Reply to Oppositional Defiant Disorder: losing my MIND, need a good thearapist/DX

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, my child was also extremely difficult starting around age 2-3 and really traumatically difficult 4-6.  He was similar to yours in that he was fine if he had total control of his environment--in fact he was quite independent and able to entertain himself. He had a great imagination and could be excited and happy to the extreme. But any transition threw him off and he didn't have the resources to deal with the big feelings. He was more of a meltdown kid than a tantrum kid but, like yours, he basically resisted every instruction. It really seemed like he was unable to take input/guidance/suggestions from another person. He was actually much worse at school than yours... he wasn't disruptive but totally self-absorbed and resistant. And unhappy!

We started weekly therapy when he was 4 and did it non-stop year-round until he was 8 or so. He was first diagnosed with generalized anxiety and eventually at age 6 with severe ADHD. I had to work a lot with the therapist myself to understand how to parent my son... and I read pretty much every book suggested in this thread and more. As others have said: TONS of structure, total consistency, simple rules and crystal clear expectations, advanced warning for (each and every!!!) transition--these were all critical and incredibly effective. They seem both "too easy" and like "too much work" ... I rolled my eyes at first and thought alternately "I already do that!" and "I can't give him a warning  before every single XYZ" but ... well, we trained ourselves and it was shockingly effective. Basically this, friendly gentle voice: "Son, five minutes till we leave"... "son, one minute till we leave" ... "okay we leave... if any hesitation, immediately pick up kid and go". Gentle advance noticed and absolute enforcement are totally critical--zero negotiation. I had to follow through on EVERY RULE, every warning, and do so immediately. With things clearly more anxiety-based like refusing to go inside a birthday party... you take a different approach. A lot of support, a lot of positive talk,  but always challenging kid to complete task. It may feel worse for a few days but it is INCREDIBLY reassuring to an anxious or adhd child to actually know what is coming and then succeed in getting through it. My son hates learning a new routine but once he accepts it, it is very comforting for him!

We have done a lot to work with this kid, but I want to tell you how incredibly worth it all the effort has been. From the beginning, for me, what killed me the most was how deeply unhappy my son was. Like he wasn't being given a chance to have a childhood! I am so relieved and happy to report that he is, at age 12, totally different. Or rather... what we have now is overwhelmingly his positive qualities and rarely the negative ones. But it took a ton of intervention and work from the whole family to get him here... to get him feeling comfortable with himself and happy most of the time. And, probably only you can understand how amazing this is to me, but my child is totally cooperative now. The defiance was so tied into his miserable feelings and unhappiness, his out-of-control feelings and need to regain control. Once he felt better about himself, he was totally receptive to instruction. It is taken years, but he is such a wonderful kid, so empathetic to others, and ... who knows, maybe stronger for his struggles.

Please get help, OP. It will be hard but it will make your life, and that of your child, so much better.

[/quote]

The above is great advice!! We had a similar experience with my son who has ASD. He is now quite flexible with just a little advance notice and sometimes a reminder. Routine is critical and following through is critical. We also found that it was extremely important to explain to him what to do, rather than what not to do and to tell him things rather than ask him. We never say "do you want to shower".. we give an instruction "it is 7 pm, time to get in the shower". The combination of figuring out the issue/diagnosis, therapy and changing our parenting has made all of our lives 1000 times better.

Sending you hugs and wishing you lots of success!! [/quote]

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