Reply to How to handle--better boundaries or do I just need to let go?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It sounds to me like there already are a plentiful amount of boundaries in place and that perhaps you need fewer, not more.  What further boundaries do you envision other than those already set by your FIL's GF?

If it is so stressful to your FIL's GF to host you then he should begin visiting you more often, either with or without his GF.  Perhaps if she is socializing with your children when she doesn't have the burden of entertaining, she might find it easier.  It does sound like she bears most of the load when they issue invitations to their home.

In the meantime, begin doing more of the asking and hosting.  Your FIL can decide if he wants to take you up on your offer or not.  But don't close the door on him just because you're chafing at his GF's boundary setting.  [/quote]

Good points.  I very much want my kids to have a strong relationship with my FIL.  Generally speaking we have gone to him/them 2-4 times a year since my oldest DC was born.  We have also extended many invitations for FIL to come and in the past he came to visit quite a bit.  My issue with the GF is not that we need better or clearer boundaries from her but rather that I feel my DH, BIL/SIL and I have generally tried to accommodate her every request, to the extent that I think it is beyond reasonable, without setting any boundaries in response.  For example, driving 10+ hours round trip to be told we can’t visit in their home for more than 2-3 hours and sometimes not at all, meaning our only time with FIL is hosting him in our hotel room or meeting at a restaurant.

I certainly don’t feel we can dictate how or when we are at their home but[b] feel like it’s reasonable to say at some point that we don’t feel welcome[/b], rather than just not going anymore at all.  [/quote]

Why do you have to say that?  Why can't you just begin asking your FIL to your house?  My point is that you don't have to make this into a fight or a tug-of-war.  Just begin changing the parameters by asking your FIL to your home more often.  [i]Hey, Dad, why don't you come to Laslo's soccer game on Saturday, stay the night, have breakfast with us and then either head home or go to the pool? [/i] or [i]It is Laslo's birthday on Sunday and we're going to have a little family celebration.  Do you want to come?  You're more than welcome to spend the night Sunday if you don't want to drive home in the dark.[/i] or [i]We haven't seen you in a while.  Would you like to come for the weekend?  The kids would love to take you to the park and we can grab dinner at xxx Saturday night.[/i]  Not everything has to be a fight and not everything has to be you laying down the law.  Just start upping your game by issuing more invitations.[/quote]

I am the OP.  We have issued FIL an open invitation since DC1 was born--meaning we literally said that as long as we had a little notice he could stay any time.  He did this often in the past, without GF.  In the past 2-3 years, we as well as BIL/SIL (who do not live near us, or near FIL/GF) that he visits less and less often, even if given a specific invitation as the ones you are mentioning.  I suspect this is because his vision is not as good and he worries about making the 4-5 hour drive alone each way.  When we have said in the past "we would love to have you here for _____" he has replied "I would love to have you come up here."  I am very much trying not to make this a fight, have never exchanged an unkind word with FIL or GF.  We have issued more invitations and up until DH told FIL that we feel unwelcome he was not taking us up on many.[/quote]

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