Reply to Oppositional Defiant Disorder: losing my MIND, need a good thearapist/DX

Forum Index » Kids With Special Needs and Disabilities

Reply to "Oppositional Defiant Disorder: losing my MIND, need a good thearapist/DX"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, my child was also extremely difficult starting around age 2-3 and really traumatically difficult 4-6.  He was similar to yours in that he was fine if he had total control of his environment--in fact he was quite independent and able to entertain himself. He had a great imagination and could be excited and happy to the extreme. But any transition threw him off and he didn't have the resources to deal with the big feelings. He was more of a meltdown kid than a tantrum kid but, like yours, he basically resisted every instruction. It really seemed like he was unable to take input/guidance/suggestions from another person. He was actually much worse at school than yours... he wasn't disruptive but totally self-absorbed and resistant. And unhappy!

We started weekly therapy when he was 4 and did it non-stop year-round until he was 8 or so. He was first diagnosed with generalized anxiety and eventually at age 6 with severe ADHD. I had to work a lot with the therapist myself to understand how to parent my son... and I read pretty much every book suggested in this thread and more. As others have said: TONS of structure, total consistency, simple rules and crystal clear expectations, advanced warning for (each and every!!!) transition--these were all critical and incredibly effective. They seem both "too easy" and like "too much work" ... I rolled my eyes at first and thought alternately "I already do that!" and "I can't give him a warning  before every single XYZ" but ... well, we trained ourselves and it was shockingly effective. Basically this, friendly gentle voice: "Son, five minutes till we leave"... "son, one minute till we leave" ... "okay we leave... if any hesitation, immediately pick up kid and go". Gentle advance noticed and absolute enforcement are totally critical--zero negotiation. I had to follow through on EVERY RULE, every warning, and do so immediately. With things clearly more anxiety-based like refusing to go inside a birthday party... you take a different approach. A lot of support, a lot of positive talk,  but always challenging kid to complete task. It may feel worse for a few days but it is INCREDIBLY reassuring to an anxious or adhd child to actually know what is coming and then succeed in getting through it. My son hates learning a new routine but once he accepts it, it is very comforting for him!

We have done a lot to work with this kid, but I want to tell you how incredibly worth it all the effort has been. From the beginning, for me, what killed me the most was how deeply unhappy my son was. Like he wasn't being given a chance to have a childhood! I am so relieved and happy to report that he is, at age 12, totally different. Or rather... what we have now is overwhelmingly his positive qualities and rarely the negative ones. But it took a ton of intervention and work from the whole family to get him here... to get him feeling comfortable with himself and happy most of the time. And, probably only you can understand how amazing this is to me, but my child is totally cooperative now. The defiance was so tied into his miserable feelings and unhappiness, his out-of-control feelings and need to regain control. Once he felt better about himself, he was totally receptive to instruction. It is taken years, but he is such a wonderful kid, so empathetic to others, and ... who knows, maybe stronger for his struggles.

Please get help, OP. It will be hard but it will make your life, and that of your child, so much better.
[/quote]

OP here. THANK YOU so much for this extremely thoughtful post. So much of what you say resonates with me. Even down to the fierce independence and creativity and imagination. My son is a really talentef artist and is always deep involved in some sort of artwork and had always been able to happily play alone. Compared to my other child, his imagination blows me away. Even though right now i feel like we are in a dark pit, there are still so many beautiful qualities he has.

To those of you who recommended the Kazdin book, i purchased it last night on audible and am already 7hrs into the 10hr book. It has inspired me and I've immediately incorporated changes in my reaction to my son. The book has been like a punch to the gut. Everything that worked perfectly with my 1st child has been a miserable failure with my second and what Kazdin says makes so much sense. I feel like this needs to be broken down and tackled one small piece at a time. I feel renewed.

I so desire to transform my relationship with my son and most of all I want him to be happy with himself because when he told me he feels sad inside because hes always mad, that really made me realize there is something much bigger here than a behavior peoblem and the skills i have from first parenting a happy easy going child dors NOT work on my youngest. Looking forward for getring helo for him and us and looking forward to my older child to not have to be exposed to so much turmoil because it saddens me to think that one day they might hate each other.

Anyways,  im rambling, but thanks.

Oh and P.S. on the FASD, nice touch![/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics