Anonymous
10/20/2018 12:07
Subject: DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t think DH handled the situation well, but what bothers me more is that now he is not speaking to DD and insisting he’s not talking to her until she apologizes. I’m more upset by that than by the other thing, and more upset overall about the pattern of his interactions with DD than about any particular thing. DH is severely depressive and has major anger issues. He is working on them but yes, he handles difficult situations by either withdrawing or blowing up. He is working on this and has gotten a little bit better, but it is still a big marital issue. What really worries me here is that until recently he has mostly blown up at me when he blows up. But he is now increasingly doing it with DD.
It’s not any one incident that worries me. We all occasionally lose it or snap at the kids or get into a silly power struggle we could have avoided. Everyone does it from time to time, then you move on. What troubles me is that this is happening more and more with DH and DD and he seems unable to move on. I worry about their relationship. DH has zero relationship with most own siblings or with his own father, precisely because of things like this. I can’t stand watching him damage his relationship with a child who adores him. And to be clear, DD is a good kid. She is not, in general, a rude or thoughtless kid who acts out. She is a great kid who is kind and thoughtful and she loves him enormously. He never praises her, and never shows her he sees all the great things she is doing. He focuses exclusively on the really very minor negatives, and turns them into fights. She is baffled and hurt by it.
OP, that line really spoke to me. I had a situation with my father where this happened. My father slapped me for wearing a skirt that he thought was too short. I was 16. He said he wouldn't speak to me until I apologized for disrespecting him by wearing the skirt. I didn't apologize and we never spoke again in any type of pleasant manner, other than yes or no answers. I am 48 years old. He didn't attend my high school graduation. Didn't pay one dime towards my college. Has not met my children or DH. Just an FYI if you guys can't work this out. I tell people my father is dead (he is not). My brother hasn't even mentioned him to me in over 20 years. If he attends a family gathering, I completely ignore him and so does my DH and children. We act like we don't even know who he is.
Im almost certain this was not the result of one incident and you're ridiculous for making that assertion.
And clearly op sees a pattern in her DH, and this is about more than a single incident for her as well. Pp's tale is a cautionary one, and in op's shoes I would be trying to get my DH to see that.
He made his child walk to the bus stop. Would you also try to talk to your DD about her pattern of continually being late? Or does the DD just get to do as she pleases?
Do you think his giving her the silent treatment for days is okay? I think that's the most significant issue. I don't think making her walk to the bus stop is a problem. I think he can do that calmly. Tell her the time you're leaving, and leave at that time, with or without her. That can be done without pissy shouting matches, and certainly without days-long silent treatment. My mil does things like arbitrarily stop talking to her kids. It does not foster a good relationship between them.
Anonymous
10/20/2018 12:04
Subject: DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
OP again. The really sad thing is that DD worships DH. She is so eager to please him. But he can’t see that, and his constant nitpicking and criticizing is making her shrink away from him. He is terribly insecure and he sees any disagreement as an attack or a sign of disrespect. DD is a normal teen, in fact a pretty great teen. I fear that DH’s over-sensitivity and over-reactions are going to permanently hurt his relationship with her.
Anonymous
10/20/2018 11:58
Subject: DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
But DD isn’t actually late. She has never missed the bus. She’s just not ready as early as the other kids.
There is just no issue. All DH has to do is establish the departure time and quit nagging. DD will either be on time or not; if she is not, she will bear the consequence (walking, and risking an unexcused lateness). She will learn to be on time and DH doesn’t need to yell or freeze her out. Simple.
This is not a chronically defiant or disrespectful kid, this is a kid who gets good grades and is a nice kid. DH should give her the benefit of the doubt. And TALK to her. Yes, it is his job as the parent to set boundaries and establish clear behavioral expectations. But it is also his job to listen, to talk to her kindly, and to treat her with the empathy and respect he wants her to show others. If DH freezes her out or leaves her behind (not because she was late, but ecause he got huffy when she challenged his behavior!), he is not teaching her to be thoughtful or respectful,he is just teaching her that bigger, louder, powerful people can treat less powerful people any way they want. Not a good lesson. He has an opportunity to make it a teaching moment in a good way for DD. Instead he is modeling all the wrong behavior.
There is just no issue. All DH has to do is establish the departure time and quit nagging. DD will either be on time or not; if she is not, she will bear the consequence (walking, and risking an unexcused lateness). She will learn to be on time and DH doesn’t need to yell or freeze her out. Simple.
