Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son is very difficult, but more so at school. Is there any difference between school and home? Is he always angry? What keeps him calm and happy?

For my son, the neuropsych testing was not very helpful as we already knew that anxiety and ADHD were driving him. Even with his behaviors, he is not considered odd. Medication was key (Zoloft first, then added Concerta). We have also had success with a social skills group (Alvord and Baker) and family therapy. However, individual therapy is still not something he is ready for- he is 9. It ends up being too much of what he hates- talking about his feelings.

He is great at school and from what I read on ODD that can be quite typical. He is not angry when he is doing what he wants, but the SECOND my DH or I ask him to do something even minor he meltdown. Hes happy as can br as long as hes dictating the shots. Hang your backpack up results in rage. He gets irritated at the most minor of things. Today was the way his brother was breathing (allergies and stuffy).

So, we walk on eggshells. Tonight in order to get him in the shower, i didn't ask him to get in the shower, i coaxed him upstairs and into the bathroom ans then asked him to get in thr shower. A tantrum ensued, but at least we were in the bathroom, not downstairs, which getring up the stairs for a shower is half the battle. We basicslly operate around him. It is is mentally taxing. I love my son, but im ashamed to admit, im beginning to not like him very much.

Hugs to you. I'm so sorry. This sounds so much like my son. It is exhausting. With kids who are oppositional, there is no positive feedback to keep you going through the rough stuff, and it drains your soul.

All I can tell you is that with time our DS is beginning to mature (he is 14) and the tantrums and compliance issues don't come quite as often now. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety and the concerta made a huge difference in his mood, even more than the Zoloft.

We go to Kennedy Krieger. A large part of therapy is teaching parents how to react, not teaching the kids how to behave. Learning to ignore or respond with equilibrium is key (and that is very difficult, I know). And not to ever get into arguments. Consistency - don't let your guard down and think, well this one time I can give in because he's been such a dear the past few hours. They need to know what to expect. For example, I learned to go in and turn off the computer if DS didn't get off the first time I asked. Didn't give him multiple warnings, I just went in and said, time's up. After a few times of that, and losing progress in games he was playing (and yes, a few meltdowns), he is now much more likely to get off as soon as I walk into the room. He still rarely gets off if I ask from another room, but this is progress.

Lots of praise when he does something right or the first time you ask. Lots and lots and lots of praise. Tell him all the things he's doing right. Give him big rewards.

Good luck. Make sure you take some time for yourself to recharge.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The one key thing is that the behavior is only at home. When the teachers give a demand, he is okay. That indicates that it is a home issue. Sounds like family counseling needs to come first.

.

Actually this isn't true. Many kids with issues (ADHD/-anxiety, etc) hold it together at school even though it's extremely hard for them , they are mentally and physically done - no gas in the tank- when they get home and then things can get rough

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son is very difficult, but more so at school. Is there any difference between school and home? Is he always angry? What keeps him calm and happy?

For my son, the neuropsych testing was not very helpful as we already knew that anxiety and ADHD were driving him. Even with his behaviors, he is not considered odd. Medication was key (Zoloft first, then added Concerta). We have also had success with a social skills group (Alvord and Baker) and family therapy. However, individual therapy is still not something he is ready for- he is 9. It ends up being too much of what he hates- talking about his feelings.

He is great at school and from what I read on ODD that can be quite typical. He is not angry when he is doing what he wants, but the SECOND my DH or I ask him to do something even minor he meltdown. Hes happy as can br as long as hes dictating the shots. Hang your backpack up results in rage. He gets irritated at the most minor of things. Today was the way his brother was breathing (allergies and stuffy).

So, we walk on eggshells. Tonight in order to get him in the shower, i didn't ask him to get in the shower, i coaxed him upstairs and into the bathroom ans then asked him to get in thr shower. A tantrum ensued, but at least we were in the bathroom, not downstairs, which getring up the stairs for a shower is half the battle. We basicslly operate around him. It is is mentally taxing. I love my son, but im ashamed to admit, im beginning to not like him very much.

Anonymous wrote:The one key thing is that the behavior is only at home. When the teachers give a demand, he is okay. That indicates that it is a home issue. Sounds like family counseling needs to come first.

