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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I too hate where I live. 
I am from rural Michigan and moved to Chicago after college for a change of scenery. Got married to a native Chicagoan. 15 years later I am just done. I hate it here, I hate the leftist crazies, I hate the identical "We Believe" signs in front of the identical houses, I hate having to socially navigate with the other insane parents around here. Every time we visit my home I cry on the way back because I want to stay so badly. My husband won't leave because he's comfortable here and he would feel guilty leaving his parents. My life is passing me by. My best friend from childhood has a lovely lakefront house that cost less than ours with lower taxes and my husband says "Maybe someday." He would never take the initiative to find a new job. We are both in healthcare and could work anywhere.
I chose to come here when I was young and stupid.[/quote]

Take responsibility for your life and your decisions.

You want to buy a Michigan lake house and move there with your family.   Sounds like a pretty good idea.

What actual planning have you done?  Have you looked at areas and priced out Michigan lake houses?  Would the numbers work?  How long would it take to sell your current house and how much could you realistically net from the sale?  If you have school age kids, where would they be going to school?

You say you and your spouse could work anywhere.  Have you polished up your resume and actually started applying for jobs near where you would like to live?  What kind of income could you expect and if less than now, what sacrifices are you prepared to make?  Do you have 12 months worth of liquid savings just in case it's not so easy for your husband or you to find suitable work?

If your husband isn't on board,have you also looked at jobs that might be suitable for him?    It doesn't sound like you've done anything at all to get him onboard with your plan except complain and whine.  That doesn't work.

If you literally cry every time you come back from a visit, that's a signal that you need therapy to address some deep rooted emotional issues.  You will not be ready to handle the stress of a major move until you can at least stop all the crying.

If you want to make things happen in your life, especially against opposition or friction, you have to get better control of yourself first.[/quote]

DP.  I’m in the same position as the pp. My husband and I also work in healthcare.  
All of the stuff you are describing literally takes an afternoon.  I have to give 90 days notice on my job, and I could have a new job lined up to start 90 days from now tomorrow.  I could find one for DH too, and I have found many.  I’ve called physician recruiters at specific hospitals where I know there is a job opening, and he hasn’t made time to talk to them.

He gives no reason.  He says that he will do it, but doesn’t.  Eventually, I make up an excuse so that I don’t look crazy and lose my ability to ever work there.

Looking for houses is easy and fun.  I do this all of the time in my spare time.

We don’t *have* to go near my parents either. We have a child with autism and a normal IQ.  We could live near a great school for him.  There is literally NO REASON to live here other than DH being afraid of change.

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Ok. So actually apply for a new job where you want to live, and when you get the offer, give your 90 days notice to your existing job.

Then pick out a house you like in the new area and out down an earnest money deposit on it.    Schedule the closing for 30 days prior to the start of your new job.

Not sure if you currently rent or own but you will have to either negotiate your way out of your existing lease or put your existing house up for sale which you should do right away.

Tell your husband the family is moving and give him all the details.  Tell him you will help him find a new job.  Then do it.

Since he has told you he does want to move he will appreciate that you are doing the heavy lifting which you say is very easy for you.  Win win.

Or don't.  But stop complaining a d stop blaming your husband.[/quote]

I know that you think that you are calling my bluff, but I have gone far enough down this path that interviews have been scheduled and airline tickets have been booked.  Private schools have been applied to on behalf of my son.  I mean, this isn’t hard to do.  
DH just doesn’t acknowledge that it’s happening, doesn’t send his CV, and as the time gets nearer, tells me that he has a conflict and cancels without actually rescheduling.  This makes me look crazy to future potential employers.

As far as buying my own house, I can do that, but DH has threatened to divorce me and sue me for full custody if I take the kids without him.  I consulted with a family law attorney who told me that he could potentially do this, and it isn’t advisable.

Couples therapy is online, and he will engage, but if I bring up moving, he will shut the laptop closed or leave the room to “get a snack” or something.

I don’t want to divorce because then I have no chance of moving.

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You're painting things as if he disengages re: moving, and that repeatedly halts the plans you already have set in motion by applying for jobs, buying airline tickets, reserving a spot for your child in private school.

Do you not realize that he is using the only control he feels he has over the situation, since you have already taken a ton of unilateral steps without him? He sees that, knows you have planned out your life, his life and your kids' lives without consulting him, so he exercises the one and only kind of control he has -- the veto power of not engaging. Not sending his resume, not getting on the plane, not talking about it in therapy. And he knows by now that you will have to back down once he exercises that veto.

I am not going to say "Then just divorce him" because you say you can only move WITH him (for the $$ and your child's needs, I suppose?).

I posted a more supportive post earlier, talking about getting into serious couples therapy to work out the resentments and his fears. But your post above makes me think both he AND you have issues so deep you both need indivdual therapy and couples therapy. Is your current therapist any good? I can't see how that could be true if the therapist doesn't call him out on walking away when the issue of The Move comes up. But you, too, are so focused on moving that you make plans, actually execute them, and present him the results right up to the one point YOU cannot control, his going for job interviews, the one thing you cannot do for him. You make unilateral plans and he wont' follow through. Maybe he sees those plans and thinks, he is being moved around like a piece on a chess board, until he does the one thing he knows will stop you every time. I'm not defending him, PP! But I also think you need some outside insight into your own actions.

And you say absolutely nothing about wanting him in your life other than as something which enables you to move. Nothing about your relationship other than seeing him as needed for you to get where you want to be. I've seldom seen a sadder post on DCUM because you're objectively [i]right[/i] about all the reasons a move would make perfect sense for your family. But there seem to be horrible communications and emotional dynamics between you and your DH and your current therapy doesn't seem to be helping -- does it?

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