This is not a chronically defiant or disrespectful kid, this is a kid who gets good grades and is a nice kid. DH should give her the benefit of the doubt. And TALK to her. Yes, it is his job as the parent to set boundaries and establish clear behavioral expectations. But it is also his job to listen, to talk to her kindly, and to treat her with the empathy and respect he wants her to show others. If DH freezes her out or leaves her behind (not because she was late, but ecause he got huffy when she challenged his behavior!), he is not teaching her to be thoughtful or respectful,he is just teaching her that bigger, louder, powerful people can treat less powerful people any way they want. Not a good lesson. He has an opportunity to make it a teaching moment in a good way for DD. Instead he is modeling all the wrong behavior.
Anonymous
10/20/2018 11:44
Subject: DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t think DH handled the situation well, but what bothers me more is that now he is not speaking to DD and insisting he’s not talking to her until she apologizes. I’m more upset by that than by the other thing, and more upset overall about the pattern of his interactions with DD than about any particular thing. DH is severely depressive and has major anger issues. He is working on them but yes, he handles difficult situations by either withdrawing or blowing up. He is working on this and has gotten a little bit better, but it is still a big marital issue. What really worries me here is that until recently he has mostly blown up at me when he blows up. But he is now increasingly doing it with DD.
It’s not any one incident that worries me. We all occasionally lose it or snap at the kids or get into a silly power struggle we could have avoided. Everyone does it from time to time, then you move on. What troubles me is that this is happening more and more with DH and DD and he seems unable to move on. I worry about their relationship. DH has zero relationship with most own siblings or with his own father, precisely because of things like this. I can’t stand watching him damage his relationship with a child who adores him. And to be clear, DD is a good kid. She is not, in general, a rude or thoughtless kid who acts out. She is a great kid who is kind and thoughtful and she loves him enormously. He never praises her, and never shows her he sees all the great things she is doing. He focuses exclusively on the really very minor negatives, and turns them into fights. She is baffled and hurt by it.
OP, that line really spoke to me. I had a situation with my father where this happened. My father slapped me for wearing a skirt that he thought was too short. I was 16. He said he wouldn't speak to me until I apologized for disrespecting him by wearing the skirt. I didn't apologize and we never spoke again in any type of pleasant manner, other than yes or no answers. I am 48 years old. He didn't attend my high school graduation. Didn't pay one dime towards my college. Has not met my children or DH. Just an FYI if you guys can't work this out. I tell people my father is dead (he is not). My brother hasn't even mentioned him to me in over 20 years. If he attends a family gathering, I completely ignore him and so does my DH and children. We act like we don't even know who he is.
Im almost certain this was not the result of one incident and you're ridiculous for making that assertion.
And clearly op sees a pattern in her DH, and this is about more than a single incident for her as well. Pp's tale is a cautionary one, and in op's shoes I would be trying to get my DH to see that.
He made his child walk to the bus stop. Would you also try to talk to your DD about her pattern of continually being late? Or does the DD just get to do as she pleases?
Anonymous
10/20/2018 11:35
Subject: Re:DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
^come up
Anonymous
10/20/2018 11:33
Subject: Re:DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
OP, I endured this with my DS. He was always late in the morning, no matter how many discussions we had. I told DS he needed to walk to the bus because he wasn't being respectful of my time. He continued being late so he didn't have enough time to walk and if he missed the bus, I would have to drive him to school instead. Regardless of many discussions, this continued. If your DH has to deal with that on a daily basis, I can see why he's upset. It's likely he feels that he wasn't being unkind and that your daughter created the situation with her behavior and then was scolding him about being not nice. Your DH overreacted, but making her walk wasn't abusive, and was likely done out of built up frustration. My younger DD has to wake up at the same time and manages to get ready on time. There have been days where she's disorganized and forgets things, but I don't get upset about that because I know I sometimes forget things. My DS does it daily, so I'm not as accommodating. Your DD needs to apologize and also Coke up with a plan for how she will avoid being late going forward. Otherwise, it will build unnecessary animosity between your DH and your DD. And the pp who said it reminds her of when her dad slapped her is equating two very different things. I would never slap my kids, or anyone for that matter.
Anonymous
10/20/2018 11:15
Subject: DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
OP have you talked to your daughter about needing to be more organized in the morning, on time, pleasant, and respectful?
She's old enough for you to talk to her in this more adult way. Your DH needs to do better but so does she.
She's old enough for you to talk to her in this more adult way. Your DH needs to do better but so does she.
