Your husband and his brother are acting like petulant children.

OP here. I can't do anything about my brother in law but this is basically what I've gathered from his reaction:

1) extremely angry, hasn't yet come to terms with FIL passing
2) has been driving by MIL house to see if her bf is there
3) went to use her bathroom and saw his razor and absolutely lost his mind
4) hasn't seen her in 3 months.

I don't know why exactly - it may be because she tried to keep the relationship a secret to avoid hurting them but I think it backfired.

OP here. She isn't my mother so I'm not overstepping and giving my two cents about most of this. I'm just letting some of the rawness defuse. I'm being nothing but nice to her.

About the swooping - my MIL's mother mentioned he has always had a crush on her and that my MIL has in the past called him "odd, weird". I am being 100% protective of her when I question how this relationship developed and why. She is a grown woman and I personally won't question her choices to her face.

My husband has made it no secret that he doesn't love this arrangement but it's her life and she can do what she wants. We aren't comfortable with a man we barely know coming and staying in our house.

"Family friend" is just an easy way to explain in a short paragraph but he's a handy man and did odd jobs around my in laws house for 20 years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband speaks to his mother daily and is happy to do so. He loves his mother very much but he is against her bringing him to our house or spending time with him. She is coming to visit for a week next month but he isn't coming.

What a horrible thing to do to her.

This is terrible. Yes. I lost a parent recently and the pain is elemental and deep and I can't see it ever ending.. But I think losing a longtime spouse is worse in the every day. Some people grieve by trying to find someone to fill up those days immediately.

Your husband needs to acknowledge that he's not doing what he's doing to not confuse the children. He's doing it to protect himself. That's okay to a degree, but he needs to be careful before he damages his relationship with his mother irrevocably

OP, I was the first post in the thread. Please see the bold above. This PP nails it. Your DH and BIL can decide they aren't thrilled about the boyfriend, but they need to be much more honest with themselves about WHY.

You mention earlier in a reply that you feel this man "swooped in." I don't see how that fits with the statement in your original post that he was a family friend (of both MIL and your late FIL, right?). She didn't get picked up at the senior center barn dance or in the produce aisle of the grocery store by a stranger; this is someone she already knew while FIL was alive. So "swooping in" seems like an overreaction here.

Have you actually met this man? Have DH and BIL met him, or if they've met, have they spent more than 10 minutes around him, maybe while your FIL was still alive, at some gathering back at the parents' home--? I would wager that DH and BIL don't know this man at all and are assuming he's a player.

Please note -- I said in my first post here that he may indeed be playing her, or going after her business, etc. But I still think that your DH and BIL are totally helping that happen, if that's what he has in mind, by not seeing their mom. It's good that DH talks to her daily, but the whole "we have kids and don't want your boyfriend around them" excuse is both cold and a fake front for the real problem, which may be that DH and BIL can't bear to think of their mom (1) "cheating" on dad's memory and (2) actually having sex.

What stops DH from going to visit his mother without the kids along? He could meet the guy there and get to know him, and talk with his mother alone to get a read on how she's doing. Phone calls cannot give a person the body language and tone that you get from seeing someone. He needs to see them together so he can see if they seem normal and happy or if MIL seems like this man "runs" her now.

What stops DH from inviting her to come and saying it's up to her if she wants to bring the boyfriend, but they'll need to get a hotel room, and you'll help her locate one close to you? That eliminates the whole "sharing a bed under our roof" issue, if that's something on DH's mind.

But just playing the high moral card that a widow shouldn't be dating "so soon," or acting like phone calls alone are going to help them read mom's real situation--that's all very short-sighted. DH and BIL will end up regretting it, whether the outcome is that mom focuses on her new boyfriend/husband and no longer sees the grandkids much, or whether the outcome is that mom loses savings or her business to a player.

