Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think there is any serious question that women who participate in these relationships have serious often unacknowledged problems in their background affecting their mental health. They may think they are fine but they are complicit in close injury to others including very much to children. On some level we are all complicit in all kinds of moral issues BUT this is so direct and so knowing. they are trying to make up for some part of them that is broken by hurting others and feeling power. they need to do a deep dig with a therapist to figure out why they are not just ok but literally taking pleasure n hurting others. Likely few do but maybe some. It is at best immature and self centered but also has a hint of sociopathy because they do not care/ feel.

I one hundred percent resonate with this. Ex H’s AP tried to convince me she was a healer and a good person, but she refused to leave my exH alone and would not stop her contribution to the affair. She was a very broken person- was abused and so forth - and felt entitled to my exH. She ignored my plea to leave our marriage and family alone. How can a self proclaimed healer ignore the pain she helped cause? It’s because she was broken and hurt by others, so she felt indifferent to my pain and the pain she was causing my family by ripping it apart. Yes, my exH was complicit. Not absolving him of anything. But both of them were highly compartmentalized in their thinking. Exh’s compartmentalization is what masked his cheating, and her compartmentalization had her convinced she’s actually a wonderful person, a “healer,” but she was ripping my family a part and couldn’t give a flying F about the pain she was causing my family.

So, pp, do you believe that if this woman had backed off from your husband, that you could have repaired the marriage? It sounds like your DH was not worth staying with anyway.

That’s a good question. Yes, I think if she backed away we would have had the chance to truthfully and diligently work on our marriage. But she convinced my ex that without him, she’d suffer from something catastrophic (physically or mentally, not sure). Leaving her meant her possibly dying or suffering in some way. It was really strange and difficult for me to understand. He felt that between the two of us, I could bounce back more easily, whereas she would get worse.

Yes, they did end up together and they are still together.

How long have they been together?

Girl, they both did you a favor. You don’t need to stay with such a damaged person (your ex) for the sake of your kids. My parents divorced, it was better than their shitty marriage, and I would never have wanted my mother to stay with a father like this.

You may think the woman’s contact is what kept your DH from repairing the marriage but he chose her drama and insanity on purpose. You could have wasted years “repairing” the marriage only for him to seek her out one day. People in affairs are addicts and it’s hard to get that high from regular married life.

Not everyone in an affair is addicted to the chemicals. They wear off after a while, so a long term affair is a full blown emotional and physical relationship with all the feelings.

If a spouse is in a 6 months + affair, they have developed feelings and it’s not just sex. I wouldn’t take someone back at that point.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think there is any serious question that women who participate in these relationships have serious often unacknowledged problems in their background affecting their mental health. They may think they are fine but they are complicit in close injury to others including very much to children. On some level we are all complicit in all kinds of moral issues BUT this is so direct and so knowing. they are trying to make up for some part of them that is broken by hurting others and feeling power. they need to do a deep dig with a therapist to figure out why they are not just ok but literally taking pleasure n hurting others. Likely few do but maybe some. It is at best immature and self centered but also has a hint of sociopathy because they do not care/ feel.

I one hundred percent resonate with this. Ex H’s AP tried to convince me she was a healer and a good person, but she refused to leave my exH alone and would not stop her contribution to the affair. She was a very broken person- was abused and so forth - and felt entitled to my exH. She ignored my plea to leave our marriage and family alone. How can a self proclaimed healer ignore the pain she helped cause? It’s because she was broken and hurt by others, so she felt indifferent to my pain and the pain she was causing my family by ripping it apart. Yes, my exH was complicit. Not absolving him of anything. But both of them were highly compartmentalized in their thinking. Exh’s compartmentalization is what masked his cheating, and her compartmentalization had her convinced she’s actually a wonderful person, a “healer,” but she was ripping my family a part and couldn’t give a flying F about the pain she was causing my family.

So, pp, do you believe that if this woman had backed off from your husband, that you could have repaired the marriage? It sounds like your DH was not worth staying with anyway.

That’s a good question. Yes, I think if she backed away we would have had the chance to truthfully and diligently work on our marriage. But she convinced my ex that without him, she’d suffer from something catastrophic (physically or mentally, not sure). Leaving her meant her possibly dying or suffering in some way. It was really strange and difficult for me to understand. He felt that between the two of us, I could bounce back more easily, whereas she would get worse.

