Reply to If you are a mistress, do you feel ANY guilt?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't think there is any serious question that women who participate in these relationships have serious often unacknowledged problems in their background affecting their mental health.  They may think they are fine but they are complicit in close injury to others including very much to children. On some level we are all complicit in all kinds of moral issues BUT this is so direct and so knowing.  they are trying to make up for some part of them that is broken by hurting others and feeling power.  they need to do a deep dig with a therapist to figure out why they are not just ok but literally taking pleasure n hurting others.  Likely few do but maybe some.  It is at best immature and self centered but also has a hint of sociopathy because they do not care/ feel.  [/quote]

I one hundred percent resonate with this. Ex H’s AP tried to convince me she was a healer and a good person, but she refused to leave my exH alone and would not stop her contribution to the affair. She was a very broken person- was abused and so forth - and felt entitled to my exH. She ignored my plea to leave our marriage and family alone. How can a self proclaimed healer ignore the pain she helped cause? It’s because she was broken and hurt by others, so she felt indifferent to my pain and the pain she was causing my family by ripping it apart. Yes, my exH was complicit. Not absolving him of anything. But both of them were highly compartmentalized in their thinking. Exh’s compartmentalization is what masked his cheating, and her compartmentalization had her convinced she’s actually a wonderful person, a “healer,” but she was ripping my family a part and couldn’t give a flying F about the pain she was causing my family. [/quote]

So, pp, do you believe that if this woman had backed off from your husband, that you could have repaired the marriage?  It sounds like your DH was not worth staying with anyway.[/quote]

That’s a good question. Yes, I think if she backed away we would have had the chance to truthfully and diligently work on our marriage. But she convinced my ex that without him, she’d suffer from something catastrophic (physically or mentally, not sure). Leaving her meant her possibly dying or suffering in some way. It was really strange and difficult for me to understand. He felt that between the two of us, I could bounce back more easily, whereas she would get worse.

Yes, they did end up together and they are still together. [/quote]

How long have they been together?

Girl, they both did you a favor.  You don’t need to stay with such a damaged person (your ex) for the sake of your kids.  My parents divorced, it was better than their shitty marriage, and I would never have wanted my mother to stay with a father like this.

You may think the woman’s contact is what kept your DH from repairing the marriage but he chose her drama and insanity on purpose.  You could have wasted years “repairing” the marriage only for him to seek her out one day.  People in affairs are addicts and it’s hard to get that high from regular married life.[/quote]

Not everyone in an affair is addicted to the chemicals. They wear off after a while, so a long term affair is a full blown emotional and physical relationship with all the feelings.

If a spouse is in a 6 months + affair, they have developed feelings and it’s not just sex. I wouldn’t take someone back at that point.[/quote]

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