Reply to Annoyed that I end up looking like the a-hole who missed Christmas

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP,
My husband has ADHD and went off meds (that's another discussion). There have been plenty of incidents over the years, but we have both learned from them.

In this situation, knowing my husband, I would have texted at noon--just a reminder, honey, to make sure to change the laundry over and pick up some things for breakfast tomorrow. See you later!

While it may be annoying and infantilizing, it works with my husband. He is always willing, just gets distracted and forgets.

You and he are about to have some major stressors added to your life, so I suggest you figure out some ways to address them. Its never been helpful, in my experience, to hold onto resentment (though anger is natural), because you get into a resentment/guilt/avoidance situation.

Here are a few things I have learned:

put things in writing, and then remind via phone or text/check in.

never put more than 3 tasks or pieces of inmportant info in a single note==most likely my DH will focus on the 1st or maybe 2 and then miss the third

Never expect that he's fully read and digested a note or text--check in.

Play to each other's strengths. DH is terrible with finances, any sort of paperwork, enrollments/future planning, getting clothes for the kids in correct sizes. He is great at grocery shopping (and willing to go back 2x for what he's forgotten), taking the kids to do fun things, taking my car in/dealing with immediate issues. He likes the instant gratification of stuff that doesn't take forethought and can be executed now--so he does a ton of errands, runs things to the dump, etc. He is naturally messy, but will clean up if given directions--he likes larger tackle it all now tasks, like cleaning out the garage for 3 hours, or doing all the lawn work, but he is not going to go around picking up things and sorting drawers.

Mostly, I have to be very explicit in what I want him to do, and when, but also not become a martyr and obsess over it. Life is too short!  We also try to thank each other for the positive things, rather than focus on the negative, so whenever I am annoyed that DH didn't do x,y,z, I turn it around and realize that he has done  p,r,q. [/quote]

Awesome advice.  We should pin this to the top of the Relationship Discussion board!

The only thing I'd add is that as the spouse of an ADHD person, you have to be kind of ruthless about taking care of yourself, and keeping your commitments below where you might otherwise have them.  So yeah, probably not going to host both Christmas and Thanksgiving in a year; and you NEED to carve out one weekend day for yourself where you leave kids with spouse.  [/quote]

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