Anonymous wrote:OP, my child was also extremely difficult starting around age 2-3 and really traumatically difficult 4-6. He was similar to yours in that he was fine if he had total control of his environment--in fact he was quite independent and able to entertain himself. He had a great imagination and could be excited and happy to the extreme. But any transition threw him off and he didn't have the resources to deal with the big feelings. He was more of a meltdown kid than a tantrum kid but, like yours, he basically resisted every instruction. It really seemed like he was unable to take input/guidance/suggestions from another person. He was actually much worse at school than yours... he wasn't disruptive but totally self-absorbed and resistant. And unhappy!

We started weekly therapy when he was 4 and did it non-stop year-round until he was 8 or so. He was first diagnosed with generalized anxiety and eventually at age 6 with severe ADHD. I had to work a lot with the therapist myself to understand how to parent my son... and I read pretty much every book suggested in this thread and more. As others have said: TONS of structure, total consistency, simple rules and crystal clear expectations, advanced warning for (each and every!!!) transition--these were all critical and incredibly effective. They seem both "too easy" and like "too much work" ... I rolled my eyes at first and thought alternately "I already do that!" and "I can't give him a warning before every single XYZ" but ... well, we trained ourselves and it was shockingly effective. Basically this, friendly gentle voice: "Son, five minutes till we leave"... "son, one minute till we leave" ... "okay we leave... if any hesitation, immediately pick up kid and go". Gentle advance noticed and absolute enforcement are totally critical--zero negotiation. I had to follow through on EVERY RULE, every warning, and do so immediately. With things clearly more anxiety-based like refusing to go inside a birthday party... you take a different approach. A lot of support, a lot of positive talk, but always challenging kid to complete task. It may feel worse for a few days but it is INCREDIBLY reassuring to an anxious or adhd child to actually know what is coming and then succeed in getting through it. My son hates learning a new routine but once he accepts it, it is very comforting for him!

We have done a lot to work with this kid, but I want to tell you how incredibly worth it all the effort has been. From the beginning, for me, what killed me the most was how deeply unhappy my son was. Like he wasn't being given a chance to have a childhood! I am so relieved and happy to report that he is, at age 12, totally different. Or rather... what we have now is overwhelmingly his positive qualities and rarely the negative ones. But it took a ton of intervention and work from the whole family to get him here... to get him feeling comfortable with himself and happy most of the time. And, probably only you can understand how amazing this is to me, but my child is totally cooperative now. The defiance was so tied into his miserable feelings and unhappiness, his out-of-control feelings and need to regain control. Once he felt better about himself, he was totally receptive to instruction. It is taken years, but he is such a wonderful kid, so empathetic to others, and ... who knows, maybe stronger for his struggles.

Please get help, OP. It will be hard but it will make your life, and that of your child, so much better.

Anonymous wrote:OP, my child was also extremely difficult starting around age 2-3 and really traumatically difficult 4-6. He was similar to yours in that he was fine if he had total control of his environment--in fact he was quite independent and able to entertain himself. He had a great imagination and could be excited and happy to the extreme. But any transition threw him off and he didn't have the resources to deal with the big feelings. He was more of a meltdown kid than a tantrum kid but, like yours, he basically resisted every instruction. It really seemed like he was unable to take input/guidance/suggestions from another person. He was actually much worse at school than yours... he wasn't disruptive but totally self-absorbed and resistant. And unhappy!

We started weekly therapy when he was 4 and did it non-stop year-round until he was 8 or so. He was first diagnosed with generalized anxiety and eventually at age 6 with severe ADHD. I had to work a lot with the therapist myself to understand how to parent my son... and I read pretty much every book suggested in this thread and more. As others have said: TONS of structure, total consistency, simple rules and crystal clear expectations, advanced warning for (each and every!!!) transition--these were all critical and incredibly effective. They seem both "too easy" and like "too much work" ... I rolled my eyes at first and thought alternately "I already do that!" and "I can't give him a warning before every single XYZ" but ... well, we trained ourselves and it was shockingly effective. Basically this, friendly gentle voice: "Son, five minutes till we leave"... "son, one minute till we leave" ... "okay we leave... if any hesitation, immediately pick up kid and go". Gentle advance noticed and absolute enforcement are totally critical--zero negotiation. I had to follow through on EVERY RULE, every warning, and do so immediately. With things clearly more anxiety-based like refusing to go inside a birthday party... you take a different approach. A lot of support, a lot of positive talk, but always challenging kid to complete task. It may feel worse for a few days but it is INCREDIBLY reassuring to an anxious or adhd child to actually know what is coming and then succeed in getting through it. My son hates learning a new routine but once he accepts it, it is very comforting for him!