Similar situation in my family. My father and his siblings went so far as to block my grandfather from seeing his gf. My grandfather had known her most of his adult life. After my grandmother died he was lonely. He started seeing this woman who the whole family knew. She was a nice (if honestly a bit odd) person. After my grandfather started bringing her around more my father and his sibs stopped seeing him unless he was alone. No one was allowed to say her name around them or risk being shunned (fwiw this was stupid and none of us cared). When he got sick my father and his sibs barred her from seeing him. I’m pretty sure he died very angry at them. We—the grandkids and other extended family could not believe what they did.

Here is my attitude—-Life ife is short. Happiness is key.

Your DH and you need to be loving to your MIL. She can come and bring any friend she wants. Confusing my ass.

If your DH doesn't want her sexing him under your roof, then ask them to get a hotel.

Keep your MIL close as she goes through this. Do not isolate her and cut her off. Maybe the PI thing is a good idea.

Anonymous wrote:My mother in law is a very nice person. She lost her husband, my father in law, in a sudden way last year and I think it has left a "scar" of trauma to her life. She won't even go to the mall because they used to go there. Or Costco. Well, 7 months after his passing she started spending time with a family friend and now they are dating. Like going on trips together and sleeping over dating. We no longer live near her so part of me is glad she has someone to spend time with. Another part of me is wondering if this guy is an opportunist. I know I can't butt in but it's making everyone act strangely. My husband's brother hasnt seen her in 3 months over it. My husband has told her she can't come to visit with him because it's too confusing for the kids. I feel like I'm watching it from the outside.. and I feel like she has become very dependant on this man and I'm worried. He spends all day with her it seems. She owns a business and I'm not sure what he does all day.

You guys are being incredibly shitty to your MIL.

It's not confusing for the kids.

You don't know this man very well, and you are assuming all kinds of bad things about him. He's a family friend, not some random dude she met online. She's probably known him for years. She's lonely. She found someone to spend time with after a terrible loss. You guys might not admit it, but you just don't want her to "replace" her husband, and that's not fair to her. Your husband needs to deal with his grief head-on, not take it out on his mother.

By the way, if you want to ensure that she ends up truly dependent on this guy, be sure to exclude him from your family and continue to punish her. Also, if you ever see something actually worrisome about their relationship, you now have no standing and no credibility to raise it with her. On the other hand, if you had treated this person with kindness and respect, then if you saw something that was really troubling, you might have been able to talk about it with her.

Anonymous wrote:
OP, your husband and his brother are extremely unwise to cut their mom off like this.

Here's why: If -- and it's only an "if" -- this man is an opportunist who intends to raid her bank accounts or get her house or whatever, there is no better way for him to worm his way into her life than by saying, "Look! Your own sons have cut you off even though you were widowed--wow, it's good you have me to rely on!" DH and BIL are practically writing that script for him with their decisions to stop seeing mom.

Your DH and BIL would do far better to see and contact their mom MORE and not less. First, they should stay in closer contact and visit because doing so would simply be kind, considering the loss that all of them have sustained. Second, they should do it because if they seem to have abandoned her, she will become more reliant on the boyfriend for all attention and affection, and she will be much more vulnerable to anything he suggests to her.

The brothers also have no idea (unless they know more than you mention in your post--?) whether this might be a good guy. You say he was a family friend; it's possible that he knows her very well and has for years, and that he is sincere in his attentions. But you don't seem to know "what he does all day" or much else about him. You'll never know, and will always have to assume the worst as your DH and BIL are doing now, if you don't stay close enough to MIL's situation for her to TALK to you, DH and BIL.

Isn't it likely that DH and BIL are angry with their mom for daring to start dating just seven months after their dad died? I've seen adult children revert to furious, petulant kids over widowed parents who date, even longer after the death than your MIL started. It might help if DH can admit that he's angry not just about her seeing this man but about her seeing any man at all, and if DH can then be self-aware enough to stow those feelings and resume contact with his mom. If the guy is truly kind towards MIL, then MIL has gained a gem; if the guy is on the make and trying to get her business or whatever, MIL is not going to see it in time--especially if she feels forced into this guy's arms even more because her sons have stopped seeing her.

