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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. My husband speaks to his mother daily and is happy to do so. He loves his mother very much but he is against her bringing him to our house or spending time with him. She is coming to visit for a week next month but he isn't coming. [/quote]

What a horrible thing to do to her.  
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This is terrible. Yes.  I lost a parent recently and the pain is elemental and deep and I can't see it ever ending.. But I think losing a longtime spouse is worse in the every day. Some people grieve by trying to find someone to fill up those days immediately.

[b] Your husband needs to acknowledge that he's not doing what he's doing to not confuse the children. He's doing it to protect himself. That's okay to a degree, but he needs to be careful before he damages his relationship with his mother irrevocabl[/b]y[/quote]

OP, I was the first post in the thread. Please see the bold above. This PP nails it. Your DH and BIL can decide they aren't thrilled about the boyfriend, but they need to be much more honest with themselves about WHY.

You mention earlier in a reply that you feel this man "swooped in." I don't see how that fits with the statement in your original post that he was a family friend (of both MIL and your late FIL, right?). She didn't get picked up at the senior center barn dance or in the produce aisle of the grocery store by a stranger; this is someone she already knew while FIL was alive. So "swooping in" seems like an overreaction here.

Have you actually met this man? Have DH and BIL met him, or if they've met, have they spent more than 10 minutes around him, maybe while your FIL was still alive, at some gathering back at the parents' home--? I would wager that DH and BIL don't know this man at all and are assuming he's a player.

Please note -- I said in my first post here that [i]he may indeed be playing her,[/i] or going after her business, etc. But I still think that your DH and BIL are totally helping that happen, if that's what he has in mind, by not seeing their mom. It's good that DH talks to her daily, but the whole "we have kids and don't want your boyfriend around them" excuse is both cold and a fake front for the real problem, which may be that DH and BIL can't bear to think of their mom (1) "cheating" on dad's memory and (2) actually having sex.

What stops DH from going to visit his mother without the kids along? He could meet the guy there and get to know him, and talk with his mother alone to get a read on how she's doing. Phone calls cannot give a person the body language and tone that you get from seeing someone. He needs to see them together so he can see if they seem normal and happy or if MIL seems like this man "runs" her now.

What stops DH from inviting her to come and saying it's up to her if she wants to bring the boyfriend, but they'll need to get a hotel room, and you'll help her locate one close to you? That eliminates the whole "sharing a bed under our roof" issue, if that's something on DH's mind.

But just playing the high moral card that a widow shouldn't be dating "so soon," or acting like phone calls alone are going to help them read mom's real situation--that's all very short-sighted. DH and BIL will end up regretting it, whether the outcome is that mom focuses on her new boyfriend/husband and no longer sees the grandkids much, or whether the outcome is that mom loses savings or her business to a player.

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