Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wherever you go, there you are.

Please, please, please stop quoting this! Do you think people haven’t heard this before? It is simply not true in a lot of cases. Where you live matters!

True, but only people who have resided elsewhere, or have a frame of reference better than the DC area, understand this.

Of course where you live matters.

This involves conflict between a wife who wants to move elsewhere vs. a husband who does not want to move elsewhere.


The wife is repeatedly saying all the reasons why she thinks DMV sucks and that her husband is an ahole because he won't move and she is ready to divorce him.

But all of the reasons she gave were untrue. Other than money. It's not the traffic it's not the weather it's not being close to family because she's talking about moving to Princeton. She said she can live cheaper in Princeton and they can make equal or more combined income there.

Now someone says it's "parenting culture.". Translation it's money and status. OP feels she can't live the comparative lifestyle she thinks she is entitled to in DMV and has a low rank in the parenting culture. She can't afford the best private schools. She cant afford.to live in the biggest house in the best neighborhoods with Barack and Michelle. She can't afford a new SUV every year.

In contrast, husband is satisfied with the money they make and the lifestyle they lead. May not put them at the top of the parental culture heap but is adequate.

Ops feelings and opinions are entitled to exactly zero priority more than her husband's. She has not given a single good reason to uproot the entire family to move to Princeton. It would disrupt both of their employment and the kids schooling to get what in return? She thinks she will wind up in a better neighborhood in a better house? Maybe maybe not. It's a gamble. You don't take major gambles like that with school age kids unless you have clear buy in from both parents. She doesn't. She is completely I persuasive.

"Wahhhhhh I am so unhappy and will divorce you if we don't move!!!" is not going to work on an actual man.

The fact that you think the bolded is what everyone wants is exactly what a lot of people don't like about the culture in the DMV. The idea that you think there is a "parental culture heap" that you can be "at the top of" is precisely what I hate about parenting culture in DC. No thank you.

You haven't explained what you mean by "parenting culture.". But you seem to think many others believe it is a status competition, and that you dislike that other people think that.

So how is that different from what I had expressed? Parenting culture means the status competiton among DMV moms for who has more.status.and.wealth. apparently it's a real thing and you hate.it.

What I told the other pp, and ask you, is why do you hate it? Nothing requires you to participate. It's your own insecurities at play. Thats you, not where you live. You feel deeply insecure if you're not at or near the top of what you perceive to be the heap and it bugs you to be reminded that.you care. But you obviously do

Oh my god, listen to yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wherever you go, there you are.

Please, please, please stop quoting this! Do you think people haven’t heard this before? It is simply not true in a lot of cases. Where you live matters!

True, but only people who have resided elsewhere, or have a frame of reference better than the DC area, understand this.

Of course where you live matters.

This involves conflict between a wife who wants to move elsewhere vs. a husband who does not want to move elsewhere.


The wife is repeatedly saying all the reasons why she thinks DMV sucks and that her husband is an ahole because he won't move and she is ready to divorce him.

But all of the reasons she gave were untrue. Other than money. It's not the traffic it's not the weather it's not being close to family because she's talking about moving to Princeton. She said she can live cheaper in Princeton and they can make equal or more combined income there.

Now someone says it's "parenting culture.". Translation it's money and status. OP feels she can't live the comparative lifestyle she thinks she is entitled to in DMV and has a low rank in the parenting culture. She can't afford the best private schools. She cant afford.to live in the biggest house in the best neighborhoods with Barack and Michelle. She can't afford a new SUV every year.

In contrast, husband is satisfied with the money they make and the lifestyle they lead. May not put them at the top of the parental culture heap but is adequate.

Ops feelings and opinions are entitled to exactly zero priority more than her husband's. She has not given a single good reason to uproot the entire family to move to Princeton. It would disrupt both of their employment and the kids schooling to get what in return? She thinks she will wind up in a better neighborhood in a better house? Maybe maybe not. It's a gamble. You don't take major gambles like that with school age kids unless you have clear buy in from both parents. She doesn't. She is completely I persuasive.

"Wahhhhhh I am so unhappy and will divorce you if we don't move!!!" is not going to work on an actual man.

The fact that you think the bolded is what everyone wants is exactly what a lot of people don't like about the culture in the DMV. The idea that you think there is a "parental culture heap" that you can be "at the top of" is precisely what I hate about parenting culture in DC. No thank you.

You haven't explained what you mean by "parenting culture.". But you seem to think many others believe it is a status competition, and that you dislike that other people think that.

So how is that different from what I had expressed? Parenting culture means the status competiton among DMV moms for who has more.status.and.wealth. apparently it's a real thing and you hate.it.

What I told the other pp, and ask you, is why do you hate it? Nothing requires you to participate. It's your own insecurities at play. Thats you, not where you live. You feel deeply insecure if you're not at or near the top of what you perceive to be the heap and it bugs you to be reminded that.you care. But you obviously do

Anonymous wrote:Jesus Christ do the posters on this thread illustrate why this area sucks so much. This place is full of insecure, argumentative lawyers who were total dorks in high school and are trying to get their revenge on the world by acting like bullying a-holes.

+1,000,000,000

This thread is like Exhibit A in what is wrong with this area. And yes, DCUM is a microcosm and not everyone here is like this. But you don't need everyone to be like this, you just need a crucial mass of competitive, insecure, argumentative people and everyone is miserable. And we have that here. The concentration is just higher on DCUM than it is in some other settings (but not all!).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wherever you go, there you are.

Please, please, please stop quoting this! Do you think people haven’t heard this before? It is simply not true in a lot of cases. Where you live matters!

True, but only people who have resided elsewhere, or have a frame of reference better than the DC area, understand this.

Of course where you live matters.

This involves conflict between a wife who wants to move elsewhere vs. a husband who does not want to move elsewhere.


The wife is repeatedly saying all the reasons why she thinks DMV sucks and that her husband is an ahole because he won't move and she is ready to divorce him.

But all of the reasons she gave were untrue. Other than money. It's not the traffic it's not the weather it's not being close to family because she's talking about moving to Princeton. She said she can live cheaper in Princeton and they can make equal or more combined income there.

Now someone says it's "parenting culture.". Translation it's money and status. OP feels she can't live the comparative lifestyle she thinks she is entitled to in DMV and has a low rank in the parenting culture. She can't afford the best private schools. She cant afford.to live in the biggest house in the best neighborhoods with Barack and Michelle. She can't afford a new SUV every year.

In contrast, husband is satisfied with the money they make and the lifestyle they lead. May not put them at the top of the parental culture heap but is adequate.

Ops feelings and opinions are entitled to exactly zero priority more than her husband's. She has not given a single good reason to uproot the entire family to move to Princeton. It would disrupt both of their employment and the kids schooling to get what in return? She thinks she will wind up in a better neighborhood in a better house? Maybe maybe not. It's a gamble. You don't take major gambles like that with school age kids unless you have clear buy in from both parents. She doesn't. She is completely I persuasive.

"Wahhhhhh I am so unhappy and will divorce you if we don't move!!!" is not going to work on an actual man.

The fact that you think the bolded is what everyone wants is exactly what a lot of people don't like about the culture in the DMV. The idea that you think there is a "parental culture heap" that you can be "at the top of" is precisely what I hate about parenting culture in DC. No thank you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I too hate where I live.
I am from rural Michigan and moved to Chicago after college for a change of scenery. Got married to a native Chicagoan. 15 years later I am just done. I hate it here, I hate the leftist crazies, I hate the identical "We Believe" signs in front of the identical houses, I hate having to socially navigate with the other insane parents around here. Every time we visit my home I cry on the way back because I want to stay so badly. My husband won't leave because he's comfortable here and he would feel guilty leaving his parents. My life is passing me by. My best friend from childhood has a lovely lakefront house that cost less than ours with lower taxes and my husband says "Maybe someday." He would never take the initiative to find a new job. We are both in healthcare and could work anywhere.
I chose to come here when I was young and stupid.

