Reply to My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Find a different childcare arrangement.   Help your parents apply for low income housing and find other jobs.  If your brother does move to the area, it's unreasonable to think you will be able to keep him away from your kids if your kids are in your parents care regularly.[/quote]

Boundaries are key when dealing with this level of mental illness.

Your parents are incapable of setting them with your brother; honestly you have issues too since you were paying for their rent even before you knew all the money was gone (or you were taking their free childcare? Either way, holidays and family dinners)

You can't keep them from their son, so you must get your own childcare and have them find assisted housing.  I would have then pursue bankruptcy as well; that will help them prioritize and maybe enforce their limitations on what they give your brother.

You do not want to the one paying rent (are you on the lease?) for the place where your brother lives; as a loose cannon you could be liable for damage etc.

Al-anon stat. [/quote]

My parents are giving me free childcare -- I pay for them to live rent free while they watch my kids.  I guess I didn't make that clear enough before -- they are being paid in kind with free rent, and I get the bonus of having my nice parents care for my kids.  I can certainly hire an au pair or nanny to care for my children, but I can't afford to also pay for my parents' rent if I do that.  I am not that wealthy.  I realize that if my brother moves out here I wil lnot be able to stop him being around my parents, which means it would no longer be acceptable for my parents to provide childcare for my kids.  I've told them that.  I want to prevent him moving here at almost any cost, but I am not willing to pay off his debts unless he gets in a treatment program.[/quote]

I got it, OP, and I think PPs did as well. The very sad and frustrating reality for you is that you will have to create boundaries with your parents. No other previous attempts to get your brother do something else than exactly what he wants to do has succeeded. If he's thinking about moving to the area--being homeless there's really nothing keeping him where he is--I think you need to prepare yourself with the assumption that he WILL move to the area.
When that happens, there will be no meaningful barrier between your children and him, because he will of course gravitate to your parents' apartment. This means the current financial arrangement you have for childcare will no longer work, and you will have to go to a new arrangement.
PPs have suggested you assist you help your parents find low income senior housing. This would be great because it would help take care of their housing, since you will now have to put funds into an au pair, and hopefully there will be restrictions on the housing that prevent the brother from moving in with them.
The actions that you need to take are incredibly hard and painful, but they are also really straightforward.
You brother has been making destructive decisions all his life, and only he will have the power to change it.
Your parents have also been making destructive decisions throughout his life through their enabling, and again, only they have the power to change it.
The ONLY think you have power over in this situation is the protection of your children. That is not only in your power, it is your absolutely primary responsibility. They do not have free agency in this situation, only the adults. You must protect them.
Al-Anon today.[/quote]

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