Anonymous
Post 12/26/2018 15:00     Subject: Annoyed that I end up looking like the a-hole who missed Christmas
Anonymous wrote:Again, the burden of running a household falls entirely on the DW and her failure to plan. Thanks DCUM for your wonderful advice. Now excuse me as I step into my time machine and take all your advice. -OP


Well, OP. I’m totally on your side, and I’m a DW with ADD. No excuse. You should be able to count on your spouse to do those two basic things, especially as you just returned from a trip, he had the day off, you had to work, and you had guests coming in the morning. If people want to be completely atomized individuals with no responsibilities beyond themselves, they shouldn’t get married.
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2018 14:59     Subject: Annoyed that I end up looking like the a-hole who missed Christmas
Op again: 14:26 and 14:23 thank you for the fantastic advice. I’m just kvetching because honestly it’s frustrating to manage a grown ass mans behavior.
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2018 14:58     Subject: Annoyed that I end up looking like the a-hole who missed Christmas
Anonymous wrote:You prioritized laundry and groceries over his family. It is simple.


Op here:

Using your logic, I could argue that DH prioritized his own family over the needs of his pregnant, working wife.
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2018 14:48     Subject: Annoyed that I end up looking like the a-hole who missed Christmas
You prioritized laundry and groceries over his family. It is simple.
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2018 14:26     Subject: Re:Annoyed that I end up looking like the a-hole who missed Christmas
Anonymous wrote:OP,
My husband has ADHD and went off meds (that's another discussion). There have been plenty of incidents over the years, but we have both learned from them.

In this situation, knowing my husband, I would have texted at noon--just a reminder, honey, to make sure to change the laundry over and pick up some things for breakfast tomorrow. See you later!

While it may be annoying and infantilizing, it works with my husband. He is always willing, just gets distracted and forgets.

You and he are about to have some major stressors added to your life, so I suggest you figure out some ways to address them. Its never been helpful, in my experience, to hold onto resentment (though anger is natural), because you get into a resentment/guilt/avoidance situation.

Here are a few things I have learned:

put things in writing, and then remind via phone or text/check in.

never put more than 3 tasks or pieces of inmportant info in a single note==most likely my DH will focus on the 1st or maybe 2 and then miss the third

Never expect that he's fully read and digested a note or text--check in.

Play to each other's strengths. DH is terrible with finances, any sort of paperwork, enrollments/future planning, getting clothes for the kids in correct sizes. He is great at grocery shopping (and willing to go back 2x for what he's forgotten), taking the kids to do fun things, taking my car in/dealing with immediate issues. He likes the instant gratification of stuff that doesn't take forethought and can be executed now--so he does a ton of errands, runs things to the dump, etc. He is naturally messy, but will clean up if given directions--he likes larger tackle it all now tasks, like cleaning out the garage for 3 hours, or doing all the lawn work, but he is not going to go around picking up things and sorting drawers.

Mostly, I have to be very explicit in what I want him to do, and when, but also not become a martyr and obsess over it. Life is too short! We also try to thank each other for the positive things, rather than focus on the negative, so whenever I am annoyed that DH didn't do x,y,z, I turn it around and realize that he has done p,r,q.


Awesome advice. We should pin this to the top of the Relationship Discussion board!

The only thing I'd add is that as the spouse of an ADHD person, you have to be kind of ruthless about taking care of yourself, and keeping your commitments below where you might otherwise have them. So yeah, probably not going to host both Christmas and Thanksgiving in a year; and you NEED to carve out one weekend day for yourself where you leave kids with spouse.
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2018 14:25     Subject: Annoyed that I end up looking like the a-hole who missed Christmas
If his family feels snubbed they need to get over it, and he should be defending you. You worked a full day, and you are 6 months pregnant. In my book, nothing more needs to be said or explained. You were tired and decided to sit this one out. End of story. Quickly forgive yourself, and your husband and move on.

Congrats on the nwe baby!
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2018 14:24     Subject: Annoyed that I end up looking like the a-hole who missed Christmas
Natural consequence for your husband for missing grocery shopping: he should have had to go shopping after the party or early Christmas morning. Visitors show up and food sti isn’t there? That’s on him. But instead you “saved” him AND missed the party so he can blame you. You contributed to a terrible dynamic.
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2018 14:23     Subject: Re:Annoyed that I end up looking like the a-hole who missed Christmas
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Let it go. Don’t rely on him next time. My DH has ADHD and I would never count on him to wash my clothes.


Come on, all it sounds like he had to do was move clothes from the washing machine to the dryer. What kind of person are you that married someone who is literally incapable of being an adult? Shit, I could move the laundry along when I was a kid in middle to late elementary school.


Many threads on DCUM over the years about "how do I cope with my ADHD spouse's inability to do things around the house" etc.

OP, look up those threads. Then you and DH need to talk immediately and seriously and start working on giving him tools to cope with mundane but necessary tasks, or you will be back here when the baby comes along, talking about his your marriage is in shambles because DH. Cannot. Help. At. All.