Yes, they did end up together and they are still together.

How long have they been together?

Girl, they both did you a favor. You don’t need to stay with such a damaged person (your ex) for the sake of your kids. My parents divorced, it was better than their shitty marriage, and I would never have wanted my mother to stay with a father like this.

You may think the woman’s contact is what kept your DH from repairing the marriage but he chose her drama and insanity on purpose. You could have wasted years “repairing” the marriage only for him to seek her out one day. People in affairs are addicts and it’s hard to get that high from regular married life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think there is any serious question that women who participate in these relationships have serious often unacknowledged problems in their background affecting their mental health. They may think they are fine but they are complicit in close injury to others including very much to children. On some level we are all complicit in all kinds of moral issues BUT this is so direct and so knowing. they are trying to make up for some part of them that is broken by hurting others and feeling power. they need to do a deep dig with a therapist to figure out why they are not just ok but literally taking pleasure n hurting others. Likely few do but maybe some. It is at best immature and self centered but also has a hint of sociopathy because they do not care/ feel.

I one hundred percent resonate with this. Ex H’s AP tried to convince me she was a healer and a good person, but she refused to leave my exH alone and would not stop her contribution to the affair. She was a very broken person- was abused and so forth - and felt entitled to my exH. She ignored my plea to leave our marriage and family alone. How can a self proclaimed healer ignore the pain she helped cause? It’s because she was broken and hurt by others, so she felt indifferent to my pain and the pain she was causing my family by ripping it apart. Yes, my exH was complicit. Not absolving him of anything. But both of them were highly compartmentalized in their thinking. Exh’s compartmentalization is what masked his cheating, and her compartmentalization had her convinced she’s actually a wonderful person, a “healer,” but she was ripping my family a part and couldn’t give a flying F about the pain she was causing my family.

So, pp, do you believe that if this woman had backed off from your husband, that you could have repaired the marriage? It sounds like your DH was not worth staying with anyway.

That’s a good question. Yes, I think if she backed away we would have had the chance to truthfully and diligently work on our marriage. But she convinced my ex that without him, she’d suffer from something catastrophic (physically or mentally, not sure). Leaving her meant her possibly dying or suffering in some way. It was really strange and difficult for me to understand. He felt that between the two of us, I could bounce back more easily, whereas she would get worse.

Yes, they did end up together and they are still together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think there is any serious question that women who participate in these relationships have serious often unacknowledged problems in their background affecting their mental health. They may think they are fine but they are complicit in close injury to others including very much to children. On some level we are all complicit in all kinds of moral issues BUT this is so direct and so knowing. they are trying to make up for some part of them that is broken by hurting others and feeling power. they need to do a deep dig with a therapist to figure out why they are not just ok but literally taking pleasure n hurting others. Likely few do but maybe some. It is at best immature and self centered but also has a hint of sociopathy because they do not care/ feel.

I one hundred percent resonate with this. Ex H’s AP tried to convince me she was a healer and a good person, but she refused to leave my exH alone and would not stop her contribution to the affair. She was a very broken person- was abused and so forth - and felt entitled to my exH. She ignored my plea to leave our marriage and family alone. How can a self proclaimed healer ignore the pain she helped cause? It’s because she was broken and hurt by others, so she felt indifferent to my pain and the pain she was causing my family by ripping it apart. Yes, my exH was complicit. Not absolving him of anything. But both of them were highly compartmentalized in their thinking. Exh’s compartmentalization is what masked his cheating, and her compartmentalization had her convinced she’s actually a wonderful person, a “healer,” but she was ripping my family a part and couldn’t give a flying F about the pain she was causing my family.

You “resonate with this”? Maybe you meant that it resonates with you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think there is any serious question that women who participate in these relationships have serious often unacknowledged problems in their background affecting their mental health. They may think they are fine but they are complicit in close injury to others including very much to children. On some level we are all complicit in all kinds of moral issues BUT this is so direct and so knowing. they are trying to make up for some part of them that is broken by hurting others and feeling power. they need to do a deep dig with a therapist to figure out why they are not just ok but literally taking pleasure n hurting others. Likely few do but maybe some. It is at best immature and self centered but also has a hint of sociopathy because they do not care/ feel.

