Reply to adopting a child who is the product of rape

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[quote=Anonymous]I didn't read through all the responses, so I apologize if this has already been said, but you have years before you ever need to talk about this to your child.  Of course as you tell your DC his story it will be in an age appropriate manner and this issue may only come up if your DC starts asking about his father (which may never happen).  And, if you are absolutely sure, you could just start with "the details are unclear but your birthmother didn't know your birthfather."

But definitely don't tell unless you're absolutely sure.  I'm not saying that it's typical for birthmothers to lie, but I actually (and personally) know of 2 adoptive situations where the birthmother lied and said she was the product of rape.  In both cases the birthmothers are sweet and nice and great girls (teen and a 20 year old) and only did what they thought they should do at the time.  The first cheated on her boyfriend and didn't want him to break up with her.  Since she was sure she would place the baby for adoption, she thought the easiest route would be to say she was raped.  The second already had 2 kids with her boyfriend and was broken up with him when she found out she was pregnant.  She didn't keep the information from her boyfriend, but didn't want her family to get mad at her for placing the baby - so she said she was raped.  In both cases, the girls eventually ended up telling the truth and why they said that.  Actually one girl had an open adoption and didn't tell the truth until they had their yearly visit with the adoptive family.  At that point, she got back together with her boyfriend - married him actually.  but, only at that yearly visit did she tell them the truth.

My point is only that if the agency is suspicious, they may have reason to be - and it doesn't mean the birthmother is bad or mean or anything - just that there may be circumstances that you're not aware of that might make her say that.

The other thing i want to caution you on is be careful about making sure you do everything possible to make sure the adoption is legally finalized.  I'm not sure, but if the birthmother isn't truthful about the father, he may have some recourse (if it's not rape) to contest the adoption even after its finalized.  I would just caution you (if you haven't already done so) to go throught the procedures of locating a birthfather as if he is just "unknown" instead of "rape."  In the case where the birthmother told my friends at the year visit, they hired a lawyer to get the birthfather's consent and go through the whole process of finalizing the adoption again because he could have contested it any time later.  It was costly and nervewracking for them but it didn't leave any uncertainties.

good luck

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