Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if the PP gives herself permission to victimize people in other ways (stealing, bullying, etc.) if they don't meet her standards? If we make our own morality conditional on the morality of others, are we really any better than they are?

I've lurked on OW forums and there is often an obsession with the BW and her supposed sins and vices. Clearly the rationale is "she deserves this because she wasn't a good wife/human." I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the OW who has appointed herself judge and jury is enjoying the fruits of the BW's "karma," right?

Don't twist yourself into a pretzel to justify doing something harmful. If you have the hots for some married guy, tell him to divorce or open up his marriage. Likewise, if you're a cheater, you don't get to sentence your spouse to non-consensual non-monogamy just because you don't have a 100% perfect marriage. Someone else's faults or sins do not justify your own.

The very scary part is the wife knows none of this. These crazy @ss OW are staking them, trying to glean any bit of info they can about them, wishing them ill will, etc., and they have zero idea this target is on their back. It’s freaky and incredibly victimizing to find out. Some psych has been stalking you and your kids.

Yes, it's a total mind f*ck to realize that some third party has been super invested in your marriage. To be clear, that is 100% the fault of your spouse . . . they're the ones who turned your marriage into a love triangle. But it's natural to wonder about the mental state of someone who would go all Hand That Rocks the Cradle.

I was just reading in the Other Woman subreddit and a bunch of OW were going on and on about how after DDay when the MM has gone NC, why don't the wives feel like second place and end the marriage? Again, this ridiculous internalized misogyny. Oh, this autonomous person who went so far as to have sex with me and who could have left his marriage for me at any time is just a poor prisoner to the all-powerful wife! Sure, she isn't so all-powerful that she was able to stop an affair from happening, but she's definitely forcing her husband to stay.

It's like, girl, keep your eyes on your own paper. You don't get to insert yourself into someone else's marriage without her knowledge and then have all sorts of opinions on how she reacts to that. You know what sucks? Having someone who's not you or your "boyfriend" calling the shots in your relationship. You know how to avoid that? Don't be a side-piece.

Ummm. If he never leaves the marriage or has any intention to, I don’t think the side piece is in first place.

This is a powerful tidbit. The more employed, educated and empowered (like controlling their reproductive rights) and financially solvent women are, the less fighting we’ll see for “limited resources”. We could all use a great deal more feminism and sisterhood.

So many times in these threads (which are a dime a dozen), it's always to same old story. "It came out of nowhere, our marriage was great! ...I decided to SAH when the baby came along, and now my DH has just cheated, I feel betrayed, repulsed and disgusted, but I can't leave! How would I support myself and my children? Help me to work through this and forgive" One has to wonder if the betrayed spouses would feel the same need to "forgive infidelity" and stay in the marriage if they controlled the income and assets and the cheating spouse was a SAHD.

Umm. No. Half the cheaters on here are bored SAHMs that can’t afford to leave the marriage so are online dating looking for exit affairs. They are complaining about their husbands not boning them.

WHERE are you getting that statistic from? I don't actually see "bored housewives" in many people's information here. This is not my experience of the cheaters on DCUM.

There are tons of threads of SAHMs asking where to find an AP and thinking of getting an AP because love life at hone is stagnant. In fact, that’s just about every cheating married woman thread on here.

NP. What the hell are you talking about? I read every cheating thread with great interest, and I haven't seen any like that. What I have seen is a billion posts by that one lady (you?) whose husband cheated with a SAHM so she now considers herself the Expert on All Affairs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if the PP gives herself permission to victimize people in other ways (stealing, bullying, etc.) if they don't meet her standards? If we make our own morality conditional on the morality of others, are we really any better than they are?

I've lurked on OW forums and there is often an obsession with the BW and her supposed sins and vices. Clearly the rationale is "she deserves this because she wasn't a good wife/human." I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the OW who has appointed herself judge and jury is enjoying the fruits of the BW's "karma," right?

Don't twist yourself into a pretzel to justify doing something harmful. If you have the hots for some married guy, tell him to divorce or open up his marriage. Likewise, if you're a cheater, you don't get to sentence your spouse to non-consensual non-monogamy just because you don't have a 100% perfect marriage. Someone else's faults or sins do not justify your own.

The very scary part is the wife knows none of this. These crazy @ss OW are staking them, trying to glean any bit of info they can about them, wishing them ill will, etc., and they have zero idea this target is on their back. It’s freaky and incredibly victimizing to find out. Some psych has been stalking you and your kids.

Yes, it's a total mind f*ck to realize that some third party has been super invested in your marriage. To be clear, that is 100% the fault of your spouse . . . they're the ones who turned your marriage into a love triangle. But it's natural to wonder about the mental state of someone who would go all Hand That Rocks the Cradle.

I was just reading in the Other Woman subreddit and a bunch of OW were going on and on about how after DDay when the MM has gone NC, why don't the wives feel like second place and end the marriage? Again, this ridiculous internalized misogyny. Oh, this autonomous person who went so far as to have sex with me and who could have left his marriage for me at any time is just a poor prisoner to the all-powerful wife! Sure, she isn't so all-powerful that she was able to stop an affair from happening, but she's definitely forcing her husband to stay.

It's like, girl, keep your eyes on your own paper. You don't get to insert yourself into someone else's marriage without her knowledge and then have all sorts of opinions on how she reacts to that. You know what sucks? Having someone who's not you or your "boyfriend" calling the shots in your relationship. You know how to avoid that? Don't be a side-piece.

Ummm. If he never leaves the marriage or has any intention to, I don’t think the side piece is in first place.

This is a powerful tidbit. The more employed, educated and empowered (like controlling their reproductive rights) and financially solvent women are, the less fighting we’ll see for “limited resources”. We could all use a great deal more feminism and sisterhood.

So many times in these threads (which are a dime a dozen), it's always to same old story. "It came out of nowhere, our marriage was great! ...I decided to SAH when the baby came along, and now my DH has just cheated, I feel betrayed, repulsed and disgusted, but I can't leave! How would I support myself and my children? Help me to work through this and forgive" One has to wonder if the betrayed spouses would feel the same need to "forgive infidelity" and stay in the marriage if they controlled the income and assets and the cheating spouse was a SAHD.

Umm. No. Half the cheaters on here are bored SAHMs that can’t afford to leave the marriage so are online dating looking for exit affairs. They are complaining about their husbands not boning them.

WHERE are you getting that statistic from? I don't actually see "bored housewives" in many people's information here. This is not my experience of the cheaters on DCUM.

There are tons of threads of SAHMs asking where to find an AP and thinking of getting an AP because love life at hone is stagnant. In fact, that’s just about every cheating married woman thread on here.

You don’t hear about the reconciliations because the majority that want to work to repair the marriage don’t tell anyone else about the infidelity.

Beyoncé is a public example of choosing to stay while she certainly has the $ to leave.

I wonder if the female breadwinners would stay. Hard to support a SAHD someone that does that.

^ financially independent

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if the PP gives herself permission to victimize people in other ways (stealing, bullying, etc.) if they don't meet her standards? If we make our own morality conditional on the morality of others, are we really any better than they are?

I've lurked on OW forums and there is often an obsession with the BW and her supposed sins and vices. Clearly the rationale is "she deserves this because she wasn't a good wife/human." I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the OW who has appointed herself judge and jury is enjoying the fruits of the BW's "karma," right?

Don't twist yourself into a pretzel to justify doing something harmful. If you have the hots for some married guy, tell him to divorce or open up his marriage. Likewise, if you're a cheater, you don't get to sentence your spouse to non-consensual non-monogamy just because you don't have a 100% perfect marriage. Someone else's faults or sins do not justify your own.

The very scary part is the wife knows none of this. These crazy @ss OW are staking them, trying to glean any bit of info they can about them, wishing them ill will, etc., and they have zero idea this target is on their back. It’s freaky and incredibly victimizing to find out. Some psych has been stalking you and your kids.

Yes, it's a total mind f*ck to realize that some third party has been super invested in your marriage. To be clear, that is 100% the fault of your spouse . . . they're the ones who turned your marriage into a love triangle. But it's natural to wonder about the mental state of someone who would go all Hand That Rocks the Cradle.

I was just reading in the Other Woman subreddit and a bunch of OW were going on and on about how after DDay when the MM has gone NC, why don't the wives feel like second place and end the marriage? Again, this ridiculous internalized misogyny. Oh, this autonomous person who went so far as to have sex with me and who could have left his marriage for me at any time is just a poor prisoner to the all-powerful wife! Sure, she isn't so all-powerful that she was able to stop an affair from happening, but she's definitely forcing her husband to stay.

It's like, girl, keep your eyes on your own paper. You don't get to insert yourself into someone else's marriage without her knowledge and then have all sorts of opinions on how she reacts to that. You know what sucks? Having someone who's not you or your "boyfriend" calling the shots in your relationship. You know how to avoid that? Don't be a side-piece.

Ummm. If he never leaves the marriage or has any intention to, I don’t think the side piece is in first place.

This is a powerful tidbit. The more employed, educated and empowered (like controlling their reproductive rights) and financially solvent women are, the less fighting we’ll see for “limited resources”. We could all use a great deal more feminism and sisterhood.

So many times in these threads (which are a dime a dozen), it's always to same old story. "It came out of nowhere, our marriage was great! ...I decided to SAH when the baby came along, and now my DH has just cheated, I feel betrayed, repulsed and disgusted, but I can't leave! How would I support myself and my children? Help me to work through this and forgive" One has to wonder if the betrayed spouses would feel the same need to "forgive infidelity" and stay in the marriage if they controlled the income and assets and the cheating spouse was a SAHD.

+1. I wonder what the situation would be if these women are financially independent. Financial independence is the answer to many of these issues.

I know many financially and strong women that chose to forgive. People will do what’s best for their kids. Cheaters aren’t always non-redeemable. Some are great parents and partners. Some have happy homes. They may decide, if the cheater is remorseful and continues to do the work on themselves and live transparently and they see happiness in the future, not to create havoc and multiple households for their kids who often are completely clueless and would be just as blind sided.

So much consideration when you are talking 10, 20, etc year marriages and if love is still there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if the PP gives herself permission to victimize people in other ways (stealing, bullying, etc.) if they don't meet her standards? If we make our own morality conditional on the morality of others, are we really any better than they are?

I've lurked on OW forums and there is often an obsession with the BW and her supposed sins and vices. Clearly the rationale is "she deserves this because she wasn't a good wife/human." I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the OW who has appointed herself judge and jury is enjoying the fruits of the BW's "karma," right?

Don't twist yourself into a pretzel to justify doing something harmful. If you have the hots for some married guy, tell him to divorce or open up his marriage. Likewise, if you're a cheater, you don't get to sentence your spouse to non-consensual non-monogamy just because you don't have a 100% perfect marriage. Someone else's faults or sins do not justify your own.

The very scary part is the wife knows none of this. These crazy @ss OW are staking them, trying to glean any bit of info they can about them, wishing them ill will, etc., and they have zero idea this target is on their back. It’s freaky and incredibly victimizing to find out. Some psych has been stalking you and your kids.

Yes, it's a total mind f*ck to realize that some third party has been super invested in your marriage. To be clear, that is 100% the fault of your spouse . . . they're the ones who turned your marriage into a love triangle. But it's natural to wonder about the mental state of someone who would go all Hand That Rocks the Cradle.

I was just reading in the Other Woman subreddit and a bunch of OW were going on and on about how after DDay when the MM has gone NC, why don't the wives feel like second place and end the marriage? Again, this ridiculous internalized misogyny. Oh, this autonomous person who went so far as to have sex with me and who could have left his marriage for me at any time is just a poor prisoner to the all-powerful wife! Sure, she isn't so all-powerful that she was able to stop an affair from happening, but she's definitely forcing her husband to stay.

It's like, girl, keep your eyes on your own paper. You don't get to insert yourself into someone else's marriage without her knowledge and then have all sorts of opinions on how she reacts to that. You know what sucks? Having someone who's not you or your "boyfriend" calling the shots in your relationship. You know how to avoid that? Don't be a side-piece.

Ummm. If he never leaves the marriage or has any intention to, I don’t think the side piece is in first place.

This is a powerful tidbit. The more employed, educated and empowered (like controlling their reproductive rights) and financially solvent women are, the less fighting we’ll see for “limited resources”. We could all use a great deal more feminism and sisterhood.

So many times in these threads (which are a dime a dozen), it's always to same old story. "It came out of nowhere, our marriage was great! ...I decided to SAH when the baby came along, and now my DH has just cheated, I feel betrayed, repulsed and disgusted, but I can't leave! How would I support myself and my children? Help me to work through this and forgive" One has to wonder if the betrayed spouses would feel the same need to "forgive infidelity" and stay in the marriage if they controlled the income and assets and the cheating spouse was a SAHD.

+1. I wonder what the situation would be if these women are financially independent. Financial independence is the answer to many of these issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if the PP gives herself permission to victimize people in other ways (stealing, bullying, etc.) if they don't meet her standards? If we make our own morality conditional on the morality of others, are we really any better than they are?

I've lurked on OW forums and there is often an obsession with the BW and her supposed sins and vices. Clearly the rationale is "she deserves this because she wasn't a good wife/human." I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the OW who has appointed herself judge and jury is enjoying the fruits of the BW's "karma," right?

Don't twist yourself into a pretzel to justify doing something harmful. If you have the hots for some married guy, tell him to divorce or open up his marriage. Likewise, if you're a cheater, you don't get to sentence your spouse to non-consensual non-monogamy just because you don't have a 100% perfect marriage. Someone else's faults or sins do not justify your own.

The very scary part is the wife knows none of this. These crazy @ss OW are staking them, trying to glean any bit of info they can about them, wishing them ill will, etc., and they have zero idea this target is on their back. It’s freaky and incredibly victimizing to find out. Some psych has been stalking you and your kids.

Yes, it's a total mind f*ck to realize that some third party has been super invested in your marriage. To be clear, that is 100% the fault of your spouse . . . they're the ones who turned your marriage into a love triangle. But it's natural to wonder about the mental state of someone who would go all Hand That Rocks the Cradle.

I was just reading in the Other Woman subreddit and a bunch of OW were going on and on about how after DDay when the MM has gone NC, why don't the wives feel like second place and end the marriage? Again, this ridiculous internalized misogyny. Oh, this autonomous person who went so far as to have sex with me and who could have left his marriage for me at any time is just a poor prisoner to the all-powerful wife! Sure, she isn't so all-powerful that she was able to stop an affair from happening, but she's definitely forcing her husband to stay.

It's like, girl, keep your eyes on your own paper. You don't get to insert yourself into someone else's marriage without her knowledge and then have all sorts of opinions on how she reacts to that. You know what sucks? Having someone who's not you or your "boyfriend" calling the shots in your relationship. You know how to avoid that? Don't be a side-piece.

Ummm. If he never leaves the marriage or has any intention to, I don’t think the side piece is in first place.

This is a powerful tidbit. The more employed, educated and empowered (like controlling their reproductive rights) and financially solvent women are, the less fighting we’ll see for “limited resources”. We could all use a great deal more feminism and sisterhood.

So many times in these threads (which are a dime a dozen), it's always to same old story. "It came out of nowhere, our marriage was great! ...I decided to SAH when the baby came along, and now my DH has just cheated, I feel betrayed, repulsed and disgusted, but I can't leave! How would I support myself and my children? Help me to work through this and forgive" One has to wonder if the betrayed spouses would feel the same need to "forgive infidelity" and stay in the marriage if they controlled the income and assets and the cheating spouse was a SAHD.

Umm. No. Half the cheaters on here are bored SAHMs that can’t afford to leave the marriage so are online dating looking for exit affairs. They are complaining about their husbands not boning them.

WHERE are you getting that statistic from? I don't actually see "bored housewives" in many people's information here. This is not my experience of the cheaters on DCUM.

Guy or lady? If you’re a guy you know the answer, you can’t and she won’t respect you for that.

Not sure if you’re a woman. I have daughters and sisters and I’d say never forgive and never forget

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if the PP gives herself permission to victimize people in other ways (stealing, bullying, etc.) if they don't meet her standards? If we make our own morality conditional on the morality of others, are we really any better than they are?

I've lurked on OW forums and there is often an obsession with the BW and her supposed sins and vices. Clearly the rationale is "she deserves this because she wasn't a good wife/human." I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the OW who has appointed herself judge and jury is enjoying the fruits of the BW's "karma," right?

Don't twist yourself into a pretzel to justify doing something harmful. If you have the hots for some married guy, tell him to divorce or open up his marriage. Likewise, if you're a cheater, you don't get to sentence your spouse to non-consensual non-monogamy just because you don't have a 100% perfect marriage. Someone else's faults or sins do not justify your own.

The very scary part is the wife knows none of this. These crazy @ss OW are staking them, trying to glean any bit of info they can about them, wishing them ill will, etc., and they have zero idea this target is on their back. It’s freaky and incredibly victimizing to find out. Some psych has been stalking you and your kids.

Yes, it's a total mind f*ck to realize that some third party has been super invested in your marriage. To be clear, that is 100% the fault of your spouse . . . they're the ones who turned your marriage into a love triangle. But it's natural to wonder about the mental state of someone who would go all Hand That Rocks the Cradle.

I was just reading in the Other Woman subreddit and a bunch of OW were going on and on about how after DDay when the MM has gone NC, why don't the wives feel like second place and end the marriage? Again, this ridiculous internalized misogyny. Oh, this autonomous person who went so far as to have sex with me and who could have left his marriage for me at any time is just a poor prisoner to the all-powerful wife! Sure, she isn't so all-powerful that she was able to stop an affair from happening, but she's definitely forcing her husband to stay.

It's like, girl, keep your eyes on your own paper. You don't get to insert yourself into someone else's marriage without her knowledge and then have all sorts of opinions on how she reacts to that. You know what sucks? Having someone who's not you or your "boyfriend" calling the shots in your relationship. You know how to avoid that? Don't be a side-piece.

Ummm. If he never leaves the marriage or has any intention to, I don’t think the side piece is in first place.

This is a powerful tidbit. The more employed, educated and empowered (like controlling their reproductive rights) and financially solvent women are, the less fighting we’ll see for “limited resources”. We could all use a great deal more feminism and sisterhood.

So many times in these threads (which are a dime a dozen), it's always to same old story. "It came out of nowhere, our marriage was great! ...I decided to SAH when the baby came along, and now my DH has just cheated, I feel betrayed, repulsed and disgusted, but I can't leave! How would I support myself and my children? Help me to work through this and forgive" One has to wonder if the betrayed spouses would feel the same need to "forgive infidelity" and stay in the marriage if they controlled the income and assets and the cheating spouse was a SAHD.

I’ll admit it was a huge mistake to ever compromise on my career. I got pregnant unexpectedly while on birth control. I knew my job would fire me if I was pregnant. My choice was to have the kid and lose my job and try to use grad school as a way to come out OK career-wise. I love my kids, but in retrospect, I should have had an abortion and waited until I had vetted my fiance more (we had only known each other a year and were living in an atypical environment when we met), and waited until I was post-grad school or in a career environment in which I could progress with kids and having access to maternity leave, childcare, family leave, etc. (do those carders exist where you can have kids without negative consequences to your career?) It also was a huge mistake not to have many repeat discussions before engagement about shared parenting, mutually supportive careers and compromise/turn-taking prior to engagement. Love does not conquer all.

But, the thing is, even if I had done all those things and had been financially in control, divorce post-infidelity is still very problematic unless the cheating spouse is able to put the interests of the kids first. Given that cheaters cheat in part because they can only put their own interests first, that’s unlikely to happen.

