but it was for spouse, fine, it could be for spouse.

If you cannot handle what your spouse needs to remain sober, then you have to decide if you are in this for the long haul (in sickness and in health and all that). Because addiction is a disease that has to be managed the entire rest of your life. If you can't handle that, you have to give up on your marriage, because spouse needs that to survive.

I am the adult child of an alcoholic. My dad first got sober when I was four, but had a few relapses throughout elementary school. He has been sober ever since. My parents are still together, but according to my mom, they would not be if she had not started going to Alanon. It helped her cope with a lot of the feelings you’ve expressed in your posts OP. Also, I’ll say as a child, having parents with that philosophy - accepting the things (and people) you cannot change - has been such a blessing. I know my happiness only comes from me - not from other people or circumstances beyond my control. OP, I’d encourage you to give Alanon another try - not just for you but your kids as well. Also, on the meetings, has your husband looked for lunchtime meetings? I know my Dad went to lunchtime meetings pretty regularly for most of his working life.

I disliked her even more when she was (briefly) sober. She told me I could never understand and only another alcoholic could understand what it's like. I totally agreed. I never understood and eventually, didn't care. She met a guy from AA who understood her. They lived together until she drank herself to death.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be fair to him, meetings are only one hour.

Well, that may be true, but my AH goes an hour before the meeting and stays up to an hour after the meeting. He goes to meetings twice a day. So, I hardly ever see him. He's been sober for 11 months. He has become self-righteous and condescending. There are a few women that attend AA that have become very friendly with him, but of course he says they are only friends. Our marriage is suffering. He has been told by senior AA members that marriages rarely survive sobriety if the spouse does not attend Al-anon religiously. I attended Al-anon, however it is difficult to attend regularly as I work out of town. He left me without even the decency to tell me he was moving out and moving in with his sponsor. I just came home from work and his things were gone. We did not argue and I have always been very supportive of his attending AA and of his sobriety. I think he is being pushed to divorce me and look for a relationship with someone in "the program."

Wha??

Anonymous wrote:To be fair to him, meetings are only one hour.

Well, that may be true, but my AH goes an hour before the meeting and stays up to an hour after the meeting. He goes to meetings twice a day. So, I hardly ever see him. He's been sober for 11 months. He has become self-righteous and condescending. There are a few women that attend AA that have become very friendly with him, but of course he says they are only friends. Our marriage is suffering. He has been told by senior AA members that marriages rarely survive sobriety if the spouse does not attend Al-anon religiously. I attended Al-anon, however it is difficult to attend regularly as I work out of town. He left me without even the decency to tell me he was moving out and moving in with his sponsor. I just came home from work and his things were gone. We did not argue and I have always been very supportive of his attending AA and of his sobriety. I think he is being pushed to divorce me and look for a relationship with someone in "the program."

I hear you, OP. I felt the same way when my husband was newly sober and going all the time. But then he was going less frequently and finally not at all. He started using again, and I left him. Raising our kids as a single parent has been really difficult, for the kids and for me, obviously far more so than having my ex going to meetings frequently. I'm not trying to minimize your feelings, because I understand it all too well. But I would just encourage you to consider the alternative. And meanwhile, treat yourself as well as you can and make sure you have your own support system. Good luck. I'm rooting for you both.

To be fair to him, meetings are only one hour.

My husband has 13+ years of sobriety. When he was newly sober he went to meetings every day. Now it's once per week, though sometimes he could benefit from more.

AA has been a force for good in both of our lives. The 12 steps resonate with me immensely. Consider talking about the ideas together. It can bring you closer.

I completely disagree that going to a lot of meetings is selfish and I think the dialysis metaphor is spot on. If your husband is going to that many meetings it's because he's having cravings and is committed to his sobriety. He knows he has no control over alcohol and he's doing something that works.

Eventually, he'll have enough sobriety and spiritual well being to go longer between meetings.

In the meantime, even though the meetings are the right thing, your life is challenging because of them. Talk about what resources you can dedicate to lightening your load- including someone to help with the kids at times.

I'd also consider individual counseling to explore your feelings about his sobriety. His alcoholism isn't about your marriage or your life. But your insecurity about this big change is important. Explore it with someone you can trust.

Sigh. This will never happen to me.

Anonymous wrote:God bless everyone. I’m going through the same thing with my wife. I asked to go with her the other night when it was sprung on me after a nice dinner. She said no, it’s only for alcoholics. It’s definitely a strain on our marriage.

Hmmm....

there are both closed meetings and open meetings in AA. Anyone can attend an open meeting. Only people with a desire to stop drinking can attend a closed meeting. You should ask your wife to go to an open meeting with you.

Anonymous wrote:Early sobriety isn't all sunshine and roses for a marriage. When your partner gets sober, their personality changes. The balance of how things are done in the relationship shifts a lot. You can feel really short-changed when the whole family is cheering for the newly sober alcoholic, but fails to recognize how hard you are working to support their sobriety and how hard you had to work before they got sober.

A lot of marriages don't survive sobriety.

If you want your marriage to work, I would strongly recommend a marriage counselor who can help you work out the changes that are happening in your life.

Most marriages don't survive sobriety. The person you married becomes really different once they're sober. That doesn't work out for most marriages.

Marriage counseling is an excellent suggestion.