I one hundred percent resonate with this. Ex H’s AP tried to convince me she was a healer and a good person, but she refused to leave my exH alone and would not stop her contribution to the affair. She was a very broken person- was abused and so forth - and felt entitled to my exH. She ignored my plea to leave our marriage and family alone. How can a self proclaimed healer ignore the pain she helped cause? It’s because she was broken and hurt by others, so she felt indifferent to my pain and the pain she was causing my family by ripping it apart. Yes, my exH was complicit. Not absolving him of anything. But both of them were highly compartmentalized in their thinking. Exh’s compartmentalization is what masked his cheating, and her compartmentalization had her convinced she’s actually a wonderful person, a “healer,” but she was ripping my family a part and couldn’t give a flying F about the pain she was causing my family.

So, pp, do you believe that if this woman had backed off from your husband, that you could have repaired the marriage? It sounds like your DH was not worth staying with anyway.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I met a man online that I didn’t know was married. We became friends, and talked about a lot of things. He helped me heal from my mentally ill/abusive ex. I finally opened myself to someone that I trusted. I found out later that he was married. He really wanted a loving relationship with his wife for his kids. He sent me pics of his son’s head after his wife shoved her son against a wall for not being tough enough. Who does that?

Not to justify violence, but the sort of person who's at her wits end trying to raise kids alone while her philandering spouse flirts with skanks like you who know she exists and think it's fine to insert themselves into her family anyway. It's not right, but it's understandable.

You're part of her problems. You are. No excuses. Do not facilitate cheating and then act like the wife needs to be saintly. She's being abused, and you're complicit.

I think you just *did* justify her violence. You’re getting serious side-eye from me. No one *makes* someone do that. You’re responsible for your own behavior.

There's a subtlety you're missing, and there's probably no point trying to explain it, as you're already giving "serious side-eye". Yes, absolutely, unequivocally, we're all responsible for our behavior AND no behavior exists in a vacuum. She's being framed by her cheating spouse as this horrifically violent human being, but there's more to that story. 1) a cheater isn't a reliable narrator, nor a reliable judge of their spouse's character. We don't even know that this is true. 2) Haven't you ever lost your temper? Been pushed too far and snapped? That's human. She's a human. It doesn't make what she did right, but it does make it easier to understand than the one-dimensional blame narrative he's trying. If she's so horrid, why isn't he home with his kids? Why is he out cheating?

And doesn't she get to have feelings about being cheated on? A lot of the women on this thread getting ugly at APs are well into abuse territory. But, again, there's nuance and detail and history there. These women aren't just rage monsters at their core. They're at their wits end with cheating spouses leaving them with the sole burdens of parenting (an impossible job under any circumstances), and then their shite spouses are talking mess about them behind their backs and some stupid AP is eating it all up like it whole truth.

And if I dare to point that out, you side-eye me? Well, okay. Be stupidly simple, if it pleases you. I'm not buying what the cheater in this story is selling.

He probably did exactly what he's accusing her of doing. It's not like the AP is going to fact-check.

That’s a lot of words to continue to justify violence against a child who did nothing. Frankly I’d have more respect for her if she murdered her husband.

NP - I utterly condemn anyone who would attack a child like this. However, I’m not convinced from the earlier post that the wife’s at fault. Pictures of his son’s head prove that the son was injured, not that she did it by shoving the boy against a wall. The only evidence you have that she did it, is the testimony of a man you know is a liar. Maybe the boy got tackled in football, or was in a car accident, or was abused by the father himself, you don’t really know.

If she is abusing their son, you don’t fake a loving relationship “for the kids”, you press charges and divorce the abuser, suing for full custody. Your primary goal is to ensure your child’s safety. Instead, he is choosing to leave his children alone with someone he claims is dangerous, making him an accomplice to the abuse. Logic leaves you two choices: either he’s not concerned because she didn’t do it, or he doesn’t really care if the kids are in danger, he just cares about the sex he’s getting on the side.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should they? They never made vows to anyone. The scorned wives in here need to direct their anger to the real culprit.