I will also say that everything about the culture promotes women staying silent, sacrificing their own self in the interest of their children and maintaining a positive relationship with the other parent at all costs. All support structures (or the absence thereof) also push women to stay - inadequate…. maternity leave, child care, child $$ support levels, sick/family leave; no SS credit for caregiving, unequal pay, unequal career advancement, etc. These are also the things that drive women to stay with bad men.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if the PP gives herself permission to victimize people in other ways (stealing, bullying, etc.) if they don't meet her standards? If we make our own morality conditional on the morality of others, are we really any better than they are?

I've lurked on OW forums and there is often an obsession with the BW and her supposed sins and vices. Clearly the rationale is "she deserves this because she wasn't a good wife/human." I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the OW who has appointed herself judge and jury is enjoying the fruits of the BW's "karma," right?

Don't twist yourself into a pretzel to justify doing something harmful. If you have the hots for some married guy, tell him to divorce or open up his marriage. Likewise, if you're a cheater, you don't get to sentence your spouse to non-consensual non-monogamy just because you don't have a 100% perfect marriage. Someone else's faults or sins do not justify your own.

The very scary part is the wife knows none of this. These crazy @ss OW are staking them, trying to glean any bit of info they can about them, wishing them ill will, etc., and they have zero idea this target is on their back. It’s freaky and incredibly victimizing to find out. Some psych has been stalking you and your kids.

Yes, it's a total mind f*ck to realize that some third party has been super invested in your marriage. To be clear, that is 100% the fault of your spouse . . . they're the ones who turned your marriage into a love triangle. But it's natural to wonder about the mental state of someone who would go all Hand That Rocks the Cradle.

I was just reading in the Other Woman subreddit and a bunch of OW were going on and on about how after DDay when the MM has gone NC, why don't the wives feel like second place and end the marriage? Again, this ridiculous internalized misogyny. Oh, this autonomous person who went so far as to have sex with me and who could have left his marriage for me at any time is just a poor prisoner to the all-powerful wife! Sure, she isn't so all-powerful that she was able to stop an affair from happening, but she's definitely forcing her husband to stay.

It's like, girl, keep your eyes on your own paper. You don't get to insert yourself into someone else's marriage without her knowledge and then have all sorts of opinions on how she reacts to that. You know what sucks? Having someone who's not you or your "boyfriend" calling the shots in your relationship. You know how to avoid that? Don't be a side-piece.

Ummm. If he never leaves the marriage or has any intention to, I don’t think the side piece is in first place.

This is a powerful tidbit. The more employed, educated and empowered (like controlling their reproductive rights) and financially solvent women are, the less fighting we’ll see for “limited resources”. We could all use a great deal more feminism and sisterhood.

So many times in these threads (which are a dime a dozen), it's always to same old story. "It came out of nowhere, our marriage was great! ...I decided to SAH when the baby came along, and now my DH has just cheated, I feel betrayed, repulsed and disgusted, but I can't leave! How would I support myself and my children? Help me to work through this and forgive" One has to wonder if the betrayed spouses would feel the same need to "forgive infidelity" and stay in the marriage if they controlled the income and assets and the cheating spouse was a SAHD.

Umm. No. Half the cheaters on here are bored SAHMs that can’t afford to leave the marriage so are online dating looking for exit affairs. They are complaining about their husbands not boning them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done. I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle. My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving. With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it. It is really a terrible trauma to live through. Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks. Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs. I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie. I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman

This would be my big problem. I don't think I could orgasm again with someone who cheated on me. I feel visceral disgust towards anyone who causes me any type of pain. Even if I'd try having sex with him, my mind would wonder and imagine them together. It would be too much for me. But again, my kids are older and I'm financially independent, so I'd have no reason to live with the pain and trauma.