Take responsibility for your life and your decisions.

You want to buy a Michigan lake house and move there with your family. Sounds like a pretty good idea.

What actual planning have you done? Have you looked at areas and priced out Michigan lake houses? Would the numbers work? How long would it take to sell your current house and how much could you realistically net from the sale? If you have school age kids, where would they be going to school?

You say you and your spouse could work anywhere. Have you polished up your resume and actually started applying for jobs near where you would like to live? What kind of income could you expect and if less than now, what sacrifices are you prepared to make? Do you have 12 months worth of liquid savings just in case it's not so easy for your husband or you to find suitable work?

If your husband isn't on board,have you also looked at jobs that might be suitable for him? It doesn't sound like you've done anything at all to get him onboard with your plan except complain and whine. That doesn't work.

If you literally cry every time you come back from a visit, that's a signal that you need therapy to address some deep rooted emotional issues. You will not be ready to handle the stress of a major move until you can at least stop all the crying.

If you want to make things happen in your life, especially against opposition or friction, you have to get better control of yourself first.

DP. I’m in the same position as the pp. My husband and I also work in healthcare.
All of the stuff you are describing literally takes an afternoon. I have to give 90 days notice on my job, and I could have a new job lined up to start 90 days from now tomorrow. I could find one for DH too, and I have found many. I’ve called physician recruiters at specific hospitals where I know there is a job opening, and he hasn’t made time to talk to them.

He gives no reason. He says that he will do it, but doesn’t. Eventually, I make up an excuse so that I don’t look crazy and lose my ability to ever work there.

Looking for houses is easy and fun. I do this all of the time in my spare time.

We don’t *have* to go near my parents either. We have a child with autism and a normal IQ. We could live near a great school for him. There is literally NO REASON to live here other than DH being afraid of change.

Ok. So actually apply for a new job where you want to live, and when you get the offer, give your 90 days notice to your existing job.

Then pick out a house you like in the new area and out down an earnest money deposit on it. Schedule the closing for 30 days prior to the start of your new job.

Not sure if you currently rent or own but you will have to either negotiate your way out of your existing lease or put your existing house up for sale which you should do right away.

Tell your husband the family is moving and give him all the details. Tell him you will help him find a new job. Then do it.

Since he has told you he does want to move he will appreciate that you are doing the heavy lifting which you say is very easy for you. Win win.

Or don't. But stop complaining a d stop blaming your husband.

I know that you think that you are calling my bluff, but I have gone far enough down this path that interviews have been scheduled and airline tickets have been booked. Private schools have been applied to on behalf of my son. I mean, this isn’t hard to do.
DH just doesn’t acknowledge that it’s happening, doesn’t send his CV, and as the time gets nearer, tells me that he has a conflict and cancels without actually rescheduling. This makes me look crazy to future potential employers.

As far as buying my own house, I can do that, but DH has threatened to divorce me and sue me for full custody if I take the kids without him. I consulted with a family law attorney who told me that he could potentially do this, and it isn’t advisable.

Couples therapy is online, and he will engage, but if I bring up moving, he will shut the laptop closed or leave the room to “get a snack” or something.

I don’t want to divorce because then I have no chance of moving.

You're painting things as if he disengages re: moving, and that repeatedly halts the plans you already have set in motion by applying for jobs, buying airline tickets, reserving a spot for your child in private school.

Do you not realize that he is using the only control he feels he has over the situation, since you have already taken a ton of unilateral steps without him? He sees that, knows you have planned out your life, his life and your kids' lives without consulting him, so he exercises the one and only kind of control he has -- the veto power of not engaging. Not sending his resume, not getting on the plane, not talking about it in therapy. And he knows by now that you will have to back down once he exercises that veto.

