Reply to If you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Staying with my DH after his affair is one of the most difficult things I have done.  I took the advice of a good friend who basically told me not to make any rash decisions and give myself the gift of time to really figure out what I wanted and what I could handle.  My DH did a lot of individual therapy, changed jobs, stopped traveling, and signed a post-nup with a cheating clause. He has made every effort to regain my trust.

We communicate much better now and our kids are thriving.  With that being said, there is not one day that goes by that I do not think about it.  It is really a terrible trauma to live through.  Sometimes what is worse than the fact of the affair is going back and remembering what I was like those initial few weeks.  Couldn't eat, sleep, lost 15 pounds, pulled over on the side of the road and sobbed often, sat in the doctor's office crying while I got checked for STDs.  I had such a displaced sense of reality and felt like a walking zombie.  I am happy that I stayed mainly but sometimes I do wonder whether healing from my trauma would have been easier if I left.[/quote]

can you still have sex with him? do you still feel affection or attraction towards him?

I know it’s difficult to get rid of that psychological pain memory from the first shock, it’s ptsd, and there are likely daily reminders of the trauma; in the end, you get addicted to that self-pity and although it doesn’t make you feel good, it does activate stress hormones, it makes you alive, like all drug addictions, it’s not healthy, you need your health for your kids 
I don’t know if you’re religious, I’m not super but I’m a little and I do have faith in the universe, just think this is God’s will, don’t be afraid, he walks in front of you, this is how the universe goes around or expands or whatever, marvel at the human nature and it’s misery of not being able to control basic instincts, don’t think it’s about you and what you could have done or did not do, because in the big scheme of things it doesn’t matter 
I’m talking big but I’m like you, still working with myself to get over it after more than 25years … it is what it is, some people go through affairs, others get cancer, get into accidents and so on, have their kids shot at school by some maniac, all men btw, these animals, never heard of one woman [/quote]

This would be my big problem.  I don't think I could orgasm again with someone who cheated on me. I feel visceral disgust towards anyone who causes me any type of pain. Even if I'd try having sex with him, my mind would wonder and imagine them together.  It would be too much for me. But again, my kids are older and I'm financially independent,  so I'd have no reason to live with the pain and trauma.  [/quote]

Sex with my DH after I found out about the infidelity was worse than not being able to orgasm.  Frankly, it felt like rape.  I had made clear that monogamy was an essential part of my consent to sex with him and he broke his agreement, lied to me, manipulated me and gaslit me, all while continuing to cheat on me after promising to stop.  I didn’t feel like not having sex with him was a choice in my position.  I found out that the infidelity had not stopped in my sixth month of pregnancy.  I had another preschool child. I had one more year of grad school. I was unemployed, and not confident I could find a job while 6 months pregnant and even less confident that I could find a job, work, finish school, give birth and go back to work immediately all while still finishing grad school.  I felt economically coerced to continue having sex with him until I could support myself and the kids.  The pregnancy and the birth bought me some time avoiding sex, but it took me a year and a half to pull myself and my kids out of that mess.  Every time I had sex during that period felt like a violation.[/quote]

I'm so terribly sorry. Big hugs. [/quote]

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