Sex with my DH after I found out about the infidelity was worse than not being able to orgasm. Frankly, it felt like rape. I had made clear that monogamy was an essential part of my consent to sex with him and he broke his agreement, lied to me, manipulated me and gaslit me, all while continuing to cheat on me after promising to stop. I didn’t feel like not having sex with him was a choice in my position. I found out that the infidelity had not stopped in my sixth month of pregnancy. I had another preschool child. I had one more year of grad school. I was unemployed, and not confident I could find a job while 6 months pregnant and even less confident that I could find a job, work, finish school, give birth and go back to work immediately all while still finishing grad school. I felt economically coerced to continue having sex with him until I could support myself and the kids. The pregnancy and the birth bought me some time avoiding sex, but it took me a year and a half to pull myself and my kids out of that mess. Every time I had sex during that period felt like a violation.

I'm so terribly sorry. Big hugs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if the PP gives herself permission to victimize people in other ways (stealing, bullying, etc.) if they don't meet her standards? If we make our own morality conditional on the morality of others, are we really any better than they are?

I've lurked on OW forums and there is often an obsession with the BW and her supposed sins and vices. Clearly the rationale is "she deserves this because she wasn't a good wife/human." I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the OW who has appointed herself judge and jury is enjoying the fruits of the BW's "karma," right?

Don't twist yourself into a pretzel to justify doing something harmful. If you have the hots for some married guy, tell him to divorce or open up his marriage. Likewise, if you're a cheater, you don't get to sentence your spouse to non-consensual non-monogamy just because you don't have a 100% perfect marriage. Someone else's faults or sins do not justify your own.

The very scary part is the wife knows none of this. These crazy @ss OW are staking them, trying to glean any bit of info they can about them, wishing them ill will, etc., and they have zero idea this target is on their back. It’s freaky and incredibly victimizing to find out. Some psych has been stalking you and your kids.

Yes, it's a total mind f*ck to realize that some third party has been super invested in your marriage. To be clear, that is 100% the fault of your spouse . . . they're the ones who turned your marriage into a love triangle. But it's natural to wonder about the mental state of someone who would go all Hand That Rocks the Cradle.

I was just reading in the Other Woman subreddit and a bunch of OW were going on and on about how after DDay when the MM has gone NC, why don't the wives feel like second place and end the marriage? Again, this ridiculous internalized misogyny. Oh, this autonomous person who went so far as to have sex with me and who could have left his marriage for me at any time is just a poor prisoner to the all-powerful wife! Sure, she isn't so all-powerful that she was able to stop an affair from happening, but she's definitely forcing her husband to stay.

It's like, girl, keep your eyes on your own paper. You don't get to insert yourself into someone else's marriage without her knowledge and then have all sorts of opinions on how she reacts to that. You know what sucks? Having someone who's not you or your "boyfriend" calling the shots in your relationship. You know how to avoid that? Don't be a side-piece.

Ummm. If he never leaves the marriage or has any intention to, I don’t think the side piece is in first place.

This is a powerful tidbit. The more employed, educated and empowered (like controlling their reproductive rights) and financially solvent women are, the less fighting we’ll see for “limited resources”. We could all use a great deal more feminism and sisterhood.

So many times in these threads (which are a dime a dozen), it's always to same old story. "It came out of nowhere, our marriage was great! ...I decided to SAH when the baby came along, and now my DH has just cheated, I feel betrayed, repulsed and disgusted, but I can't leave! How would I support myself and my children? Help me to work through this and forgive" One has to wonder if the betrayed spouses would feel the same need to "forgive infidelity" and stay in the marriage if they controlled the income and assets and the cheating spouse was a SAHD.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if the PP gives herself permission to victimize people in other ways (stealing, bullying, etc.) if they don't meet her standards? If we make our own morality conditional on the morality of others, are we really any better than they are?

I've lurked on OW forums and there is often an obsession with the BW and her supposed sins and vices. Clearly the rationale is "she deserves this because she wasn't a good wife/human." I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the OW who has appointed herself judge and jury is enjoying the fruits of the BW's "karma," right?

Don't twist yourself into a pretzel to justify doing something harmful. If you have the hots for some married guy, tell him to divorce or open up his marriage. Likewise, if you're a cheater, you don't get to sentence your spouse to non-consensual non-monogamy just because you don't have a 100% perfect marriage. Someone else's faults or sins do not justify your own.