I am not going to say "Then just divorce him" because you say you can only move WITH him (for the $$ and your child's needs, I suppose?).

I posted a more supportive post earlier, talking about getting into serious couples therapy to work out the resentments and his fears. But your post above makes me think both he AND you have issues so deep you both need indivdual therapy and couples therapy. Is your current therapist any good? I can't see how that could be true if the therapist doesn't call him out on walking away when the issue of The Move comes up. But you, too, are so focused on moving that you make plans, actually execute them, and present him the results right up to the one point YOU cannot control, his going for job interviews, the one thing you cannot do for him. You make unilateral plans and he wont' follow through. Maybe he sees those plans and thinks, he is being moved around like a piece on a chess board, until he does the one thing he knows will stop you every time. I'm not defending him, PP! But I also think you need some outside insight into your own actions.

And you say absolutely nothing about wanting him in your life other than as something which enables you to move. Nothing about your relationship other than seeing him as needed for you to get where you want to be. I've seldom seen a sadder post on DCUM because you're objectively right about all the reasons a move would make perfect sense for your family. But there seem to be horrible communications and emotional dynamics between you and your DH and your current therapy doesn't seem to be helping -- does it?

Jesus Christ do the posters on this thread illustrate why this area sucks so much. This place is full of insecure, argumentative lawyers who were total dorks in high school and are trying to get their revenge on the world by acting like bullying a-holes.

Also, threatening the husband with child abduction if he didn't agree to move--which is what OP did, and got the predictable response from her husband that he would file for divorce if she snatched the kids and took them over state lines--is not a very good negotiating strategy. Also,as her attorney must have told her,it is illegal.

OP, the only thing you accomplished by making your crazy illegal threat to commit parental abduction was to ensure that now your husband will likely NEVER agree to move to Princeton.

Suck it up buttercup. You're in DMV until your spouse decides otherwise.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wherever you go, there you are.

Please, please, please stop quoting this! Do you think people haven’t heard this before? It is simply not true in a lot of cases. Where you live matters!

True, but only people who have resided elsewhere, or have a frame of reference better than the DC area, understand this.

Of course where you live matters.

This involves conflict between a wife who wants to move elsewhere vs. a husband who does not want to move elsewhere.


The wife is repeatedly saying all the reasons why she thinks DMV sucks and that her husband is an ahole because he won't move and she is ready to divorce him.

But all of the reasons she gave were untrue. Other than money. It's not the traffic it's not the weather it's not being close to family because she's talking about moving to Princeton. She said she can live cheaper in Princeton and they can make equal or more combined income there.

Now someone says it's "parenting culture.". Translation it's money and status. OP feels she can't live the comparative lifestyle she thinks she is entitled to in DMV and has a low rank in the parenting culture. She can't afford the best private schools. She cant afford.to live in the biggest house in the best neighborhoods with Barack and Michelle. She can't afford a new SUV every year.

In contrast, husband is satisfied with the money they make and the lifestyle they lead. May not put them at the top of the parental culture heap but is adequate.

Ops feelings and opinions are entitled to exactly zero priority more than her husband's. She has not given a single good reason to uproot the entire family to move to Princeton. It would disrupt both of their employment and the kids schooling to get what in return? She thinks she will wind up in a better neighborhood in a better house? Maybe maybe not. It's a gamble. You don't take major gambles like that with school age kids unless you have clear buy in from both parents. She doesn't. She is completely I persuasive.

"Wahhhhhh I am so unhappy and will divorce you if we don't move!!!" is not going to work on an actual man.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wherever you go, there you are.

Please, please, please stop quoting this! Do you think people haven’t heard this before? It is simply not true in a lot of cases. Where you live matters!

True, but only people who have resided elsewhere, or have a frame of reference better than the DC area, understand this.

Also what is "parenting culture in the DMV" even mean,and why does it matter? Stop talking in riddles.

