Reply to If you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?

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Reply to "If you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm wondering if the PP gives herself permission to victimize people in other ways (stealing, bullying, etc.) if they don't meet her standards? If we make our own morality conditional on the morality of others, are we really any better than they are?

I've lurked on OW forums and there is often an obsession with the BW and her supposed sins and vices. Clearly the rationale is "she deserves this because she wasn't a good wife/human." I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the OW who has appointed herself judge and jury is enjoying the fruits of the BW's "karma," right?

Don't twist yourself into a pretzel to justify doing something harmful. If you have the hots for some married guy, tell him to divorce or open up his marriage. Likewise, if you're a cheater, you don't get to sentence your spouse to non-consensual non-monogamy just because you don't have a 100% perfect marriage. Someone else's faults or sins do not justify your own.[/quote]

The very scary part is the wife knows none of this.  These crazy @ss OW are staking them, trying to glean any bit of info they can about them, wishing them ill will, etc., and they have zero idea this target is on their back.  It’s freaky and incredibly victimizing to find out.  Some psych has been stalking you and your kids.[/quote]

Yes, it's a total mind f*ck to realize that some third party has been super invested in your marriage. To be clear, that is 100% the fault of your spouse . . . they're the ones who turned your marriage into a love triangle. But it's natural to wonder about the mental state of someone who would go all Hand That Rocks the Cradle.

I was just reading in the Other Woman subreddit and a bunch of OW were going on and on about how after DDay when the MM has gone NC, why don't the wives feel like second place and end the marriage? [b]Again, this ridiculous internalized misogyny.[/b] Oh, this autonomous person who went so far as to have sex with me and who could have left his marriage for me at any time is just a poor prisoner to the all-powerful wife! Sure, she isn't so all-powerful that she was able to stop an affair from happening, but she's definitely forcing her husband to stay.

It's like, girl, keep your eyes on your own paper. You don't get to insert yourself into someone else's marriage without her knowledge and then have all sorts of opinions on how she reacts to that. You know what sucks? Having someone who's not you or your "boyfriend" calling the shots in your relationship. You know how to avoid that? Don't be a side-piece. [/quote]

Ummm. If he never leaves the marriage or has any intention to, I don’t think the side piece is in first place.[/quote]

This is a powerful tidbit. The more employed, educated and empowered (like controlling their reproductive rights) and financially solvent women are, the less fighting we’ll see for “limited resources”.  We could all use a great deal more feminism and sisterhood.[/quote]

So many times in these threads (which are a dime a dozen), it's always to same old story. "It came out of nowhere, our marriage was great! ...I decided to SAH when the baby came along, and now my DH has just cheated, I feel betrayed, repulsed and disgusted, but I can't leave! How would I support myself and my children? Help me to work through this and forgive"  One has to wonder if the betrayed spouses would feel the same need to "forgive infidelity" and stay in the marriage if they controlled the income and assets and the cheating spouse was a SAHD.  [/quote]

I’ll admit it was a huge mistake to ever compromise on my career. I got pregnant unexpectedly while on birth control.  I knew my job would fire me if I was pregnant.  My choice was to have the kid and lose my job and try to use grad school as a way to come out OK career-wise. I love my kids, but in retrospect, I should have had an abortion and waited until I had vetted my fiance more (we had only known each other a year and were living in an atypical environment when we met), and waited until I was post-grad school or in a career environment in which I could progress with kids and having access to maternity leave, childcare, family leave, etc. (do those carders exist where you can have kids without negative consequences to your career?) It also was a huge mistake not to have many repeat discussions before engagement about shared parenting, mutually supportive careers and compromise/turn-taking prior to engagement. Love does not conquer all.

But, the thing is, even if I had done all those things and had been financially in control, divorce post-infidelity is still very problematic unless the cheating spouse is able to put the interests of the kids first. Given that cheaters cheat in part because they can only put their own interests first, that’s unlikely to happen.

I will also say that everything about the culture promotes women staying silent, sacrificing their own self in the interest of their children and maintaining a positive relationship with the other parent at all costs.  All support structures (or the absence thereof) also push women to stay - inadequate…. maternity leave, child care, child $$ support levels, sick/family leave; no SS credit for caregiving, unequal pay, unequal career advancement, etc.  These are also the things that drive women to stay with bad men.

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