Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't pack your bags just yet. You have two very young kids and that is seriously the worst time ever, especially if any of your kids have sleeping/eating/potty training issues... It can just be a stressful, life-sucking time where you lose your identity and feel like the kids have taken over. It does get better over time.

I guess I'm mostly wondering whether he's really upset about the kids being in existence, period, or whether he wishes he could have some of his old life back because he doesn't feel like he has his own identity anymore. I think the former is more dooming and the latter is completely understandable and changeable.

Does he ever enjoy being around the kids? Does he ever have moments when he's happy he's a father? I agree with the pp who said parenting is like a constant fluctuation between a relentless nightmare and grateful happiness. Usually, for me, the grateful happiness came when dd was sleeping.

But I know I've had my sad and bitter seasons when I've felt like having kids has completely sucked the "me" out of my life, and I resent them for needing to have the whole family's life and schedule rotate around them. Ultimately I've dealt with it and done a pretty damn good job of parenting because I still care about my kids somewhere deep down inside. I just tried to find little ways to also keep my own identity and have my own fun... going out with friends occasionally, having date nights so we can just be a couple sometimes, keeping a hobby... those little things have helped to keep me going and not feeling like I am a mom and mom only.

Sometimes my resentful attitude upset DH just like your DH's attitude is upsetting you... but for me, it wasn't about him. I didn't feel trapped by marriage... I wanted more of a marriage because I felt trapped by children.

It's not like I was going to abandon my kids or divorce or anything drastic... I just felt sad that I couldn't be more selfish with my life. And then I got over it. And then it came back. And now I'm getting over it again.

This didn't work for me. I discovered too late that I didn't like being married and I regretted having children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Family therapy might help or even spending time with families where both parents are warm and engaged.

This is interesting. OP again here - most of his friends are either still single/childless (child free?) and/or unhappy with their own family situations with young children. I need to find some good happy families with young kids. Know any?

Anonymous wrote:Relentless Nightmare PP is right. I love my kids dearly but would not necessarily choose to have them again if I had known what parenting and marriage take. When DH and I both worked life was just a whirlwind of exhaustion and frustration.

Anonymous wrote:
Family therapy might help or even spending time with families where both parents are warm and engaged.

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't deal with the real issue, which is not the fact that his life has changed but that his maturity level has not changed along with it. And the fact that what OP wanted was a family, not just children, and by that I mean a unit where both parents love, support, nurture their children and each other. I feel sorry for OP and sorry for the kids who will figure out, if they haven't already, that dad is more interest in his own unhappiness than in their happiness.

This is so true in my family as well and I did try SAHM to see if it helped. Now trying to figure out finances to get out.

I think before kids you can be a couple without being a family as much. To have someone who sees showing up and kind of resentful minimal caretaking as the same thing as being part of a family is soul crushing for the other family members. You want someone to share your life and gratefulness and joy in your kids. I find we are all happier when it's just me and the kids, the brooding negativity is a drag and a drain.

OP does your husband have close relationships with anyone in his life? Close to any family, long term friends, etc? Any relationships he nurtured, invested in, values? In our case, the answer would be no, and so I can no longer expect that things might change. Am horrified at the example this is setting for the kids and how they may in turn seek out people like this. I'll never forget what a friend once said about her boyfriend, "if only you could understand, like I understand, how hard it is for him to give so little". You value relationships, your husband is using technology and hurtful words to try to avoid them. I am willing to guess that he did not have a close loving family and may have wanted kids so quickly so that they in a sense could meet his needs. But parenting is much more of a relentless giveathon. He feels like he didn't get what he wanted so has pulled back. He doesn't think about the kids as people really, or about wanting to be a good dad.

Family therapy might help or even spending time with families where both parents are warm and engaged. You need to make that his "new normal". Has worked for friends, alas, not in our case. At our house, any minimal improvements are always directed at the kids, never me (the bitch who requests change), and they never last long. It's sad, but it doesn't have to be our daily reality, that is in my hands.

Best to you and your family OP. The kids are watching all the time, your life is their template. Wish I'd learned more about self care and picking well at an early age, but even an old dog can learn new tricks I hope.

OP, go over and read the thread about SAHMS giving up great careers. What is going on in your family is why having a SAHM in the family can be a great thing. My DH hated parenting, too, when the kids were little -- we had twins so it was a ton of work and overwhelming. I stayed home after about 9 months. This enabled DH to focus on his career without limits. He was happier, and I have loved raising my own children. Yes, I gave up a fabulous career that I miss (do it part time, but it's not the same), but our family life would have been Hell if I hadn't. I'd think about it if I were you. And if parenting isn't your thing, either -- well, sorry to be snarky, but why on Earth did you have children together?

Anonymous wrote:Another father here. Anyone in their right mind regrets having kids. It is a relentless nightmare.
I agree that there is not point complaining about it though. You can't push the shit back into the horse, as they say.
Next time he complains just point out that it is only a few more decades before the sweet release of death. Until then he just has to suck it up like the rest of us.