It sounds like you and many other moms are obsessed with pecking order and status. As in how you compare to people who you feel are wealthier than you are.

Guess what? Parenting culture in your own family is whatever you and your spouse agree it is. No one else gets a vote.

You'd be much happier if you weren't so obsessed with kith your social rank and how you stack up with all the other DMV Karen's.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many of us are trapped by jobs and other things. I agree. The DMV sucks.

When you use this kind of language you are disempowering yourself. You are assigning control of your life and future to externalities. When people do this except in truly extreme situations, it is so they can disclaim ownership of their own life.

If you were truly trapped would you be passively sitting there whining about it? No you would be fighting with all your resources to break free of the trap.

Where you are now is a combination of your prior choices in life and a bunch of random stuff beyond your control. Where you will be tomorrow, next year, and after that is also a combination of your future choices and future random stuff beyond your control.

The only way out of your mental trap is to take ownership of your life. You are not trapped. You have free choice. Getting to a better place may require a lot of hard work and numerous sacrifices and there still isn't any guarantee you will get what you want. You are no different from anyone else.

DMV does not "suck."

YOU suck.

Suck less.

Wtf haha. People here are truly unhinged!

+1. Only in the DMV would posters take OP not liking this area as a personal affront - proving OPs point so well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people insisting OP say where "home" is and then attacking it are just gaslighting.

It wouldn't matter if "home" was Baltimore or Hawaii -- if OP wishes she lived there, that's a valid feeling she's entitled to.

And OP, I get it -- this is an aspect of marriage that can be so hard. When one partner wants one life choice and the other wants another. And you can't always anticipate these differences in advance because often they are in response to having kids, changes in career, changes in your extended family, and aging.

If you'd told me 15 years ago when I met my DH that one day he'd be very attached to living in a city center and I'd be the one longing for a big garden in a less populated area with more quiet, I wouldn't have believed you. When we met, I was the citified careerist and he was the country boy unsure about city life. Now I literally dream about being in the woods with no one around and struggle with the feeling of concrete and buildings and people all around. But he's acclimated and thinks he'd be lonely if we move. It's really hard! No one is right or wrong, but it's tough that when you come to an impasse like this, the person who likes the status quo "wins" more easily because inaction gets them what they want.

That's what this is really about. You are the partner advocating for a change, he wants things to stay as they are. Since you can't agree, you stay where you are and he's happy but you aren't. This is such a classic couple problem. I wish you luck in figuring it out. Let me know how if you do!

It sounds like the problem is some people can't be happy no matter what. You live in the city because that's what you wanted, you were unhappy. Now you're unhappy again and move out of the city. You don't take any responsibility at all for why you are where you are in life.

Stop doing things because you are looking for happiness from external things.

PP here. My feelings about the city changed when we had kids. I liked being in the city when my life revolved around work and socializing. Now my life revolved around my kids. Plus I'm 100% remote and at a stage in my career that is not about networking.

I also find parenting culture in the DMV unpleasant. It's an aspect of this area I didn't understand before having kids because I moved here as an adult.

Many of my closest friends in this area moved away after having kids, specifically fur the reasons I want to move. Of those still here, about half are like me and want to move.

It made sense to move here when I was 22, fir grad school and job opportunities. It makes less sense now, but my DH is resistant to change. No one is "looking for happiness from external things." It's just normal for people's priorities to change over time. A 25 year old, single, childless person with parents in their 50s wants different things than a 42 year old, married person with two kids and parents in their late 70s.

I mean...of course?

Before we had kids, we lived in a one bedroom apartment. We started having kids, we moved to a bigger apartment, we started looking for a house in a good area for kids. Ultimately we decided to move out of the d.c. area to be close to extended family elsewhere in the northeast.

None of this evolution was a surprise to either of us though.

How do you get married in the first place and not have a discussion about kids, careers, where you might want to live in the future, etc.?

