Anonymous wrote:OMG! Op I think you just made me realized, in additional to other reasons, why I broke up with my ex. I think he was like you (shutting down and mute ) and I was like your husband ( speaking-up ). I actually learned something about myself from reading this thread. Note to self, I'm going to pay close attention to this type of behavior when I'm dating. I prefer a man that communicates like me and doesn't shut down.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both panic in these conflict/anger situations. When you panic, you shut down and run. When he panics, he feels abandoned and invalidated, so he chases to try to resolve everything so he can calm down. You're both operating in fear mode, and instinctively.

What you need to go over with the therapist is working on communicating while in this mode. You need to be able to tell him "I need to go calm down, and I promise we will resolve this as soon as I can." And give him a time. And follow through. Every time you get upset to the point of feeling like running, do this. And on his side, he needs to hear you, and be able to believe that if he can hold on and try to calm his panic, that you will talk with him as soon as you're calm enough.

This takes a lot of practice and mindfulness. We had this dynamic and managed to break it with a lot of work.

My husband would shut down and go mute over the smallest things, (his parents had been strict, harsh, abusive, and yellers, and he'd been forbidden to speak up), and I had no idea he was in utter panic and reflexive mode, so I'd keep asking what's wrong and talking, until he couldn't take it and he would blow up.

On my side, I would panic because I felt like he wasn't hearing me, and I couldn't understand why he wouldn't speak, and why he'd keep running off when there was something to resolve.

You have to look into how you each got to be the way you are, and then start practicing how to break out of the patterns.

Thank you. This was very helpful, he has fears of abandonment and i have fears of losing my independance. He perceives my lack of vommunication as punishment, abandonment while for me, i feel likd i do it for protection. We will have to raise all of this with the therapist

This times a million. I also had this dynamic and it took some time but we've built enough trust to give space and circle back in the time we promised.

OP, I would stop focusing on what you aren't getting (space) and try to see how you can meet his needs while getting what you need.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both panic in these conflict/anger situations. When you panic, you shut down and run. When he panics, he feels abandoned and invalidated, so he chases to try to resolve everything so he can calm down. You're both operating in fear mode, and instinctively.

What you need to go over with the therapist is working on communicating while in this mode. You need to be able to tell him "I need to go calm down, and I promise we will resolve this as soon as I can." And give him a time. And follow through. Every time you get upset to the point of feeling like running, do this. And on his side, he needs to hear you, and be able to believe that if he can hold on and try to calm his panic, that you will talk with him as soon as you're calm enough.

This takes a lot of practice and mindfulness. We had this dynamic and managed to break it with a lot of work.

My husband would shut down and go mute over the smallest things, (his parents had been strict, harsh, abusive, and yellers, and he'd been forbidden to speak up), and I had no idea he was in utter panic and reflexive mode, so I'd keep asking what's wrong and talking, until he couldn't take it and he would blow up.

On my side, I would panic because I felt like he wasn't hearing me, and I couldn't understand why he wouldn't speak, and why he'd keep running off when there was something to resolve.

You have to look into how you each got to be the way you are, and then start practicing how to break out of the patterns.

Thank you. This was very helpful, he has fears of abandonment and i have fears of losing my independance. He perceives my lack of vommunication as punishment, abandonment while for me, i feel likd i do it for protection. We will have to raise all of this with the therapist

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP you need to realize that you can't put your hands on anyone ever but especially when you are in rage mode. It is assualt. Blocking someone from leaving a room is not kodnapoing and you know this. Even if he is blocking you from leaving a room you can't touch him. The law doesn't work like that. You need to be very careful because at this time you are the aggressor. You need therapy for yourself regardless of this marriage works out. Couples therapy would be good but you (and him) need individual therapy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You both panic in these conflict/anger situations. When you panic, you shut down and run. When he panics, he feels abandoned and invalidated, so he chases to try to resolve everything so he can calm down. You're both operating in fear mode, and instinctively.

What you need to go over with the therapist is working on communicating while in this mode. You need to be able to tell him "I need to go calm down, and I promise we will resolve this as soon as I can." And give him a time. And follow through. Every time you get upset to the point of feeling like running, do this. And on his side, he needs to hear you, and be able to believe that if he can hold on and try to calm his panic, that you will talk with him as soon as you're calm enough.

This takes a lot of practice and mindfulness. We had this dynamic and managed to break it with a lot of work.

My husband would shut down and go mute over the smallest things, (his parents had been strict, harsh, abusive, and yellers, and he'd been forbidden to speak up), and I had no idea he was in utter panic and reflexive mode, so I'd keep asking what's wrong and talking, until he couldn't take it and he would blow up.

On my side, I would panic because I felt like he wasn't hearing me, and I couldn't understand why he wouldn't speak, and why he'd keep running off when there was something to resolve.

You have to look into how you each got to be the way you are, and then start practicing how to break out of the patterns.

Thank you. This was very helpful, he has fears of abandonment and i have fears of losing my independance. He perceives my lack of vommunication as punishment, abandonment while for me, i feel likd i do it for protection. We will have to raise all of this with the therapist

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the previous poster. Excellent post, PP. My DH and I had the same dynamic and it took a lot of therapy but we're working through it. OP, you got a lot of nasty responses. Try to ignore them. Do follow through on the counseling. It can help.

Anonymous wrote:You both panic in these conflict/anger situations. When you panic, you shut down and run. When he panics, he feels abandoned and invalidated, so he chases to try to resolve everything so he can calm down. You're both operating in fear mode, and instinctively.

What you need to go over with the therapist is working on communicating while in this mode. You need to be able to tell him "I need to go calm down, and I promise we will resolve this as soon as I can." And give him a time. And follow through. Every time you get upset to the point of feeling like running, do this. And on his side, he needs to hear you, and be able to believe that if he can hold on and try to calm his panic, that you will talk with him as soon as you're calm enough.

This takes a lot of practice and mindfulness. We had this dynamic and managed to break it with a lot of work.

My husband would shut down and go mute over the smallest things, (his parents had been strict, harsh, abusive, and yellers, and he'd been forbidden to speak up), and I had no idea he was in utter panic and reflexive mode, so I'd keep asking what's wrong and talking, until he couldn't take it and he would blow up.

On my side, I would panic because I felt like he wasn't hearing me, and I couldn't understand why he wouldn't speak, and why he'd keep running off when there was something to resolve.

You have to look into how you each got to be the way you are, and then start practicing how to break out of the patterns.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both you and your DH have major issues. Neither of you is right or better. You both are seriously messed up.

Op here: I recognize my issues, i-e i need to learn to communicate when im angry instead of shutying down. But i am not okay with my DH not allowing me time to cool down, which escalates the fight and him chasing me around the house from room to room wheh. Im trying to get away

I posted above re: communicating when you're upset and getting counseling.

We were exactly the same, but opposite. Meaning he would shut down and I felt abandoned when he did, so I would try everything I could to connect, only to push him away more. Obvi we never learned appropriate conflict resolution skills. A good counselor can help, but both parties have to be willing to forgive the bad behavior and put in the work to make changes. Good luck.