Anonymous
10/20/2018 11:12
Subject: DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
The not talking is abusive. Very abusive, child enters a home in which she is not feeling safe. As a child, I grew up in a county where all the kids experienced physical punishment, sometimes deserved, and sometimes just parents being pi**ed at something else and taking it out on the kids. All that was nothing compared to my mom or dad(they both did it) not talking to me for days when mad. The feeling of coming home to silence, not knowing that you have a safe place, your little sanctuary, is terrible. I have made a point of never, ever allowing that in my home. My teens and I and DH can have the worst fight, and we are talking to each other. I say, in this family we talk to each other, no matter what happened before and how mad you are. Your 14 year old is filled with dread at her own home, show my post to your DH please. He needs to grow up.
Anonymous
10/20/2018 11:11
Subject: DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
OP, this is pretty messed up behavior on your husband’s part. Your daughter apologized and asserted that she is also worthy of kindness and respect and your husband’s response is to cut her off entirely. If there is ever a time to be the bigger person, it is when the other person is a LITERAL CHILD. If my DH did something like this I would seriously be planning for separation. His anger issues were always a problem. You are in denial if you think it is only an issue now because it is directly impacting DD.
Anonymous
10/20/2018 11:09
Subject: DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t think DH handled the situation well, but what bothers me more is that now he is not speaking to DD and insisting he’s not talking to her until she apologizes. I’m more upset by that than by the other thing, and more upset overall about the pattern of his interactions with DD than about any particular thing. DH is severely depressive and has major anger issues. He is working on them but yes, he handles difficult situations by either withdrawing or blowing up. He is working on this and has gotten a little bit better, but it is still a big marital issue. What really worries me here is that until recently he has mostly blown up at me when he blows up. But he is now increasingly doing it with DD.
It’s not any one incident that worries me. We all occasionally lose it or snap at the kids or get into a silly power struggle we could have avoided. Everyone does it from time to time, then you move on. What troubles me is that this is happening more and more with DH and DD and he seems unable to move on. I worry about their relationship. DH has zero relationship with most own siblings or with his own father, precisely because of things like this. I can’t stand watching him damage his relationship with a child who adores him. And to be clear, DD is a good kid. She is not, in general, a rude or thoughtless kid who acts out. She is a great kid who is kind and thoughtful and she loves him enormously. He never praises her, and never shows her he sees all the great things she is doing. He focuses exclusively on the really very minor negatives, and turns them into fights. She is baffled and hurt by it.
OP, that line really spoke to me. I had a situation with my father where this happened. My father slapped me for wearing a skirt that he thought was too short. I was 16. He said he wouldn't speak to me until I apologized for disrespecting him by wearing the skirt. I didn't apologize and we never spoke again in any type of pleasant manner, other than yes or no answers. I am 48 years old. He didn't attend my high school graduation. Didn't pay one dime towards my college. Has not met my children or DH. Just an FYI if you guys can't work this out. I tell people my father is dead (he is not). My brother hasn't even mentioned him to me in over 20 years. If he attends a family gathering, I completely ignore him and so does my DH and children. We act like we don't even know who he is.
Im almost certain this was not the result of one incident and you're ridiculous for making that assertion.
And clearly op sees a pattern in her DH, and this is about more than a single incident for her as well. Pp's tale is a cautionary one, and in op's shoes I would be trying to get my DH to see that.
Anonymous
10/20/2018 10:52
Subject: DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t think DH handled the situation well, but what bothers me more is that now he is not speaking to DD and insisting he’s not talking to her until she apologizes. I’m more upset by that than by the other thing, and more upset overall about the pattern of his interactions with DD than about any particular thing. DH is severely depressive and has major anger issues. He is working on them but yes, he handles difficult situations by either withdrawing or blowing up. He is working on this and has gotten a little bit better, but it is still a big marital issue. What really worries me here is that until recently he has mostly blown up at me when he blows up. But he is now increasingly doing it with DD.
It’s not any one incident that worries me. We all occasionally lose it or snap at the kids or get into a silly power struggle we could have avoided. Everyone does it from time to time, then you move on. What troubles me is that this is happening more and more with DH and DD and he seems unable to move on. I worry about their relationship. DH has zero relationship with most own siblings or with his own father, precisely because of things like this. I can’t stand watching him damage his relationship with a child who adores him. And to be clear, DD is a good kid. She is not, in general, a rude or thoughtless kid who acts out. She is a great kid who is kind and thoughtful and she loves him enormously. He never praises her, and never shows her he sees all the great things she is doing. He focuses exclusively on the really very minor negatives, and turns them into fights. She is baffled and hurt by it.
OP, that line really spoke to me. I had a situation with my father where this happened. My father slapped me for wearing a skirt that he thought was too short. I was 16. He said he wouldn't speak to me until I apologized for disrespecting him by wearing the skirt. I didn't apologize and we never spoke again in any type of pleasant manner, other than yes or no answers. I am 48 years old. He didn't attend my high school graduation. Didn't pay one dime towards my college. Has not met my children or DH. Just an FYI if you guys can't work this out. I tell people my father is dead (he is not). My brother hasn't even mentioned him to me in over 20 years. If he attends a family gathering, I completely ignore him and so does my DH and children. We act like we don't even know who he is.
