Reply to 3 year old son constantly hurts little brother

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I grew up the younger child in this situation.  Can't tell you how scarring it was.[/quote]

OP here and so did I. That’s why this is so hard.[/quote]

OP I think PP hit the nail on the head. I am the person earlier with the 3 year old DD.

When these things happen your son is escalating his emotions. He can't calm down and gets frustrated so starts to lash out. He's ratcheting things up. When you swoop in crying and freaking out you are escalating and likely freaking him out. Kids don't feel safe when their parents are crying and out of control. I know I said to react and I think you do need to react but not in this way. Your reaction needs to convey that this is unacceptable but that you are in control.

"Larlo, you just pushed Larlito down. He has an ouchey now and he is sad. That was mean and unkind and you need to go sit in timeout (or his room, whatever) alone for 2 minutes or you need to apologize immediately." I always give my daughter this choice, my dad is a psychiatrist and said one of the keys to time outs is that they ARE the punishment, you can't make them apologize after they did time out because, essentially, they did their time.

In the beginning DD would start to escalate and freak out and we would have to strongly and forcefully enforce timeout. Not violently just like, sometimes repeatedly putting her back in the time out spot until she sat for the full decided time. Nowadays its 50/50. Sometimes she genuinely feels bad and wants to apologize and sometimes she wants to go sit in time out to cool down. Sometimes she stays in time out past the timer because she's not ready to rejoin the family and we tell her, "that is fine DD, just take as much time as you need and we will all be here when you're feeling better."

One thing you might not be realizing. Toddlers understand when you're mad at them. I imagine your frustration towards older DD is evident so he generally gets two versions of you. The gritting your teeth on edge waiting for him to screw up version and the crying because he can't stop hurting younger DS version. None of that is positive. When you start to take control of the situation by calmly and without emotion enforcing punishments but by being warm and inclusive and positive at all other times, it will start to work. I know you say you talk about loving family and lift him up but to me this sounds like emotional whiplash for a toddler. We're all FEELING that we LOVE FAMILY or we are FEELING that BABY BROTHER IS IN DANGER or we are FEELING that BABY BROTHER IS ANNOYING or we are FEELING that MOMMY IS MAD AND SAD. You need more structure and confidence to deescalate this entire situation. [/quote]

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