And I think there's still a case for never telling.

Even assuming, for the sake of argument, that the rape is a known fact I can't see telling this to anyone below the age of at least 21 and maybe later. The vast majority of us just don't have the brain power and maturity to integrate that information until something approximating adulthood.

Anonymous wrote:13:41 But OP is NOT CERTAIN! The rape story could be a fiction, to protect the father. I think unless it can be proven, with a police report or something, why go down this path of a big maybe?

I'm 13:41. I certainly see the point about the lack of certainty but at some point, an adopted child is going to read his/her paperwork and will certainly have questions if the paperwork has social history stuff - you can't hide this stuff, including uncertainty, from a child ultimately.

13:41 But OP is NOT CERTAIN! The rape story could be a fiction, to protect the father. I think unless it can be proven, with a police report or something, why go down this path of a big maybe?

You way want to check out the Center for Adoption Support and Education in MD and VA -- www.adoptionsupport.org -- and speak to a counselor there. Good luck, OP!

The people who are urging OP not to tell the child probably are not adoptive parents. Adoptive Families magazine just had a short article about this very issue (how to tell a child that s/he was conceived because of rape, and other cases involving difficult information). It's not an easy thing but the consensus among adoption professionals is that children should know their whole story, even aspects that are not so wonderful or even downright horrible (in an age-appropriate way) before they hit the teenage years.

Anonymous wrote:How awful. Please don't tell your child, that's probably the meanest thing I've ever heard. You don't sound mature and ready enough to be a parent if you would even consider burdening your child with this guilt. Shame on you, OP. I hope this is a troll because you're just not a nice person.

Stop being mean to ppl. Be nice or stay off.

Anonymous wrote:You are the a-mother. You do not need to tell. Maybe the b-mother will tell.
Worry about it then.
I doubt the agency would pass on information like that if it was a lie. Women really do not need to come up with stories to relinguish a child. It most probably was true because of the b-mother counseling.

As a bmother I need to say something about the first sentence.

When the bmom signs her rights away, she is signing her rights away as the parent. Meaning the parents, the adoptive parents, are the ones who should say anything if anything at all. NOT the bmom. My son whom I relinquished IS the product of rape and when I was interviewing prospective parents, one couple told me they would have me tell him when he is old enough. Um, no way. Yes, I will sit down with him and explain in more detail is he really wants that BUT it needs to come from the people who he trusts and KNOWS to be his parents.

And...I would really hope that he is told the truth one way or the other. Being lied to is the worst feeling ever.

I didn't read through all the responses, so I apologize if this has already been said, but you have years before you ever need to talk about this to your child. Of course as you tell your DC his story it will be in an age appropriate manner and this issue may only come up if your DC starts asking about his father (which may never happen). And, if you are absolutely sure, you could just start with "the details are unclear but your birthmother didn't know your birthfather."

But definitely don't tell unless you're absolutely sure. I'm not saying that it's typical for birthmothers to lie, but I actually (and personally) know of 2 adoptive situations where the birthmother lied and said she was the product of rape. In both cases the birthmothers are sweet and nice and great girls (teen and a 20 year old) and only did what they thought they should do at the time. The first cheated on her boyfriend and didn't want him to break up with her. Since she was sure she would place the baby for adoption, she thought the easiest route would be to say she was raped. The second already had 2 kids with her boyfriend and was broken up with him when she found out she was pregnant. She didn't keep the information from her boyfriend, but didn't want her family to get mad at her for placing the baby - so she said she was raped. In both cases, the girls eventually ended up telling the truth and why they said that. Actually one girl had an open adoption and didn't tell the truth until they had their yearly visit with the adoptive family. At that point, she got back together with her boyfriend - married him actually. but, only at that yearly visit did she tell them the truth.

My point is only that if the agency is suspicious, they may have reason to be - and it doesn't mean the birthmother is bad or mean or anything - just that there may be circumstances that you're not aware of that might make her say that.

The other thing i want to caution you on is be careful about making sure you do everything possible to make sure the adoption is legally finalized. I'm not sure, but if the birthmother isn't truthful about the father, he may have some recourse (if it's not rape) to contest the adoption even after its finalized. I would just caution you (if you haven't already done so) to go throught the procedures of locating a birthfather as if he is just "unknown" instead of "rape." In the case where the birthmother told my friends at the year visit, they hired a lawyer to get the birthfather's consent and go through the whole process of finalizing the adoption again because he could have contested it any time later. It was costly and nervewracking for them but it didn't leave any uncertainties.

good luck

PP...I should clarify, when I used the term "daddy", I was speaking from how your child might perceive things in an emotional moment. Obviously, her birth father will never be a daddy.

I've been thinking about this a lot since I read the OP. Here are my thoughts...and for what it's worth, I have teenage and college-aged kids.

Kids see themselves as a part of their parents. People who work with kids see it in divorced families all the time. When one parent disparages the other, the kids make assumptions like "well, if daddy is bad than I must be bad too".

I know I'm rambling. But my point is, your child could assume that if her daddy is a horrible rapist, then she is somehow "bad" as well. As adults, we know that's ridiculous. However, kids and teens don't think the same way we do.

You don't know for sure whether or not there was a rape. I would simply tell your child that you were not provided information about her birth father.

I think this only needs to come up from the birth mother if your child is asking about their birth father. Otherwise, leave it at you don't know anything about the birth father, he was already out of the picture by the time they were born.

It's true that kids can feel guilty about a lot, and adopted kids already have to deal with the "not being wanted" issue (which I put in quotes because I'm not saying it's true, just something that can be hard to dislodge). My parents got married as teenagers because my mom was pregnant with me and they were miserable terrible parents my whole childhood; I felt very clearly that I wasn't wanted and it took me a long time to get over feeling like I was the reason everyone's lives were all f-ed up.

I am sure you are going to do the best you can to make certain that your child knows they're loved and wanted, and I would leave that part of the story out. It's just too easy to understand viscerally why someone wouldn't want a baby that came from rape, and easier to accept that the baby could have been loved by the birth mother and still given up for valid reasons. (Which is what I imagine you would want your child to internalize.)

I used to work with a woman who was the product of rape.

That knowledge almost destroyed her. Not only did she feel horribly guilty for what her birth mother must have gone through during pregnancy, she felt like "less of a person" (her words) for having been conceived by someone capable of committing such a horrible act.

It controlled her life the entire time I knew her. She often wished she would have just been told that her birth mom wasn't prepared to be a parent, and never named the father.

I was adopted and I *think* I would like to know this kind of information. It's a tough line to walk, OP- wanting to protect your child versus what I think is an adoptee's right to know their history. I guess the thing in this case is that you aren't 100% sure this is true. Tough call...

How awful. Please don't tell your child, that's probably the meanest thing I've ever heard. You don't sound mature and ready enough to be a parent if you would even consider burdening your child with this guilt. Shame on you, OP. I hope this is a troll because you're just not a nice person.