DH and BIL are playing the role here of the parents who say to the daughter, "Don't you dare see Romeo!" It only makes him more attractive to her, to be told it's not appropriate. And it only makes her want to defend him. These brothers are helping to set mom up either to exit their lives (which would be sad) or to be scammed.

OP listen to the Dirty John podcast. This man was an opportunist. "IF"

If he's not then at least your mom will have support.

...the conclusion to the above was my tenuous relationship with that sib was ruined. BF visited her daily in nursing homes etc while the objecting sib rarely visited even though it lived nearby.

Anonymous wrote:My mother in law is a very nice person. She lost her husband, my father in law, in a sudden way last year and I think it has left a "scar" of trauma to her life. She won't even go to the mall because they used to go there. Or Costco. Well, 7 months after his passing she started spending time with a family friend and now they are dating. Like going on trips together and sleeping over dating. We no longer live near her so part of me is glad she has someone to spend time with. Another part of me is wondering if this guy is an opportunist. I know I can't butt in but it's making everyone act strangely. My husband's brother hasnt seen her in 3 months over it. My husband has told her she can't come to visit with him because it's too confusing for the kids. I feel like I'm watching it from the outside.. and I feel like she has become very dependant on this man and I'm worried. He spends all day with her it seems. She owns a business and I'm not sure what he does all day.

I was in your position only it was my surviving parent who developed a close friendship that developed into a serious BF. Research him. Does he have grown children? I assume he's retired? From what? If there are no financial repercussions to your MIL and he doesn't deprecate the deceased father/grandfather and your MIL has good companionship THEN accept this man as you would a nice BF/GF of ANY family member.

It's traumatic to lose your partner of [I assume] multiple decades. No getting around it. I'm in such a marriage. Well MIL isn't dead - her husband is- time to be mature adults and recognize FIL/father is not returning. Honestly if they can't even eat in a restaurant or have dinner with MIL and her BF this is truly odd. BTDT with my sib behaving in such a fashion.

So mean to the MIL on the part of her kids. Honestly what do people expect?

Grandma is a grown up. She is allowed to date. By refusing to acknowledge this guy your entire family is treating grandma like a 12 year old.

It's ok to have uncomfortable feelings about a new partner. But it's not ok to attempt to control Grandma's choices of partner with emotional manipulation (not visiting her for THREE MONTHS?!). That's the way toxic families do things. Do you want to be a toxic family?

Just a thought, maybe OP’s DH needs to see a grief counselor. My MIL recently passed away, and my DH just could not handle the grief, sadness, and reality even though she had been terminally ill for a long time and we knew it was coming. It’s been a few months and finally I convinced my DH to see one at the Wendt Center (don’t know if OP is local).

Death affects people in so many ways, and I can imagine the death of a parent is horrible. It is unfair to manipulate and punish the MIL to stay single because the grown children are not ready. This could have serious implications down the line. Please consider having DH talk to someone, at least he can have more peace of mind.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor grandma. As if losing her husband wasn't enough.

This. Why on earth are you punishing this poor woman?

+2

I think it's wonderful that she's dating, and her sons seem incredibly selfish to be trying to manipulate her into breaking up with him. You sound like a good person, OP. Talk some sense into your husband and BIL. I would give anything for my MIL to date like this. Her husband passed away 10 years ago, and her sons are the only men in her life. It's exhausting.

I am in agreement with those saying that your husband and his brother are being very cruel to their mother.

I went through something similar about ten years ago. MIL died, and within a few months FIL was dating. This woman was a widow, but when her husband was alive they were part of the same social circle for decades.
My husband and some of his siblings tried to be open minded, but one of the sisters was incredibly nasty about the whole situation--similar to what your husband and brother are doing.


FWIW, FIL and this woman married about a year and a half after MIL died, and a decade later they are still married.