Which is themselves, because their DH wouldn't cheat if they had been doing a good job as wives.

That's not true at all.
I was involved with a married man once and he was madly in love with his wife. He just enjoyed the novelty of spending time with me too.

What was wrong with you? Have you developed dignity, integrity, self-respect since that affair?

Obviously, they didn't learn about morals or values. No, that husband wasn't in love with his wife lol.

He was, and I don’t know why you think you know better than someone who knew him.

I bet his wife thought she knew him, too…

Come on, woman, stop being ridiculous.

NP here. I know it’s scary but I have experienced something like the PP. There were a lot of factors at play, but both of us were married, loved our spouses, took many steps to continually “protect” each other’s family. We care about each other deeply, but knew and respected that neither of us would derail our lives no matter how intense it got.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think there is any serious question that women who participate in these relationships have serious often unacknowledged problems in their background affecting their mental health. They may think they are fine but they are complicit in close injury to others including very much to children. On some level we are all complicit in all kinds of moral issues BUT this is so direct and so knowing. they are trying to make up for some part of them that is broken by hurting others and feeling power. they need to do a deep dig with a therapist to figure out why they are not just ok but literally taking pleasure n hurting others. Likely few do but maybe some. It is at best immature and self centered but also has a hint of sociopathy because they do not care/ feel.

I one hundred percent resonate with this. Ex H’s AP tried to convince me she was a healer and a good person, but she refused to leave my exH alone and would not stop her contribution to the affair. She was a very broken person- was abused and so forth - and felt entitled to my exH. She ignored my plea to leave our marriage and family alone. How can a self proclaimed healer ignore the pain she helped cause? It’s because she was broken and hurt by others, so she felt indifferent to my pain and the pain she was causing my family by ripping it apart. Yes, my exH was complicit. Not absolving him of anything. But both of them were highly compartmentalized in their thinking. Exh’s compartmentalization is what masked his cheating, and her compartmentalization had her convinced she’s actually a wonderful person, a “healer,” but she was ripping my family a part and couldn’t give a flying F about the pain she was causing my family.

That sounds awful, PP, I’m sorry.

I think it would help if we were all mindful of how we all compartmentalize all the time. You drive like a jerk but you still think you’re a good person. You are harsh with your child when they trigger you, but you are still a good parent. You leave nasty comments on posts here but you are a good person. Or maybe you have stolen something or snooped in someone’s personal property or gossiped or gotten in a physical fight before. People are not good or bad. We are complex AF.

Yes, that’s true, but the magnitude of compartmentalization matters. When I told exh’s AP that she was hurting me and our children, and to leave my family alone so that my exh can figure things out, she ignored my pleas. She was completely desensitized because she was a victim of abuse and felt entitled to my H. My H was allegedly the only man in her life that didn’t cheat on her or abuse her. He was her savior, I guess, someone to help her with her insecurity, trauma, etc. So her compartmentalization was sky high because all she could focus on was her healing and happiness and she didn’t give a F about the chaos, sadness and misery she caused in my home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think there is any serious question that women who participate in these relationships have serious often unacknowledged problems in their background affecting their mental health. They may think they are fine but they are complicit in close injury to others including very much to children. On some level we are all complicit in all kinds of moral issues BUT this is so direct and so knowing. they are trying to make up for some part of them that is broken by hurting others and feeling power. they need to do a deep dig with a therapist to figure out why they are not just ok but literally taking pleasure n hurting others. Likely few do but maybe some. It is at best immature and self centered but also has a hint of sociopathy because they do not care/ feel.

I one hundred percent resonate with this. Ex H’s AP tried to convince me she was a healer and a good person, but she refused to leave my exH alone and would not stop her contribution to the affair. She was a very broken person- was abused and so forth - and felt entitled to my exH. She ignored my plea to leave our marriage and family alone. How can a self proclaimed healer ignore the pain she helped cause? It’s because she was broken and hurt by others, so she felt indifferent to my pain and the pain she was causing my family by ripping it apart. Yes, my exH was complicit. Not absolving him of anything. But both of them were highly compartmentalized in their thinking. Exh’s compartmentalization is what masked his cheating, and her compartmentalization had her convinced she’s actually a wonderful person, a “healer,” but she was ripping my family a part and couldn’t give a flying F about the pain she was causing my family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think there is any serious question that women who participate in these relationships have serious often unacknowledged problems in their background affecting their mental health. They may think they are fine but they are complicit in close injury to others including very much to children. On some level we are all complicit in all kinds of moral issues BUT this is so direct and so knowing. they are trying to make up for some part of them that is broken by hurting others and feeling power. they need to do a deep dig with a therapist to figure out why they are not just ok but literally taking pleasure n hurting others. Likely few do but maybe some. It is at best immature and self centered but also has a hint of sociopathy because they do not care/ feel.

