Reply to DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. I don’t think DH handled the situation well, but what bothers me more is that now [b]he is not speaking to DD and insisting he’s not talking to her until she apologizes.[/b] I’m more upset by that than by the other thing, and more upset overall about the pattern of his interactions with DD than about any particular thing. DH is severely depressive and has major anger issues. He is working on them but yes, he handles difficult situations by either withdrawing or blowing up. He is working on this and has gotten a little bit better, but it is still a big marital issue. What really worries me here is that until recently he has mostly blown up at me when he blows up. But he is now increasingly doing it with DD.

It’s not any one incident that worries me. We all occasionally lose it or snap at the kids or get into a silly power struggle we could have avoided. Everyone does it from time to time, then you move on. What troubles me is that this is happening more and more with DH and DD and he seems unable to move on. I worry about their relationship. DH has zero relationship with most own siblings or with his own father, precisely because of things like this. I can’t stand watching him damage his relationship with a child who adores him. And to be clear, DD is a good kid. She is not, in general, a rude or thoughtless kid who acts out. She is a great kid who is kind and thoughtful and she loves him enormously. He never praises her, and never shows her he sees all the great things she is doing. He focuses exclusively on the really very minor negatives, and turns them into fights. She is baffled and hurt by it.[/quote]

OP, that line really spoke to me.  I had a situation with my father where this happened. My father slapped me for wearing a skirt that he thought was too short.  I was 16.  He said he wouldn't speak to me until I apologized for disrespecting him by wearing the skirt.  I didn't apologize and we never spoke again in any type of pleasant manner, other than yes or no answers.  I am 48 years old. He didn't attend my high school graduation.  Didn't pay one dime towards my college.  Has not met my children or DH. Just an FYI if you guys can't work this out. I tell people my father is dead (he is not).  My brother hasn't even mentioned him to me in over 20 years.  If he attends a family gathering, I completely ignore him and so does my DH and children.  We act like we don't even know who he is. [/quote]

Im almost certain this was not the result of one incident and you're ridiculous for making that assertion.[/quote]

And clearly op sees a pattern in her DH, and this is about more than a single incident for her as well.  Pp's tale is a cautionary one, and in op's shoes I would be trying to get my DH to see that.  [/quote]

He made his child walk to the bus stop.  Would you also try to talk to your DD about her pattern of continually being late?  Or does the DD just get to do as she pleases?  [/quote]

Do you think his giving her the silent treatment for days is okay?  I think that's the most significant issue.  I don't think making her walk to the bus stop is a problem.  I think he can do that calmly.  Tell her the time you're leaving, and leave at that time, with or without her.   That can be done without pissy shouting matches, and certainly without days-long silent treatment.   My mil does things like arbitrarily stop talking to her kids.  It does not foster a good relationship between them.  [/quote]

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