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[quote=Anonymous]OP - I agree with others who suggested you see a therapist to process this a bit more.

Interestingly, I have a bit of a similar current situation with my Mom, but with additional complications. I'm in my 40s and right now we just superficially tolerate one another. It really sucks.

My young childhood was pretty great. In middle school, however, my Mom started having recovered memories of sexual abuse, there was a lot of secrecy about what was going on. A hospitalization. Lots of me seeing Mom crying uncontrollably or me being asked to "watch" my Mom while my Dad took care of something. Lots of times Dad would take Mom out for a "break" while leaving us home alone. I was 12 years old and had no idea what was going on.

As a teenager I was really resentful of my parents. They also verbally argued a lot and I would intercede to defend my father who I always thought she was treating horribly. Then both would turn as an allied force against ME. I became the problem in the family then. Meanwhile, I was on the honor role, played sports, had an after school job. I didn't drink, smoke or have sex in HS. But I was still the "bad" kid.

It's really hard to get past all of this and have a healthy relationship with your parents as an adult. When I shared my anger and resentment years ago, my Mom was incredibly offended and has never let me live it down. It's still constantly thrown in my face that I thought she was a "bad mother" (though I never said that). Geez, I was a kid in a chaotic household who had no idea what was going on and no empathy for that experience at all.

Anyway - best advice I ever got was to rise beyond all of that. To not let my Mom drag me backwards. Not let her keep rehashing old disagreements or misunderstandings of one another. Don't let her drag you down into the mud. The best thing is good boundaries and give yourself the love and understanding that she wasn't ever able to provide. She just can't do it and likely will never do it - getting your arms around that will require a grieving process for the relationship you hope to have with her.

It's very sad and very frustrating, but you can only do what you can for yourself. You can't fix everyone or every relationship.

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