We have done a lot to work with this kid, but I want to tell you how incredibly worth it all the effort has been. From the beginning, for me, what killed me the most was how deeply unhappy my son was. Like he wasn't being given a chance to have a childhood! I am so relieved and happy to report that he is, at age 12, totally different. Or rather... what we have now is overwhelmingly his positive qualities and rarely the negative ones. But it took a ton of intervention and work from the whole family to get him here... to get him feeling comfortable with himself and happy most of the time. And, probably only you can understand how amazing this is to me, but my child is totally cooperative now. The defiance was so tied into his miserable feelings and unhappiness, his out-of-control feelings and need to regain control. Once he felt better about himself, he was totally receptive to instruction. It is taken years, but he is such a wonderful kid, so empathetic to others, and ... who knows, maybe stronger for his struggles.

Please get help, OP. It will be hard but it will make your life, and that of your child, so much better.

Anonymous wrote:OP, my child was also extremely difficult starting around age 2-3 and really traumatically difficult 4-6. He was similar to yours in that he was fine if he had total control of his environment--in fact he was quite independent and able to entertain himself. He had a great imagination and could be excited and happy to the extreme. But any transition threw him off and he didn't have the resources to deal with the big feelings. He was more of a meltdown kid than a tantrum kid but, like yours, he basically resisted every instruction. It really seemed like he was unable to take input/guidance/suggestions from another person. He was actually much worse at school than yours... he wasn't disruptive but totally self-absorbed and resistant. And unhappy!

We started weekly therapy when he was 4 and did it non-stop year-round until he was 8 or so. He was first diagnosed with generalized anxiety and eventually at age 6 with severe ADHD. I had to work a lot with the therapist myself to understand how to parent my son... and I read pretty much every book suggested in this thread and more. As others have said: TONS of structure, total consistency, simple rules and crystal clear expectations, advanced warning for (each and every!!!) transition--these were all critical and incredibly effective. They seem both "too easy" and like "too much work" ... I rolled my eyes at first and thought alternately "I already do that!" and "I can't give him a warning before every single XYZ" but ... well, we trained ourselves and it was shockingly effective. Basically this, friendly gentle voice: "Son, five minutes till we leave"... "son, one minute till we leave" ... "okay we leave... if any hesitation, immediately pick up kid and go". Gentle advance noticed and absolute enforcement are totally critical--zero negotiation. I had to follow through on EVERY RULE, every warning, and do so immediately. With things clearly more anxiety-based like refusing to go inside a birthday party... you take a different approach. A lot of support, a lot of positive talk, but always challenging kid to complete task. It may feel worse for a few days but it is INCREDIBLY reassuring to an anxious or adhd child to actually know what is coming and then succeed in getting through it. My son hates learning a new routine but once he accepts it, it is very comforting for him!

We have done a lot to work with this kid, but I want to tell you how incredibly worth it all the effort has been. From the beginning, for me, what killed me the most was how deeply unhappy my son was. Like he wasn't being given a chance to have a childhood! I am so relieved and happy to report that he is, at age 12, totally different. Or rather... what we have now is overwhelmingly his positive qualities and rarely the negative ones. But it took a ton of intervention and work from the whole family to get him here... to get him feeling comfortable with himself and happy most of the time. And, probably only you can understand how amazing this is to me, but my child is totally cooperative now. The defiance was so tied into his miserable feelings and unhappiness, his out-of-control feelings and need to regain control. Once he felt better about himself, he was totally receptive to instruction. It is taken years, but he is such a wonderful kid, so empathetic to others, and ... who knows, maybe stronger for his struggles.

Please get help, OP. It will be hard but it will make your life, and that of your child, so much better.