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Parenting -- Special Concerns
Reply to "If your teen suddenly announces s/he is transgender..."
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[quote=Anonymous]NP here. As a parent of a latter-teen trans kid, I have to say neither side of the debate above represents my family's experience. First, I do agree the gender identity movement had been caught up with political and ideological issues bearing little relation to the fundamental reality of being trans -- feeling completely like you are the opposite gender of your genetelia and that every thing society requires of you because of your birth gemder assignment feels painfully, embarassingly, humilIating. Second, I can only try to empathize with what my child experienced -- I can't walk in DC's shoes. But I bore witness to years of screaming, crying, fights over what to wear, where to shop, lies about things not fitting right because D.C. Was too young to even have the vocabulary to discuss being transgender, and more years when he had the vocabulary but knew how upsetting it would be to a parent and he hid it -- or thought he was hiding it -- from us. Third, I accept that there may be gender therapists who see their jobs as just being supportive to a child although I found that insufficient to help a kid figure it out. Most therapists don't know what to do if they are honest. But I don't accept they can be responsible for a parent's regretful decision to allow a child to start hormones, surgery, puberty blockers, etc. When our child came out we affirmed we loved him and would "support" him -- that did not mean do what DC says he wants necessarily at that time -- that meant months of dialogue questioning, trying to understand, but also challenging DC's thoughts. We later spent months interviewing potential therapists (just as parents). Then came months of therapy before anything else. Next was coming out at school - gradually and then totally -- before medical Interventions. Fourth -- furtility preservation. Early puberty made this possible. Earlier for physical girls than for boys, but more intrusive and painful and costly, but it can be done I believe for both genders after puberty. Whether to allow puberty to take hold is a tougher call, but thread above misleadingly assumes the debate is pre-puberty transition or wait until adulthood. There is a middle ground. Hormones can follow. I understand at least some leading hospital clinics now have this as part of their protocol to discuss -- not so a few years ago - should be best practice soon if not already at major hospital based clinics. It wasn't when we went through thiis some years ago, but we are parents. We asked questions before authorizing any treatment . Fifth, the adult writer about trans trends in the link above probably would have been much happier if he could have transitioned fully as a young person. My teen will have at least some high school memories as the person DC is --after transitioning -- not hiding in a corner seen as weird boy or weird girl. Almost no one who meets DC now has any idea DC is trans based on appearance. Sixth -- tying back to one above. If you view this as medical and not a matter of identity by preference, lot of the political noise and the explosion in the trans trend starts to fade away or at least greatly diminish. Real trans people don't seem to detransition -- these are people who probably were never trans in the first place but acting prematurely. But it isn't as simple as over 18 or under 18. A phase doesn't last 5 years. It is scary as a parent - there is no definitive test -- but take it slow, look at all the evidence, talk as openly as you and the kid can handle -- that buys some time until you have to decide. But sometimes the right decision is still under 18. Yes, it is a scary life altering thing to move forward physically. But it is also true that time marches on, and no one gets to do high school and their later teen young adult years over again. This is not an area for the dabbling how should I identify; but where there is strong evidence pointing overwhelmingly one way and the choices are spiraling down a rabbit hole or moving forward with what a thoughtful teen desparately wants consistent with multiple assessments, you take the step. I have only empathy for any parent dealing with this; it is tough stuff. But my kid is happier now and healthier than most DC's age. DC has many friends, flirts like other straight teens of DC's gender, has done better in school to have this cloud lifted from the teen years, etc. I am not worried at age 25 DC will wake up and say shoot, I was wrong , should never have done that. But God forbid somehow that happened, I feel good that we did everything possible to make the best judgment we could to set DC's life in order to thrive and be happy. i would not regret the decisions made. [/quote]
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