Im almost certain this was not the result of one incident and you're ridiculous for making that assertion.
Anonymous
10/20/2018 10:49
Subject: DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t think DH handled the situation well, but what bothers me more is that now he is not speaking to DD and insisting he’s not talking to her until she apologizes. I’m more upset by that than by the other thing, and more upset overall about the pattern of his interactions with DD than about any particular thing. DH is severely depressive and has major anger issues. He is working on them but yes, he handles difficult situations by either withdrawing or blowing up. He is working on this and has gotten a little bit better, but it is still a big marital issue. What really worries me here is that until recently he has mostly blown up at me when he blows up. But he is now increasingly doing it with DD.
It’s not any one incident that worries me. We all occasionally lose it or snap at the kids or get into a silly power struggle we could have avoided. Everyone does it from time to time, then you move on. What troubles me is that this is happening more and more with DH and DD and he seems unable to move on. I worry about their relationship. DH has zero relationship with most own siblings or with his own father, precisely because of things like this. I can’t stand watching him damage his relationship with a child who adores him. And to be clear, DD is a good kid. She is not, in general, a rude or thoughtless kid who acts out. She is a great kid who is kind and thoughtful and she loves him enormously. He never praises her, and never shows her he sees all the great things she is doing. He focuses exclusively on the really very minor negatives, and turns them into fights. She is baffled and hurt by it.
OP, that line really spoke to me. I had a situation with my father where this happened. My father slapped me for wearing a skirt that he thought was too short. I was 16. He said he wouldn't speak to me until I apologized for disrespecting him by wearing the skirt. I didn't apologize and we never spoke again in any type of pleasant manner, other than yes or no answers. I am 48 years old. He didn't attend my high school graduation. Didn't pay one dime towards my college. Has not met my children or DH. Just an FYI if you guys can't work this out. I tell people my father is dead (he is not). My brother hasn't even mentioned him to me in over 20 years. If he attends a family gathering, I completely ignore him and so does my DH and children. We act like we don't even know who he is.
Anonymous
10/20/2018 10:29
Subject: DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
Anonymous wrote:
In the mornings, he should just go out to the car and wait, give her a deadline for when he will leave and if she misses, he should leave.
This, right here. My DH is really struggling with the loss of control that comes with having a teenager. And his little girl is changing and it's really freaking him out. So he tries to exert more control, and it becomes a constant battle. What I've been working on with him is doing the above. She knows the rules, she knows how to read a clock. Just concentrate on the things you do have control over. If she's not in the car when it's time to go, she walks. Don't argue, don't fight.
Anonymous
10/20/2018 10:24
Subject: DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
Anonymous wrote:If my kid witnesses this situation, came home and told me about it, from the outside it would look to me like the action of an loud mouth, obnoxious abusive jerk. I would think differently about your family and you because I would wonder if you are secretly one of those abused wives. I would also likely repeat the story to others who know you as a subtle way to warn them about your DH. And yes it really only takes the one episode like this . Believe me lots of moms would do something similar.
This is nuts.
Anonymous
10/20/2018 10:14
Subject: Re:DH constantly getting into power struggles with teen DD
Wow your house must be a told shit show in the morning. Hope you kids correct your attitude in the morning.
Nope - I never screamed at them - just probably one too many reminders about the clock for kids who can obviously tell time. Sometimes I have to physically remove a cat from the bed of a teen who is too comfy to get moving. This is what I mean by "pushy and annoying" - I wouldn't yell, kick my kid out of the car and then not talk to them for days on end. The worst I get is an "I KNOW!" back from my son when I tell him that he needs to leave in 2 minutes to make the first bell. Other times of the day, he'll joke about it and give me an exaggerated "I KNOW" in response to an innocuous comment and we can both laugh. I don't need a formal apology.
It probably helps that we have no type A people in the house and we're all dawdlers at times. Sometimes I have to gently remind DH to get out of the house (I telework a lot). Disorganization is not an objectively "bad behavior" - it's not ideal, but there is no ill will involved, and we can't all have perfect children.
My kids have not grown up to be entitled, disrespectful young adults with no sense of responsibility just because I overlooked their morning attitude. My college-aged daughter (also a morning dawdler) goes to classes and work, is perfectly respectful with me, her bosses, her professors, and her customers - she just chooses not to go to class or work at 7:00 am before she's ready to function!