Go online and research how couples where one has ADHD create lists, chore charts, use phone reminders with alarms that sound, etc. Get some short term couples counseling focused on helping you both come up with processes, reminders, solutions so he doesn't forget chores. Does he accept that he has ADHD and that it affects how you regard him? And get help on communications so he understands, and you get better at expressing, why certain very ignorable chores (in his brain) are important enough to you and to the household that he needs to accept help, reminders etc. to get them done. He has a condition that he may not realize helps create problems for HIM like his wife missing his family event. Does he acknowledge that you at a minimum had no wearable clothes ? Were you clear that if there were no clothes you couldn't go out again? (BTW I would have let the food shopping go because there are both some stores and restaurants open after 7 Christmas Eve and even on Christmas Day now, but that's me. And moot.)

Do this work on organization and tools ASAP or the baby is going to rock your lives and not in a good way.
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2018 14:22     Subject: Re:Annoyed that I end up looking like the a-hole who missed Christmas
Anonymous wrote:You should have planned better. Your husband should not have given you a hard time for not showing up.


OMG. She DID plan. Her DH blew the plans off.
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2018 14:21     Subject: Re:Annoyed that I end up looking like the a-hole who missed Christmas
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Let it go. Don’t rely on him next time. My DH has ADHD and I would never count on him to wash my clothes.


Come on, all it sounds like he had to do was move clothes from the washing machine to the dryer. What kind of person are you that married someone who is literally incapable of being an adult? Shit, I could move the laundry along when I was a kid in middle to late elementary school.


+1 I’m astonished by the men some of these women on this board marry, the things they let them get away with, and the excuses they make. He’s an adult, not a child. If he can’t move laundry from the washer to dryer and get groceries how is he functioning in every day life?!


If you have a way for me to get my DH to stop forgetting/just not doing/half-assing things he agreed to do, I am ALL ears!

In answer to your question about how he functions: guys like this either don't function (always on the brink of disaster, getting fired, house is a disaster) or they have someone else compensating for them. They have uneven skills, so there may be parts of their job that they are so brilliant at, or good personality characteristics, that they don't get immediately fired or divorced.
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2018 14:19     Subject: Re:Annoyed that I end up looking like the a-hole who missed Christmas
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So you STILL planned a family event the day after getting back from a trip, and in a day when you had to work? That was stupid. And your fault, too. You should have realized you and he were trying to do too much.


This. But in a nicer way. You should have either pushed to get off work early or told your in laws that you couldn’t make it.

Maybe, if your DH begged, tell him that you will come for the last 30 minutes of the party of the house is completely clean and the refrigerator stocked. Sometimes, if you have a day off, it’s easier to get a lot done than a little.


Op didn't plan the Christmas Eve gathering and you know it. You're just being obtuse. She merely agreed to be there.

My husband has to work odd hours and often on holidays. I often have to do a little more so that he can meet us at Grandma's or wherever. OP's plan to have her husband do a few extra things so that they could squeeze it all in should be perfectly doable.


I didn’t mean to say that she planned it, only that she should never have told anyone she would be there. I am an ER doctor, my husband does critical care. Sometimes you can’t make it.
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2018 14:17     Subject: Re:Annoyed that I end up looking like the a-hole who missed Christmas
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This could have all been avoided by better planning. Why plan a vacation that has you coming back so close to Christmas? Couldn't you have taken time off work? Or stock your pantry so you have food? Do laundry on vacation? Any number of things could have been done to prevent this.


How ridiculous. Why do "any number of things" when dh could have easily, EASILY accomplished these few things on his own?

(Op is a social worker. Are you under the impression that people in need of such services can put things on hold on the holidays? No. CPS and elder concern calls INCREASE during the holidays.)


Op here, PP you nailed my frustration. Holiday schedules are established far in advance - in order to take a vacation I agreed to work the Christmas Eve shift. We have to have a minimum amount of staff for coverage. I cannot leave work early, especially if I’m the immediate response worker for that day.
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2018 14:13     Subject: Re:Annoyed that I end up looking like the a-hole who missed Christmas
Anonymous wrote:This could have all been avoided by better planning. Why plan a vacation that has you coming back so close to Christmas? Couldn't you have taken time off work? Or stock your pantry so you have food? Do laundry on vacation? Any number of things could have been done to prevent this.


How ridiculous. Why do "any number of things" when dh could have easily, EASILY accomplished these few things on his own?

(Op is a social worker. Are you under the impression that people in need of such services can put things on hold on the holidays? No. CPS and elder concern calls INCREASE during the holidays.)
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2018 14:08     Subject: Re:Annoyed that I end up looking like the a-hole who missed Christmas
This could have all been avoided by better planning. Why plan a vacation that has you coming back so close to Christmas? Couldn't you have taken time off work? Or stock your pantry so you have food? Do laundry on vacation? Any number of things could have been done to prevent this.
Anonymous
Post 12/26/2018 14:08     Subject: Re:Annoyed that I end up looking like the a-hole who missed Christmas
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So you STILL planned a family event the day after getting back from a trip, and in a day when you had to work? That was stupid. And your fault, too. You should have realized you and he were trying to do too much.


This. But in a nicer way. You should have either pushed to get off work early or told your in laws that you couldn’t make it.

Maybe, if your DH begged, tell him that you will come for the last 30 minutes of the party of the house is completely clean and the refrigerator stocked. Sometimes, if you have a day off, it’s easier to get a lot done than a little.


Op didn't plan the Christmas Eve gathering and you know it. You're just being obtuse. She merely agreed to be there.

My husband has to work odd hours and often on holidays. I often have to do a little more so that he can meet us at Grandma's or wherever. OP's plan to have her husband do a few extra things so that they could squeeze it all in should be perfectly doable.