Reply to My 30 something brother is homeless and is ruining everyone's lives

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What is your parents' response if you say exactly this to them? Ie straight up voicing that you don't know what to do, because given his substance issues you are NOT okay with your brother being around your kids...and you just cannot afford to both pay for this apartment and a separate childcare provider?

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They say that they're sure my brother could get a job if he moved out here and afford his own apartment.  And by the way, wouldn't it be OK for my brother just to visit during the day and chat with family and the kids.

That's their response (we all know that he couldn't get an apartment with his credit, and that he has never held a job for longer than 3 months).  I've told them that I love my brother and them, but that I can't have him around my children.  And that if he is around my children, I will have to get an au pair or nanny to watch the children and that I wouldn't be able to afford paying their rent.  They just don't acknowledge the reality and think everything will work out.[/quote]

OP, I think you need to go ahead and find other childcare arrangements for your children because this actually sounds like they aren't going to respect your desire for your brother to not interact with your children. Your number 1 priority has to be that your kids are not exposed to your brother. Because it does not sound like they even know him which is stressful enough. But there is a reason why many addicts end up losing custody of their kids.

I grew up with an uncle that had similar issues. He also did the using tuition money for drugs. My grandparents let him live with them his entire life and in addition to that he periodically would steal random stuff/money from them. But it didn't get to your parents level because they were very wealthy. My grandparents would also try to force the rest of the family to pretend he wasn't on drugs. The only memories I have of him during my childhood are him having random rages about stupid stuff on christmas, being high as a kite at a family reunion, and arguing with my mother about having stolen her wedding silver at thanksgiving.  My cousin, his son, has told me that one of his only early childhood memories is finding him passed out in the gutter near their house.  Do not expose your children to that. And btw the approach that your parents are doing is actually what my grandparents did and it does not work.  my uncle is still on drugs as an adult in his late 60s.

I agree with PP that said you should get your parents into low income senior housing that your brother is not able to live in. You also should not pay your parents rent if he is going to be living with them. There's actually a number of decent low income senior housing in Montgomery county. And I think there might be a few places in Arlington County. Additionally, I think you may be able to get your parents a social worker that deals with elderly folks.

Stay strong and please seek out support for yourself. [/quote]

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