How is that not an on going mutual discussion?

Usually the compromises are about money. Wife is perfectly fine with living in a high stress high income area. Then has kids and decides the family needs to move to a lower stress more kid friendly home/school district/state, usually near her mom/dad extended family

Ok what financial sacrifices is she prepared to make?

Crickets.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people insisting OP say where "home" is and then attacking it are just gaslighting.

It wouldn't matter if "home" was Baltimore or Hawaii -- if OP wishes she lived there, that's a valid feeling she's entitled to.

And OP, I get it -- this is an aspect of marriage that can be so hard. When one partner wants one life choice and the other wants another. And you can't always anticipate these differences in advance because often they are in response to having kids, changes in career, changes in your extended family, and aging.

If you'd told me 15 years ago when I met my DH that one day he'd be very attached to living in a city center and I'd be the one longing for a big garden in a less populated area with more quiet, I wouldn't have believed you. When we met, I was the citified careerist and he was the country boy unsure about city life. Now I literally dream about being in the woods with no one around and struggle with the feeling of concrete and buildings and people all around. But he's acclimated and thinks he'd be lonely if we move. It's really hard! No one is right or wrong, but it's tough that when you come to an impasse like this, the person who likes the status quo "wins" more easily because inaction gets them what they want.

That's what this is really about. You are the partner advocating for a change, he wants things to stay as they are. Since you can't agree, you stay where you are and he's happy but you aren't. This is such a classic couple problem. I wish you luck in figuring it out. Let me know how if you do!

It sounds like the problem is some people can't be happy no matter what. You live in the city because that's what you wanted, you were unhappy. Now you're unhappy again and move out of the city. You don't take any responsibility at all for why you are where you are in life.

Stop doing things because you are looking for happiness from external things.

PP here. My feelings about the city changed when we had kids. I liked being in the city when my life revolved around work and socializing. Now my life revolved around my kids. Plus I'm 100% remote and at a stage in my career that is not about networking.

I also find parenting culture in the DMV unpleasant. It's an aspect of this area I didn't understand before having kids because I moved here as an adult.

Many of my closest friends in this area moved away after having kids, specifically fur the reasons I want to move. Of those still here, about half are like me and want to move.

It made sense to move here when I was 22, fir grad school and job opportunities. It makes less sense now, but my DH is resistant to change. No one is "looking for happiness from external things." It's just normal for people's priorities to change over time. A 25 year old, single, childless person with parents in their 50s wants different things than a 42 year old, married person with two kids and parents in their late 70s.

Completely agree this area is uptight and unfriendly. DH and I tried to improve relations in our neighborhood by inviting neighbors to gather for some physical fellowship, basically just doing trust falls, which are a great way of developing trust in a fun environment and human pyramids. Human pyramids are another, a great way (gateway) to not just say, but really show, We Are Stronger Together. But NO ONE joined in. Instead we were branded as freaks and weirdos and one woman gave us the finger. So sad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I too hate where I live.
I am from rural Michigan and moved to Chicago after college for a change of scenery. Got married to a native Chicagoan. 15 years later I am just done. I hate it here, I hate the leftist crazies, I hate the identical "We Believe" signs in front of the identical houses, I hate having to socially navigate with the other insane parents around here. Every time we visit my home I cry on the way back because I want to stay so badly. My husband won't leave because he's comfortable here and he would feel guilty leaving his parents. My life is passing me by. My best friend from childhood has a lovely lakefront house that cost less than ours with lower taxes and my husband says "Maybe someday." He would never take the initiative to find a new job. We are both in healthcare and could work anywhere.
I chose to come here when I was young and stupid.

Take responsibility for your life and your decisions.

You want to buy a Michigan lake house and move there with your family. Sounds like a pretty good idea.

What actual planning have you done? Have you looked at areas and priced out Michigan lake houses? Would the numbers work? How long would it take to sell your current house and how much could you realistically net from the sale? If you have school age kids, where would they be going to school?