The very scary part is the wife knows none of this. These crazy @ss OW are staking them, trying to glean any bit of info they can about them, wishing them ill will, etc., and they have zero idea this target is on their back. It’s freaky and incredibly victimizing to find out. Some psych has been stalking you and your kids.

Yes, it's a total mind f*ck to realize that some third party has been super invested in your marriage. To be clear, that is 100% the fault of your spouse . . . they're the ones who turned your marriage into a love triangle. But it's natural to wonder about the mental state of someone who would go all Hand That Rocks the Cradle.

I was just reading in the Other Woman subreddit and a bunch of OW were going on and on about how after DDay when the MM has gone NC, why don't the wives feel like second place and end the marriage? Again, this ridiculous internalized misogyny. Oh, this autonomous person who went so far as to have sex with me and who could have left his marriage for me at any time is just a poor prisoner to the all-powerful wife! Sure, she isn't so all-powerful that she was able to stop an affair from happening, but she's definitely forcing her husband to stay.

It's like, girl, keep your eyes on your own paper. You don't get to insert yourself into someone else's marriage without her knowledge and then have all sorts of opinions on how she reacts to that. You know what sucks? Having someone who's not you or your "boyfriend" calling the shots in your relationship. You know how to avoid that? Don't be a side-piece.

Ummm. If he never leaves the marriage or has any intention to, I don’t think the side piece is in first place.

This is a powerful tidbit. The more employed, educated and empowered (like controlling their reproductive rights) and financially solvent women are, the less fighting we’ll see for “limited resources”. We could all use a great deal more feminism and sisterhood.

Exactly. NO ONE should consider a cheating dude a prize. If you're already married to him, have kids, and are financially enmeshed, then sure, give him a chance to turn himself into someone worthy of your love. But anyone treating him like a prize to be won is delusional.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm wondering if the PP gives herself permission to victimize people in other ways (stealing, bullying, etc.) if they don't meet her standards? If we make our own morality conditional on the morality of others, are we really any better than they are?

I've lurked on OW forums and there is often an obsession with the BW and her supposed sins and vices. Clearly the rationale is "she deserves this because she wasn't a good wife/human." I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the OW who has appointed herself judge and jury is enjoying the fruits of the BW's "karma," right?

Don't twist yourself into a pretzel to justify doing something harmful. If you have the hots for some married guy, tell him to divorce or open up his marriage. Likewise, if you're a cheater, you don't get to sentence your spouse to non-consensual non-monogamy just because you don't have a 100% perfect marriage. Someone else's faults or sins do not justify your own.

The very scary part is the wife knows none of this. These crazy @ss OW are staking them, trying to glean any bit of info they can about them, wishing them ill will, etc., and they have zero idea this target is on their back. It’s freaky and incredibly victimizing to find out. Some psych has been stalking you and your kids.

Yes, it's a total mind f*ck to realize that some third party has been super invested in your marriage. To be clear, that is 100% the fault of your spouse . . . they're the ones who turned your marriage into a love triangle. But it's natural to wonder about the mental state of someone who would go all Hand That Rocks the Cradle.

I was just reading in the Other Woman subreddit and a bunch of OW were going on and on about how after DDay when the MM has gone NC, why don't the wives feel like second place and end the marriage? Again, this ridiculous internalized misogyny. Oh, this autonomous person who went so far as to have sex with me and who could have left his marriage for me at any time is just a poor prisoner to the all-powerful wife! Sure, she isn't so all-powerful that she was able to stop an affair from happening, but she's definitely forcing her husband to stay.

It's like, girl, keep your eyes on your own paper. You don't get to insert yourself into someone else's marriage without her knowledge and then have all sorts of opinions on how she reacts to that. You know what sucks? Having someone who's not you or your "boyfriend" calling the shots in your relationship. You know how to avoid that? Don't be a side-piece.

Ummm. If he never leaves the marriage or has any intention to, I don’t think the side piece is in first place.

This is a powerful tidbit. The more employed, educated and empowered (like controlling their reproductive rights) and financially solvent women are, the less fighting we’ll see for “limited resources”. We could all use a great deal more feminism and sisterhood.