I one hundred percent resonate with this. Ex H’s AP tried to convince me she was a healer and a good person, but she refused to leave my exH alone and would not stop her contribution to the affair. She was a very broken person- was abused and so forth - and felt entitled to my exH. She ignored my plea to leave our marriage and family alone. How can a self proclaimed healer ignore the pain she helped cause? It’s because she was broken and hurt by others, so she felt indifferent to my pain and the pain she was causing my family by ripping it apart. Yes, my exH was complicit. Not absolving him of anything. But both of them were highly compartmentalized in their thinking. Exh’s compartmentalization is what masked his cheating, and her compartmentalization had her convinced she’s actually a wonderful person, a “healer,” but she was ripping my family a part and couldn’t give a flying F about the pain she was causing my family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should they? They never made vows to anyone. The scorned wives in here need to direct their anger to the real culprit.

Which is themselves, because their DH wouldn't cheat if they had been doing a good job as wives.

That's not true at all.
I was involved with a married man once and he was madly in love with his wife. He just enjoyed the novelty of spending time with me too.

What was wrong with you? Have you developed dignity, integrity, self-respect since that affair?

Obviously, they didn't learn about morals or values. No, that husband wasn't in love with his wife lol.

He was, and I don’t know why you think you know better than someone who knew him.

I bet his wife thought she knew him, too…

Come on, woman, stop being ridiculous.

NP here. I know it’s scary but I have experienced something like the PP. There were a lot of factors at play, but both of us were married, loved our spouses, took many steps to continually “protect” each other’s family. We care about each other deeply, but knew and respected that neither of us would derail our lives no matter how intense it got.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should they? They never made vows to anyone. The scorned wives in here need to direct their anger to the real culprit.

Which is themselves, because their DH wouldn't cheat if they had been doing a good job as wives.

That's not true at all.
I was involved with a married man once and he was madly in love with his wife. He just enjoyed the novelty of spending time with me too.

What was wrong with you? Have you developed dignity, integrity, self-respect since that affair?

Obviously, they didn't learn about morals or values. No, that husband wasn't in love with his wife lol.

He was, and I don’t know why you think you know better than someone who knew him.

I bet his wife thought she knew him, too…

Come on, woman, stop being ridiculous.

NP here. I know it’s scary but I have experienced something like the PP. There were a lot of factors at play, but both of us were married, loved our spouses, took many steps to continually “protect” each other’s family. We care about each other deeply, but knew and respected that neither of us would derail our lives no matter how intense it got.

Well guess what, I found out and I didn’t give a fk about your family, only my own.

Begging please don’t tell. B@tch, please.

You dumb fks destroyed two families with your selfishness and when the lights came on you realized it was just for a dumb fk that meant nothing which is why you both trashed each other after

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should they? They never made vows to anyone. The scorned wives in here need to direct their anger to the real culprit.

Which is themselves, because their DH wouldn't cheat if they had been doing a good job as wives.

That's not true at all.
I was involved with a married man once and he was madly in love with his wife. He just enjoyed the novelty of spending time with me too.

What was wrong with you? Have you developed dignity, integrity, self-respect since that affair?

Obviously, they didn't learn about morals or values. No, that husband wasn't in love with his wife lol.

He was, and I don’t know why you think you know better than someone who knew him.

I bet his wife thought she knew him, too…

Come on, woman, stop being ridiculous.

NP here. I know it’s scary but I have experienced something like the PP. There were a lot of factors at play, but both of us were married, loved our spouses, took many steps to continually “protect” each other’s family. We care about each other deeply, but knew and respected that neither of us would derail our lives no matter how intense it got.