You say you and your spouse could work anywhere. Have you polished up your resume and actually started applying for jobs near where you would like to live? What kind of income could you expect and if less than now, what sacrifices are you prepared to make? Do you have 12 months worth of liquid savings just in case it's not so easy for your husband or you to find suitable work?

If your husband isn't on board,have you also looked at jobs that might be suitable for him? It doesn't sound like you've done anything at all to get him onboard with your plan except complain and whine. That doesn't work.

If you literally cry every time you come back from a visit, that's a signal that you need therapy to address some deep rooted emotional issues. You will not be ready to handle the stress of a major move until you can at least stop all the crying.

If you want to make things happen in your life, especially against opposition or friction, you have to get better control of yourself first.

DP. I’m in the same position as the pp. My husband and I also work in healthcare.
All of the stuff you are describing literally takes an afternoon. I have to give 90 days notice on my job, and I could have a new job lined up to start 90 days from now tomorrow. I could find one for DH too, and I have found many. I’ve called physician recruiters at specific hospitals where I know there is a job opening, and he hasn’t made time to talk to them.

He gives no reason. He says that he will do it, but doesn’t. Eventually, I make up an excuse so that I don’t look crazy and lose my ability to ever work there.

Looking for houses is easy and fun. I do this all of the time in my spare time.

We don’t *have* to go near my parents either. We have a child with autism and a normal IQ. We could live near a great school for him. There is literally NO REASON to live here other than DH being afraid of change.

Ok. So actually apply for a new job where you want to live, and when you get the offer, give your 90 days notice to your existing job.

Then pick out a house you like in the new area and out down an earnest money deposit on it. Schedule the closing for 30 days prior to the start of your new job.

Not sure if you currently rent or own but you will have to either negotiate your way out of your existing lease or put your existing house up for sale which you should do right away.

Tell your husband the family is moving and give him all the details. Tell him you will help him find a new job. Then do it.

Since he has told you he does want to move he will appreciate that you are doing the heavy lifting which you say is very easy for you. Win win.

Or don't. But stop complaining a d stop blaming your husband.

I know that you think that you are calling my bluff, but I have gone far enough down this path that interviews have been scheduled and airline tickets have been booked. Private schools have been applied to on behalf of my son. I mean, this isn’t hard to do.
DH just doesn’t acknowledge that it’s happening, doesn’t send his CV, and as the time gets nearer, tells me that he has a conflict and cancels without actually rescheduling. This makes me look crazy to future potential employers.

As far as buying my own house, I can do that, but DH has threatened to divorce me and sue me for full custody if I take the kids without him. I consulted with a family law attorney who told me that he could potentially do this, and it isn’t advisable.

Couples therapy is online, and he will engage, but if I bring up moving, he will shut the laptop closed or leave the room to “get a snack” or something.

I don’t want to divorce because then I have no chance of moving.

Who said anything about taking the kids? Of course you can't take the kids and move out of state against your husband's will.

But you previously seemingly implied he wasn't against the idea moving, just too lazy or too busy or too overwhelmed or too intimidated with everything that might need to be done to make it happen.

So the actual problem here is he does not want to move. He disagrees with you. But that doesn't stop you from moving out of state if it's so important to you, if his preferences don't matter, if breaking up the family doesn't matter. Which it doesn't, as long as you get to take the kids with you.

So none of this is about geography at all. It's about that you don't love your husband. You are unhappy where you are because you are married to a person you don't want to be married to. And you would be perfectly happy to divorce him and move away assuming you could take the kids with you. That would be just fine.

What you need to do is file for divorce. You realize of course that you can't take school age children out of state, you can't take them with you, without an actual reason, and you don't have the kind of reason that would hold up in court. And I think you are well aware of that which is why you are venting here.

I am not sure the problem is with your husband though. A good mom would never think it a good idea to break up her family and take her kids away from their father like you apparently want to.